Feelings after parents gone into Care Home

[Tilly13]

Hello ,
I just wondered if anyone else has had these feelings after parents have gone into a Care Home.....
3 weeks ago we successfully moved my parents closer to me - both have Dementia ( Dad Alz and Mum Mixed ). It was the right time as even with Carers 4x a day there was a need for 24 hour care.
We chose a small home and I've been told they are settling in well.
I have visited once a week and phoned so as to allow them time to settle and get to know other residents and staff but now I'm struggling to feel any pleasure in going to see them and that makes me feel so sad. I get a bit anxious about phoning and having to book a time slot too - silly as the staff are very friendly.

I'm not sure if I'm just totally exhausted by the past 2+ years of caring or am struggling to suddenly not be in control of everything.
I spent the first week in tears.
I do now have to sort out everything to do with their house and will need to organise to put it on the market very soon - another worry and just feel I'm lacking the motivation and energy.
I know it is early days but just wondered if anyone else had the same feelings as these? I feel guilty as I love my parents dearly.

 

[nae sporran]

I know how you feel @Tilly13. My partner just moved into a temporary nursing home assessment bed and will be moving to a permanent place as soon as an appropriate home has a vacancy. Exhaustion and the felling that your parents are deteriorating so that you worry for the future are bound to take a toll. It is hard to let go, but you have done your best for them and they are in a safe place.

 

[canary]

You have been running on adrenaline for a long time and now the adrenaline is wearing off, so you just feel flugh - with no energy and not wanting to do anything.
Give your body and mind a bit of time to rest and you will get your energy back again.

 

[JHA]

I put my mom into a respite care home bed last Wednesday and I basically feel numb. She does not want to be there, does not see why she has to be there and is ringing constantly begging me to go and get her.

She has Lewy Body Dementia and lived home alone where we basically winged it with me going over once a day and ringing in the evening. Unfortunately she wandered out of the house in the early hours of 23rd December and after staying with her 24/7 for 8 days I admitted defeat.

Like you I feel guilty but deep down I know she is in the right place and cannot be allowed home. Its almost as if I have built a barrier if I let the emotion get to me I will be of no use to her or me.

 

[Jale]

I agree with canary - while you have been caring for your mum and dad, I think your body/mind runs on autopilot. Once the pressure is removed ie your mum and dad going into a care home your body/mind starts to wind down a bit at a time. Before covid I used to visit Mum every day in her nursing home, since covid she has deteriorated (not all down to covid) and I am ashamed and sad to say that I dread seeing her now but still feel the need to book the appointments (hoping this makes sense) and see her. Very often she is asleep when I go and even if she is awake she is now unable at times to string words together and very often doesn't know me.

I think Christmas also brings its own problems - people expect you to be happy and welcoming at Christmas time, but certainly for me Christmas is just another thing to have to deal with, and this can all takes it toll on our mental and physical wellbeing.
Please be kind to yourself, and make time to do something for you no matter how small or silly it may seem. You now have to adjust to a new way of life and it will take time.
Take care and sending hugs your way

 

[Uruslaa]

Hello ,
I just wondered if anyone else has had these feelings after parents have gone into a Care Home.....
3 weeks ago we successfully moved my parents closer to me - both have Dementia ( Dad Alz and Mum Mixed ). It was the right time as even with Carers 4x a day there was a need for 24 hour care.
We chose a small home and I've been told they are settling in well.
I have visited once a week and phoned so as to allow them time to settle and get to know other residents and staff but now I'm struggling to feel any pleasure in going to see them and that makes me feel so sad. I get a bit anxious about phoning and having to book a time slot too - silly as the staff are very friendly.

I'm not sure if I'm just totally exhausted by the past 2+ years of caring or am struggling to suddenly not be in control of everything.
I spent the first week in tears.
I do now have to sort out everything to do with their house and will need to organise to put it on the market very soon - another worry and just feel I'm lacking the motivation and energy.
I know it is early days but just wondered if anyone else had the same feelings as these? I feel guilty as I love my parents dearly.

