Final choice of Care Home

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by lizzie2596, Jul 30, 2007.

  1. lizzie2596

    lizzie2596 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2007
    91
    Mum has been in the permanent Care home for a week now - still early days. I visited on Friday and am going again tomorrow. I'm hoping to find her a little more settled but I already find myself wishing she was back at the respite home she was at the week before, it was really lovely.

    I know I've only visited Mum once so far but I'm a great believer in picking up on the atmosphere in a place along with the mood of the staff. The respite home just felt more friendly and the staff were so upbeat and attentive. When I was collecting Mum to leave I got a bit upset at one point and the duty manager came rushing over to see if I was ok - how thoughful is that when we were just about to go. I find the atmosphere in the new home a little flat in comparison. The layout of the rooms and toilets is not as convenient either.

    I may just be a fussy cow but this is my Mum and I want the best for her, I just hope that my judgement is right on this. Luckily one of my brothers is coming over later this week and I'm going to take him to both places to see if he gets the same impression.

    I'm going to ring the respite home first thing tomorrow morning and get Mum back on their waiting list - at least she has a permanent place in the meantime.

    Isn't it typical that those times in your life when you have hard decisons to make tend to be the times when you feel most indecisive - or is that just me!!!

    Liz x
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Liz, what can I say...........you are doing the best you can.

    I am sorry the 'vibes' seem a little flat, and you are the best judge, but don't be too hard on yourself........it is very early days.

    Sounds a good idea to have your mum's name down on another list, just one question, "how is she coping with the change?"

    You will get it right, give yourself time to adjust..........it will always be harder on you than mum. Love n'hugs
     
  3. lizzie2596

    lizzie2596 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2007
    91
    Thanks Connie.

    Mum seemed a little lost when I saw her on Friday. She couldn't remember where the toilets were and then couldn't remember the way back to her room - she has to walk down the corridor between the two. When I arrived the main door had the keypad turned on and when I was let in and said who I was visiting I got the grumpy comment 'Oh she's the one we've had to lock the door for' - not what I wanted to hear. Surely they are used to dealing with residents who wander around a bit without getting stroppy about it.

    I have to admit that I haven't actually told Mum straight out that she is now in a CH permanently. I've said that she will be staying as long as necessary as it's not safe for her to be at home any more, especially when I am at work. She is quite accepting of this at the moment and I am just praying that she doesn't start to object. I suppose when my brother is over it would be the ideal time to have that conversation with her together but I dread it.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    Hi Lizzie, it`s understandable that your mum is hasn`t yet got her bearings, in a new environment, and I wouldn`t worry about it at this stage.


    But I would be concerned about attitudes like that.

    You`d do well to put your mum`s name on the waiting list at the respite care home.

    Whilst you are waiting, the home she is in now might prove better than your first impressions as your mother settles, but her name on the waiting list will give you a bit of extra comfort.
     
  5. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Liz

    Its hard isnt it, but I would give the new home time, the staff in the respite home had already forged a relationship with you and your mum, give the new home time to do the same.

    On the other hand, its sounds wise advice from Connie and Sylvia to have a 'Plan B' in the background, just in case things dont work out.

    Fingers crossed for a good outcome for you.

    Cate
     
  6. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hi Lizzie, my mum has been in permanent care for 10 weeks now and I tell her exactly, what you are telling your mum. Mum also accepts that explanation I did at one point tell her it was permanent thinking that she may settle and stop packing, this was weeks into her stay, but, the next day she was packed again. So I just continued with the "not safe alone" and now, when she asks about going home, I just say not today. There are things that I'm not happy about, but, mum seems quite happy. I think you will find that some staff will be very sensitive to your mum's needs, and others, well, it's just a bother, hopefully, not many will be like that. No harm in placing your mum's name elsewhere back up plans can serve you well at times. The only problem that I could see, would be, uprooting mum again.Hope everything goes well. Taffy.
     
  7. lizzie2596

    lizzie2596 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2007
    91
    Went to see Mum yesterday and couldn't believe what they had done. For some reason they took it upon themselves to move Mum into a different part of the home less than a week after she moved in. She has now had 4 moves in 4 weeks and I am furious beyond words!!!!!

    When I asked why they said that the lady coming in was 'more familiar with the environment' on that wing...WHAT ABOUT MUM'S NEED FOR FAMILIAR ENVIRONMENT!!!!!! It seems to be a case of last one in - first to get shunted around. The manager promised that Mum would not be moved again but I have lost all confidence in them now. Obviously Mum will need to stay there for now but she is down on the waiting list for my favoured care home where she went on respite.

    So instead of finding Mum more settled she was even more bewildered and on edge - how could they? It is times like this that I wish I was a stroppy cow and had kicked up a fuss but I'm too weak for that and I was so gobsmacked and upset at the time that I was lost for words anyway. It was only later that it really sunk in how unsettled and stressed Mum was.

