Feelings, feelings

[fizzbomb]

After a visit to my mam in her nursing home, I left bereft of any feeling. Numb. I have always been close to her but since my dad died 5 years ago we became much closer.
Since her diagnosis of mixed dementia, I have watched with great sadness, and heartbreak,as the disease took hold. Now,I feel that her personality is slipping away.
Please don't get me wrong, I cherish any good times we have but after this last visit.... I felt as though my connection with her was not as strong.

I went with my brother, she greeted him, and when I said hi she didn't really acknowledge me. She seems to know who I am, though I felt that I was just a visitor to her, and could have been anyone. My brother has been her main carer as he lives near her and I don't, and she still connects with him well. Which I am happy about, I don't want this to sound as if I am bitter
At one point she hugged a woman who had come to see her from mental health team. My mam gave her a huge hug, and a kisss on the cheek telling the woman (who she had never met) how lovely she was, but I had to initiate a hug from her(god I do sound bitter!oops)
As my mam talked about cars and buses that weren't there, people who didn't exist, counted the patterns on her skirt, changed topics constantly,I felt distant,asking myself how to respond. There was no meaning to me, it was just words. And then there was the guilt... how could I feel like that about my mother? I listened, made the right sounds, agreed, nodded, laughed with her, tried to make conversation. I tred to go into her world, see the things she saw, and yet I walked away feeling sad, and lonely,as if I had done her no good.
Right at the end of the visit, I saw a glimpse, after we had said our goodbyes, I turned round to wave to her. For a brief moment, she looked at me, and I knew we had connected, with our eyes, and the lovely smile she gave me.It was the smile she always gave me when I used to come to visit her over the years.
So.... feelings.... I love her, I miss her, and I will keep on trying to connect in whatever way this dreadful disease allows me to. I am learning that it doesn't matter what words are spoken any more, as long as they are spoken in love. And guilt, you can go away!You have no place here, my mam still has my heart, and I know, as I type this, that I will always love her, and I know she loves me.

 

[stanleypj]

I found this very moving fizzbomb. especially after thinking that it was not going to end well.

Thank you for posting.

 

[Shedrech]

And when all of this horrible dementia stuff is in the past

It was the smile she always gave me when I used to come to visit her over the years.

THIS is what will remain with you always

I know she loves me.

Too right she does - and she knows deep in her soul that you love her

 

[fizzbomb]

Thank you for your lovely replies. They have lifted my spirits so thank you ! And kassy, hold that memory in your heart. It has given me goosebumps. X

 

[Babymare01]

Hello Fizzbomb

Your post really touch my heart as in many ways it was as if I was writing it myself. My mum no longer acknowledges me or recognises me and I was always so close to my mum. She rarely opens her eyes now. But I know somewhere inside my mum she still loves me. Somewhere deep in her heart I still live. My mum now has to be fed and I try and go in at lunchtimes to feed her and find this really comforting as my lovely mum was always there for me, to pick me up either physically or emotionally, and now its my turn to be there for my mum.

This evil illness may take our loved ones from us but inside them we do remain in their hearts - that im convinced of.

Please remember you are not alone and have a huge )))))hug((((( xxxx

 

[lesley1958]

I reently stayed with my parents for 10 days while my mum - main carer for my dad - got over shingles. On the day I had to return to Bristol and work my dad did not want me to go. He said "I don't know your name but I like you!"

So at least he still likes me even though increasingly he doesn't know who I am.

It is all heartbreaking. I feel for you so much. Strength and love xxx

 

[Mrsbusy]

I reently stayed with my parents for 10 days while my mum - main carer for my dad - got over shingles. On the day I had to return to Bristol and work my dad did not want me to go. He said "I don't know your name but I like you!"

So at least he still likes me even though increasingly he doesn't know who I am.

It is all heartbreaking. I feel for you so much. Strength and love xxx

Hope your Mum soon feels better, but please be aware that Shingles takes about eighteen months to actually leave the system so she really needs to be kind to herself.

Glad your Dad liked you, makes all the difference doesn't it. I'm the bad guy at the moment as I'm calling my Dads bluff as he insists he is coping when he clearly isn't. Never mind I have broad shoulders.

 

[lesley1958]

thanks for the advice about the shingles Mrsbusy. It is a horrible thing, she was in so much pain with it. I'll pass on your wisdom to her in case she starts trying to do too much!