You sound just like me every thing you said surly that makes us normal or for me knowing I’m not the one is comforting to me

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Tilly13

It is difficult enough to adjust to parents going into care and there is little time to recover if a property has to be cleared and sorted for selling.

For me, disposing of my mother`s belongings and home while she was still living was the worst task imaginable. I took a week`s leave of absence from work to get the house cleared rather than doing it in the evenings and weekends.

If you can, give yourself a break from all responsibilities just for a short time to allow yourself some breathing space.

 

[Uruslaa]

Hello @Tilly13

It is difficult enough to adjust to parents going into care and there is little time to recover if a property has to be cleared and sorted for selling.

For me, disposing of my mother`s belongings and home while she was still living was the worst task imaginable. I took a week`s leave of absence from work to get the house cleared rather than doing it in the evenings and weekends.

If you can, give yourself a break from all responsibilities just for a short time to allow yourself some breathing space.

I’m trying but I also have a family i at times am feeling lost my brother is the executor and he said something about an estate sale I’m So worried about my mom her switch coming back on in her wondering where all her stuff is I want to save everything so I have something to give her is it crazy

 

[canary]

I’m trying but I also have a family i at times am feeling lost my brother is the executor and he said something about an estate sale I’m So worried about my mom her switch coming back on in her wondering where all her stuff is I want to save everything so I have something to give her is it crazy

I know that feeling. Clearing their home is horrible and I packed so much of mums belongings into boxes and brought them home. She has now passed away, but the boxes are still piled up in my spare bedroom

 

[Tilly13]

Thank you so very much as always for your replies.
I think it is true @nae sporran we know it is the right decision and there's a need for 24 hour care but it means that we've all reached the next stage of this 'journey 'Do hope you get a permanent home soon for your partner and like me adjust again and that she is comfortable.
I understand that feeling of numbness @JHA and like you at the moment carry a guilty feeling . Also the same with keeping my emotions in check ( the tearfulness on the first week caught me out ). The move didn't just happen it was months of preparation ( taking clothes home to wash-, using 'love lies ' to explain why, buying toiletries,
name labelling, copying precious photos and framing them ) all whilst phoning and if possible visiting the limited number of homes suitable. That adrenaline again @canary .....
Really hope your Mom settles @JHA - on my 2nd visit my Mum started up repeating everything again about this not being her home , not their belongings , it's a weird place we shouldn't be here etc etc but I could take comfort from knowing she would get reassurance immediately once I'd left. She has phoned using her mobile and continually repeated everything and that her bag is missing but I think it is possible this week that the mobile is no longer charged up ! My Mum with Mixed Dementia is very ' knowing ' and aware that things are not 'normal ' - much more so than Dad with Alzheimer's.
Thank you for the idea of using a set amount of time to try to sort out the house and to try really hard not to bring it to my house - it's started already as my Mum was tearing up photos and so I quietly brought away precious family ones and other important family papers etc. It was my family home too so all those memories .....

Anyway thinking of all you wonderful people xx
PS Phone call from home this afternoon - member of staff has tested positive so no visits......and the worry and guilt returns....

 

[canary]

Phone call from home this afternoon - member of staff has tested positive so no visits......and the worry and guilt returns....

Oh no! Thats the worst news, but so many are in exactly the same situation.
Nevertheless, it is not your fault.
I will pass you the Official Talking Point Guilt Monster Bashing Stick. It is well worn and rather dented, but still strong and up to the job.
Now, repeat after me it is not my fault and give that guilt monster on your shoulder a right good bashing


I hope your mum stays covid free
xx

 

[nae sporran]

Sorry your mum's home now has a Covid case to contend with @Tilly13. Fingers and every else crossed for you and I hope you mum stays safe.