    I'm about to ring the social worker about it. She keeps telling me what an excellent reputation this home has but I haven't seen any evidence of it yet. Early days or not my initial doubts about the home have just been confirmed.

    Liz x
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    Liz, why don`t you contact the respite home and tell them how upset you are about the situation your mum`s in now.

    Don`t be too brave, let them know how upset you are.

    They might push your mum a bit higher up the waiting list.

    Love xx
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Liz, I'm so sorry. It seems totally unreasonable to move your mum just to make room for someone else.

    I hope your SW is able to help you here, and that you get a place in the home you wnt soon.

    Love,
     
  10. lizzie2596

    lizzie2596 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2007
    91
    When I rang the social worker to tell her what had happened she was really angry too and felt that their excuse was totally lame. She was going to speak to her superviser and lodge a complaint - good for her.

    When I rang the respite home to put Mum on their waiting list I did explain what had happened and they were listing Mum as needing an immediate move - so I hope that means she will get some priority, we shall have to see.

    I can't wait for my brother to come and stay tomorrow so that I can have some emotional backup. I NEED A HUG and he is very good at them even though one of his arms is partially paralysed!

    Liz x
     
  11. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Liz

    What a terrible thing to do to your mum. It seems your original feelings about this home were correct.

    I hope you manage to get mum moved back to the respite home quickly.

    Enjoy those hugs from your brother, sounds like you need them.

    Love

    Cate
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Liz, fingers crossed a place comes up soon. I think a formal complaint is justified. Life is confusing enough for dementia patients, without them being shunted about for someone else's convenience.

    Here's a hug to be going on with, until your brother arrives.

    Love,
     

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  13. lizzie2596

    lizzie2596 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2007
    91
    Thanks for that Hazel - perfect for tiding me over until I get the real thing tomorrow.

    Liz xxx
     
  14. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Hi Liz I feel for you, I have recently been through the process of putting my Mum in a home. As my mum is only 67 she looks like she is a visitor and not resident, she has also escaped twice. I thought she would never settle in. Now she has got to know the staff and them her things are better. She talks about how kind they are and gets most upset if a resident from another part of the home disturbs her gang!! She also introduces me to her new friend every time I visit. (my mum has never made friends). She also got lost a lot in the begining but has now begun to remember where things are. I think as some of the others have said it takes time .Keep your chin up you are doing the best you can try to remember that:)
     
  15. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,976
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Liz,
    Please update us when you have a chance. I really want to know how your mother is coming along.
     
  16. Lizzie K

    Lizzie K Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    18
    East Midlands
    Oh Lizzie I have just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. I know how difficult it is to be a stroppy cow and it is wrong to have to act like that but sometimes sadly it is the only thing you can do.

    We are presently looking at care homes for FIL for his respite care and I am afraid that I am firing question after question at them. I have to switch off from the fact that I may sound like the DIL from hell but if he ends up in their care they are going to know that we will be on top of things. I too would have been furious about the moving of rooms if I were in your shoes. I really hope that you can move your mum into the respite home soon. Please keep us posted and I hope you enjoyed your hugs when you got them. Take care. Lizzie K
     
  17. lizzie2596

    lizzie2596 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2007
    91
    Hello again everyone

    Mum has been in the CH for 7 weeks now and, in spite of the initial problems, seems to be quite settled. She hasn't hit it off with any of the other residents as such but does sit and have a chat with them sometimes. She prefers being with the carers and some of them have formed good relationships with her. They really are amazing people.

    She is very chatty, more so than when she was alone at home for hours on end. A lot of what she says, or tries to say, shows that she is living in the past or some sort of alternative reality, but who cares as long as she is happy there!!!!!

    Now that I am back at work I am visiting at the weekend and this seems to be working well. She thinks that I have travelled quite a distance to see her, like we always had to do to visit family in the past. She knows who I am most of the time, although one visit I'm her sister and the next I'm her mother!!!

    Under the circumstances I feel that things have worked out better than I could have hoped for. Mum is in a safe environment and is now quite accepting of the change. I am used to having the house to myself and being able to please myself what I do and when. Going out with friends on Friday was such a treat and now I can do it whenever I want. Best of all I feel that I have banished the guilt monster from my life - result!!!!

    Thanks again for all of the support that you wonderful people gave me when things were so bad. I hope my experiences give some of you hope that things can work out for the better.

    Liz x
     
  18. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Liz, I'm so glad things have worked out for you. You seem to have found the ideal place for your mum, and it's lovely that she has settled in so well.

    I do hope things continue to go well for you. Keep in touch.

    Love,
     
  19. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Hi Lizzie,I am so glad your mum has settled and that you have got your life back.Its a difficult job finding the right home these days.The media are eager to show "bad" care homes but never show the "good" ones.There are more good than bad i am sure.It made me laugh when you said your mum had called you her mother .I had a call at work from a residents daughter a few weeks ago she said "HI Elaine its .............. mum" i said "my word,how old are you then,seeing daughter is 94?"Its a standing joke every time she rings or visits.take care and love to you both.elainex
     

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