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Feelings...................so hard...............worried


Registered User
Feb 17, 2012
A couple of years ago my mum "Pillar of salt-community" started showing signs of things not being right. I however live 5 hours away so it wasn't until it became very apparent that it was spotted. Now in hindsight she must of had this horrible horrible disease years before but having not heard much about it I wasn't aware of what the signs were.
She had been a Samaritan for 35 yrs fiercely independent etc etc and a VERY WELL respected member of the community. Close friends of hers didn't even spot anything was wrong.
Given a choice I think Dementia was probably the right way for end of life in this case. She wouldn't have wanted to know her time was ending as it would of scared her but a horrible horrible way for family watching her slipping away. Seeing things that weren't there.....food all down the front of her.....distress.......confusion. She had had to be admitted to a care home from hospital (she fell down her brother's stairs while on a visit)this didn't faze her as she was too far down the line by then at 87
Mum never hugged or told me that she loved me in fact it always seemed that I hadn't done the best I could of (or that's what it felt like) I was too fat - my hair was a mess - I shouldn't cry in front of people-I shouldn't tell friends things. People told me that she loved me but this certainly did not come across at all EVER. In hospital she pulled my face right up to hers and said "Remember no matter what I will always love you" that absolutely reduced me to tears. I mean she had dementia did she mean it? for me it was "a little too late".
Now she has passed I constantly feel dementia is all around me. Why did I not see it? Guilt because the day she died I couldn't get to her because of the snow blocking roads. Her sister also has it now........is it hereditary?
I don't want my children to see me go down the same route.......visiting me in a care home where I know nothing or no-one dropping food all down me. I want them to abandon me in the home because I would feel better about that now. Or maybe I should take my own life if I realise it is happening. I recently had Dementia training and now I can see ALL the things I missed with mum. Dementia is all around me in work in the street in friend's families everywhere.
I will apologise to all the people out there that are feeling the same and the ones where their relative is driving them MAD doing strange things. Just be careful because when they are gone it leaves you with unsurmountable guilt with what you said did or thought about them in their time of need especially when in your heart of hearts that they did their best to get YOU to where you are today - whatever or wherever that might be.
God I really hate it all I wish I could go back to when getting old-dementia-frailness etc was nowhere in my mind. BUT sadly I can't................. :(


Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
I am sorry to read that you are so distressed, I can't help you much other than to suggest you need to see your GP and say that you are thinking about these things so much. There is little you can do about the future, I firmly believe that whether you get some form of dementia or not is largely down to chance, so it is best to live each day as best you can and enjoy yourself.
Perhaps when you feel a bit better you can discuss this with your children. When I told mine to abandon me in a care home they replied that it really wasn't down to me and that they would want to continue to see me whatever it was like.
Suicide is absolutely not the answer in my view. This is just about the worst thing that can happen to a family, please don't go that way, it is worse than seeing someone suffering dementia.
Try to get to your doctor.


Registered User
Apr 17, 2015

Although I can't put myself in your shoes, I can certainly empathise with you. If people want to hide things from us, they will. We can't beat ourselves up over accepting what somebody else is saying. It makes sense to me now that if someone is worried about what is happening to them, and what the result will be, then they'll try to hide it. If we look at it from a clinical point of view, then we'd see problems. But what we see is a parent (family member) trying to live a normal life, and wanting to help them with that.