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Feelings of intense grief

Lizzles

New member
Apr 20, 2021
1
0
Hi there,

My immediate family have all been aware of my mum's cognitive decline for a few years now. I think I was in denial about it. Anyway it got bad enough that she was getting very confused about very large life events. We have eventually got her to accept she needs to go to the GP. In the process of reaching out to her GP and the dementia UK helpline, I've come to accept that she most likely has dementia (both her GP and the dementia UK helpline indicated this). We haven't got an official diagnosis yet but it will come soon enough. The process of all of this has sent me into an intense sphere of grief. I'm crying all the time, I'm scared about what this means for my mum, my dad, all of our lives. And I'm so so sad about losing my mum. Part of me wonders if me posting here is just to express myself to someone. I live alone and in a different city to my parents and I just feel so so sad. I'm based in North East London, if anyone knows of any resources around grief that I could access, or any general advice would be very welcome! Cheers.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
65,309
0
70
Dundee
Welcome to the forum @Lizzles.

I’m so sorry to read about your mum and can understand that you must be feeling this grief. I’m glad you’ve found this forum. Posting here to express yourself is a really good idea. There will always be someone here to listen and support. I wondered if this factsheet on grief would be of help.


This article is about anticipatory grief. It is in relation to cancer but I think it applies in any situation where we are grieving for someone who is still alive -


You’ve made a very positive step by sharing your feelings here. Please keep posting - you are amongst people who understand.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,737
0
Hello @Lizzles

These feelings are quite usual when facing a probable diagnosis of dementia in a loved one. As @Izzy says, you have made a positive step posting here. One of the problems we can come across is feeling that nobody else understands but here you will find people that really do because they have been through, or are going through, the same things. Keep posting for advice and support, with anything you are concerned about or just to tell us how you are feeling. There are lots of us out here who can help you along and there is no such thing as a stupid question.

There is a great deal of information about dementia on this site, which can be very useful but remember that not everything you read about will necessarily happen. Dealing with symptoms as they come along is probably the best approach.
 

AwayWithTheFairies

Registered User
Apr 21, 2021
140
0
Hi @Lizzles

I’m new here too and at the same stage with my mum. I’ve dropped her off and sat in the car to cry which is not me at all so I know a little bit how you feel. I live in NW London but currently am staying in another country with my mum because she is alone in the world since dad died and been isolated for well over a year due to the pandemic. That has been a disaster for her and hastened her loss of independence. I have my own family, an other half and two very newly adult children who are in or about to move out to go to uni, so I feel like I have just jumped from one long-term carer role to another. So I’m feeling sad about the loss of my own imagined future life too.

It’s a reasonable response to be sad! As a lifelong sufferer of depression myself, I have some strategies that help me to care for myself. You are reacting in a reasonable way, but once you feel able I recommend connecting with someone, anyone, even a walk with a friend and no mention of your troubles if you don’t want, can make your mood better. Of course that is what you are trying to do here as well, so give yourself credit for making a constructive step.

And thanks for inspiring me to register on here, I’ve been lurking for a couple of week and I think reading the threads has been very helpful, if sometimes horrifying, so now I will try to join in here myself.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,875
0
Hi @Lizzles and @AwayWithTheFairies
You've both taken the first positive step of a long journey; joining this forum will become a go-to place to share your grief, ask questions and in time share your experiences to those who will surely follow in your footsteps.

Life rarely deal's out a smooth path, you jog along nicely and wham! Along comes a blow that turns your life upside down.

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2017, with symptoms first noticed four years previously.
Mum moved in with OH and I, that same year after dad died, and what really upset me in the early days was realising our reversal of roles.

My lovely mum, who I've always turned to for advice, now needed me to make decisions for her. I had to finally become a grown up.

These days I feel more of a carer, less a daughter. OH and I have faced each step in her decline and adjusted accordingly, but are now giving 100% care around the clock. Until now, our daughter's have been able to care for their Grandma to give us a break, but her personal care is such that I would not expect or want our girls to do what I do. Our next scarey step is investigating respite care.