 

[melli]

Hi Tilly, so understand how you feel. I dint want to accept that my Mom had to move. following a hospitalization an infection and delirium accelerated her Alzheimer's, when they said she wouldn't be able to live alone and was never going home, it was just the worst and the whole guilt, - should I have noticed, is the home right for her does she need residential or nursing. Tracking down a social worker- a house that stood empty , bills and procedure I didn't understand was overwhelming. Then throw the covid blanket over everything and it just gets worse.
The advise I give to you is, its natural to feel the way you do, we only feel guilt because we care. you will find away to live with it but it takes time, for both you and for them to settle. Be kind to you, you are the one who needs support and care, because if you don't take care of you , you cant take care of them. x

 

[Wildflowerlady]

Hello @Tilly13 you have done a good thing you have moved your parents into a nice home and they have settled. I understand your own feelings as I had to take my dad into a CH in November 2020 and I remember well the upset I felt. I couldn't look my dad in the eye as my eyes were filling up. I had packed him a suitcase labelled all his clothes shoes and slippers at my home and put in the boot of my car. Dad was none too happy as some deception had to be used to get him there and he initially refused to give me a hug before he went through the main reception doors into the hallway of the home. Covid obviously played a part in the beginning and visits were limited. You have done the right thing and hopefully in time you will see you did your best because you have. I got some photo's copied and put into an album for dad which I took in at least then the original ones are safe.
If it is of any consolation and hopefully may offers some reassurance I did catch covid picked up from visiting dad at the CH but it was a very, very large home with over 80 residents, we had no choice where dad was placed. I believe there were three staff members affected and a resident this was in Jan/Feb 2021. I did get admitted to hospital as was very unwell but my own partner of 78 years did not catch from me ( obviously I isolated within our home ) . In the ward of three beds I was in there was actually a very old lady clearly suffering from dementia but she went back to her CH a couple of days before my discharge as had obviously recovered well. I confess I was glad not only because it showed that the very elderly can and do survive this horrible virus but also because she was keeping us awake at night. I too hope your parents remain covid free and will keep my fingers crossed. I think so much more has been learnt about it and treatment has improved from when I had it although I have to say the hospital I was in was fantastic and from what I could see the lady that went back to the CH was looked after well too. Sadly my dad passed as he was very advanced along his dementia journey when he went into the CH he had a cerebral event/stroke although the exact time could not be determined he also had a positive result. Its highly likely I caught from him as his test result came in and I became unwell around 8 days later however it was not recorded on his certificate as was deemed EOL before actually contracting covid. He passed the day after his result. Take Care ?

 

[Sarasa]

Both my mother and mother in law have caught covid in their respective care homes. The fact that omicron is so contagious seems to be mean keeping it out of homes is nigh impossible. I know my mother's home was very proud of only having had one case since 2020 until now.
They are both nearly 94 and both pretty frail, but both are doing fine, in fact MiL has pretty much recovered and my mum is riding it out.

 

[Ellyjan]

Hello ,Tilly

I just wondered if anyone else has had these feelings after parents have gone into a Care Home.....
3 weeks ago we successfully moved my parents closer to me - both have Dementia ( Dad Alz and Mum Mixed ). It was the right time as even with Carers 4x a day there was a need for 24 hour care.
We chose a small home and I've been told they are settling in well.
I have visited once a week and phoned so as to allow them time to settle and get to know other residents and staff but now I'm struggling to feel any pleasure in going to see them and that makes me feel so sad. I get a bit anxious about phoning and having to book a time slot too - silly as the staff are very friendly.

I'm not sure if I'm just totally exhausted by the past 2+ years of caring or am struggling to suddenly not be in control of everything.
I spent the first week in tears.
I do now have to sort out everything to do with their house and will need to organise to put it on the market very soon - another worry and just feel I'm lacking the motivation and energy.
I know it is early days but just wondered if anyone else had the same feelings as these? I feel guilty as I love my parents dearly.