That is my story, yours will be different, but once you have reached rock bottom with your emotions, a future for your family that could not have been predicted and is not wanted, there really is only one way to go, and that's up.
Knowledge is power, so ask questions, find out about local resources and support your mum's. They are worth it.
 

Max68

Registered User
Aug 21, 2018
145
0
Sussex
As others have said you will find some great advice for some wonderful people on here. Just my tuppenceworth what I would say is make a pact with yourself now that you will forgive yourself any feelings you might have as time moves forward., Since mum was officially diagnosed a couple of years ago and since she moved into care the range of emotions both I and my sister have gone through is extreme. My sister has said many times that it is like grieving for a parent who has passed but they are still here and I totally agree. Many feelings from anger, grief, frustration and guilt have hit me, especially when it comes to things like I should have noticed something earlier and I wish I had spent more time with her when she lived by herself but I now just tell myself it has gone, it's done so don't beat yourself up about anything you can't do anything about or you can quite literally drive yourself mad. I also concentrate any anger on the illness. Mum can get quite agitated and nasty with some comments because she doesn't understand the need to be in care. If I let myself think that is mum talking it can get quite hurtful so I say to myself it's the illness that is making those comments NOT mum. It's not easy but in time you can get quite hardened to it, a little matter of fact. That in itself sounds harsh but it's not about not caring but protecting yourself from your feelings. We are of course all different but just thought I would share what helps me.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,768
0
Just my tuppenceworth what I would say is make a pact with yourself now that you will forgive yourself any feelings you might have as time moves forward., .
Hi @Lizzles excellent advice above from @Max68 I wish someone had said this to me a few years ago, it would have helped a lot.

Just remember, none of this is your fault.
 

Sasperilla

New member
Aug 17, 2020
2
0
@Lizzles I am new here and feel exactly the same way. My Dad was diagnosed 9 months ago and has steadily deteriorated. I feel like crying every time I phone him. Visiting in person is better, but I am already grieving the loss of the Dad I knew and also his dignity. It’s taken me a while to join as I’m very afraid about what I’m going to read on here about his future. I just feel weepy all the time. Is this a stage or does the grief go up and down?
 

Kakatwa

New member
Jun 7, 2021
2
0
Hi there,

My immediate family have all been aware of my mum's cognitive decline for a few years now. I think I was in denial about it. Anyway it got bad enough that she was getting very confused about very large life events. We have eventually got her to accept she needs to go to the GP. In the process of reaching out to her GP and the dementia UK helpline, I've come to accept that she most likely has dementia (both her GP and the dementia UK helpline indicated this). We haven't got an official diagnosis yet but it will come soon enough. The process of all of this has sent me into an intense sphere of grief. I'm crying all the time, I'm scared about what this means for my mum, my dad, all of our lives. And I'm so so sad about losing my mum. Part of me wonders if me posting here is just to express myself to someone. I live alone and in a different city to my parents and I just feel so so sad. I'm based in North East London, if anyone knows of any resources around grief that I could access, or any general advice would be very welcome! Cheers.
 

Kakatwa

New member
Jun 7, 2021
2
0
Hi there,

My immediate family have all been aware of my mum's cognitive decline for a few years now. I think I was in denial about it. Anyway it got bad enough that she was getting very confused about very large life events. We have eventually got her to accept she needs to go to the GP. In the process of reaching out to her GP and the dementia UK helpline, I've come to accept that she most likely has dementia (both her GP and the dementia UK helpline indicated this). We haven't got an official diagnosis yet but it will come soon enough. The process of all of this has sent me into an intense sphere of grief. I'm crying all the time, I'm scared about what this means for my mum, my dad, all of our lives. And I'm so so sad about losing my mum. Part of me wonders if me posting here is just to express myself to someone. I live alone and in a different city to my parents and I just feel so so sad. I'm based in North East London, if anyone knows of any resources around grief that I could access, or any general advice would be very welcome! Cheers.
Hi @Lizzles how are you? I've come on here as I feel exactly the same. I'm crying all the time and feel so hopeless and I just want to talk to someone who understands. It's so very hard.
 

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