Hello Tilly
I am awake now because i saw my Mum for the first time in her care home today. I cant stop crying as she was behind a Perspex screen in a wheelchair wrapped up in a blanket. She did not recognise me as her daughter.. told me I was a liar and her daughter was lovely..
As brave as I tried to be I cried behind my mask.
The memories of her beloved grandchildren and great grandchildren gone ?
I stayed only a short time as i wanted to cuddle or touch her hand so badly.. the child in me!

This all happened so quickly 9th December Mum taken into hospital with delirium . I thought it was urine infection. mum up to this point was quite ibdependent and lived on her own ..
Up to then We took meals three times a day and took her to church. She has a Walker snd quite mobile for 92.
She had had no diagnosis of dementia up to this point.. sone signs it was there though
Mum was taken by ambulance and she had a fall in hospital.. had a seizure ..
Then no longer knew who i was. So quickly her memory was erased of all her family. Some agression too and anger and wanting to go home but somewhere in her past. Not mums hone.

On Christmas Eve she was moved to a nursing home by the hospital. I could not see her until today.. Christmas New Year and her 92 birthday was in the hone in isolation.
i was dreading visiting my mum today as it was my first time and didnt know what to expect!
I miss my Mum so much and knew and accepted she has gone ..
mum was behind the perpex screen sitting in a wheelchair wrapped in a blanket.. so vulnerable
Mum smiled when she saw me and wavef and I waved back and said its me Jan! Her face clouded and she said you are not my Janice she was lovely all my family are dead!!
I was crying and could not stop the tears but the mask was good blotting paper
As i turned away from the Perspex screen to leave I shouted I love you mum.. she said have i upset you?? Please give the children my love!!
Just like that then she was gone again
Mum was diagnosed with dementia with lewry bodies with manic delirium.and hallucinations.
Which make her agitated.

I also have to sort mums finances out and look at her bungalow.. also to try to move her near to where we live in Devon fees are so very expensive.
Social worker ringing Thursday with financial questions.. solicitor waiting for diagnosis from hospital to enact POA me I am trying to hold it together emotionally. I am an only child but have an amazing partner..
i have my eldest Granddaughter living with us whist at University. I also look after my youngest GD who is two twice a week.
The young and the old and its mum who breaks my heart.
Things will get better I know x

 

[spandit]

@Tilly13, you've done brilliantly, you should be proud of what you've achieved. Your parents are safe and well looked after. Clearing a house is never an easy nor pleasant task. Each time we visited my father's house, it felt like a burglary as we grabbed anything of value and shoved it into suitcases and bags as quickly as we could. Eventually, we realised that there was only so much we could rescue and sent a clearance company in for the rest.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Ellyjan
Welcome to DTP

Things have changed so quickly for you you must be in total shock. I know I was when my late mum faced a similar sudden deterioration many years ago. At least you've found a place where others will understand what you're going through so I hope you'll keep posting.

 

[Ellyjan]

Hi @Ellyjan
Welcome to DTP

Things have changed so quickly for you you must be in total shock. I know I was when my late mum faced a similar sudden deterioration many years ago. At least you've found a place where others will understand what you're going through so I hope you'll keep posting.

Thank You and yes its been like a whirlwind with Christmas New Year .. young children and where is Mum .. yes itvhas been a shock and disbelief. X

 

[Tilly13]

Hello @Ellyjan ,
I really feel that it helps us all so much when we share how it is for us all...... I have a very understanding ( and patient ) husband but I don't like to continually off load onto him , family or friends. To be honest they can't ever totally understand all that comes with our PWD and all that we do , the way it takes you over and all the emotions.
I really appreciate being able to post on here and always feel helped and supported. Sometimes just realising someone else feels the same way helps.

I'm sorry to hear that your Mum has had such rapid changes.
I also look after my 2 year old grand daughter once a week and do school runs for my other grand daughter - sometimes they are a wonderful distraction but at other times I feel exhausted by what I've been doing for my parents and then get annoyed that I'm not giving enough to my grand daughters ! Can't win can we ???

I've been so very fortunate that my parents are self funding and we had POA in place.
Thinking of you - take care x