1. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,525
    Female
    South coast
    Im sorry, Im having a bad day today

    For the past 2 years Ive been so busy. Since Mum started showing signs of dementia (I think she hid it for a long time) Ive tried to get things organised for her, Ive chased up GPs, fought SS, cajoled her into going for appointments, torn out my hair when no-one was doing anything, checked out care homes, applied for CoP, payed her bills and started to sort out her bungalow (yet to be sold). Ive learned a lot from TP and so the first time she did not know me I was not devastated.
    At the same time, my husband who has peripheral neuropathy, uncontrolled epilepsy and cognitive/ memory problems started to deteriorate so Ive appealed against him being turned down for ESA, fought the doctors who said there was nothing wrong and said I was making it all up, pushed for him to have a second opinion, ferried him back and forwards to London for a specialists opinion and various tests (they now think there is a problem) as well as dealing with the day to day challenges of his condition.
    Also I have been working and we have been seriously understaffed (by 40% at one point) so that everyone was asked if they could work extra hours - and the answer was not "no" :(

    The upshot was that I just couldnt take it anymore and went for early retirement, so I finished at the end of March. Since then If been picking up the pieces of things that got left because I didnt have time to do them. Ive spent a whole day finding an NHS dentist who would be willing to take my husband on, Ive booked and taken him for appointments for audiology, to have wax removed and to the podiatrist (plus some more appointments in London). Ive booked and taken the cat for her jabs (so long since Ive been that she has to start a course from scratch). Ive been to the opticians and will have to pick up my new glasses soon. Ive had an interview with someone from the Court of Protection, Ive been to mums bank to register CoP and informed her pension provider.
    The house is a mess and loads of little jobs that need doing - like curtain rails pulled off the wall by my husband when he has an epileptic siezure and he grabs the curtains. The garden needs lots of TLC too and I have been trying to get weeding and pruning done.

    Then, last night it all hit me. Im losing both mum and my husband and Ive lost my work colleagues. I just wanted someone to reassure me that it was all going to be OK and there is no-one to do it. Im pretty much on my own. Yes I have a brother, but hes an invisible. I had to bully him to get him to go and visit mum before she didnt know who he was and I do not expect to see him again before the funeral now :mad:

    Sorry, Im not even sure why I have posted this.
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,579
    Female
    Dundee
    There's little wonder you're feeling weepy. I hope it has helped to get it all out here. I have some understanding of how you must feel. At one point I had my mum living with us and she had vascular dementia and my husband has Alzheimer's. I was working full time. I know that added to all of the 'ordinary' duties you have to coordinate all the appointments etc etc.

    Just wanted to say I understand. x
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,550
    Kent
    I`m not surprised you’re feeling weepy , canary, and I`m really glad you did post , just so you may get a few replies showing you you are not entirely alone and there are people here who understand.

    Having to take on the full responsibilities for family members who are very ill is a daunting task. I cared for my mother when I was in full time work and was lucky to have the support of my husband. When my husband developed dementia I was lucky to have the support of my son. Even then it was draining and so my sympathy goes out to you in shovels full.

    Have you the time or the energy to see if there is any support available for you?
     
  4. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    346
    Essex
    Canary I completely understand your feelings of isolation. Is there a local support group for carers? Our local dementia service has workshops for carers that run for 6 weeks at a time which would at least get you talking to people in the same situation, however I am in Essex so not sure if this sort of thing is countrywide.

    Are you on friendly terms with your ex colleagues? Maybe suggest meeting up for a drink if so?

    I gave up work recently too. I thought I'd be elated as a recent change of management had lead me to start hating my job, but I miss being 'normal' and having some non-dementia time.

    I am very lucky to have some extremely supportive friends and do everything I can to maintain contact, obviously it's hard but I know I have to look after my own emotional well-being in order to look after Mum and Dad properly and you must too.

    Oh and my house is a tip too but I've decided in the great scheme of things it doesn't really matter!
     
  5. Stresshead

    Stresshead Registered User

    Sep 13, 2014
    96
    I'd like to send a hug as well. Everyone on here understands what's it's like and as the saying goes 'it's good to talk'. So keep posting when you need to and get it off your chest. Xx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,848
    Female
    Scotland
    I think too you have raised some important points. Carer usually is taken to describe someone who is caring for a spouse or parent but in your case it is both. On top of that you were holding down a job. I am in awe of those who do that. I took early retirement and am very glad I did as it allowed us to have some good experiences before it all went pear shaped.

    Houses will survive long enough for you to get to that when you are ready. You are heroic already. Good wishes.
     
  7. min88cat

    min88cat Registered User

    Apr 6, 2010
    581
    Hi Canary

    I know exactly how you feel. There are only so many balls you can juggle before something gives way.

    Years ago, I was working full time, mother of 2 young teenagers. My (now late) husband lost his business, was declared bankrupt and we were on the verge of losing our home. My mil was diagnosed (but in denial) with Parkisnons disease. I was trying to work, run 2 houses, hers and ours, do two lots of weekly shops and be a wife and mum.

    Two weeks before Christmas in 1997 I found myself sobbing uncontrollably over the sink.
    A trip to the doctors made me realise that I was a short way from a nervous breakdown.
    Please go and speak to someone, don't bottle it up. They will understand. No one is superhuman.
     
  8. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Hi Canary

    I can really understand how you feel, and am sorry that everything has caught up with you. You are doing so well, but don't be hard on yourself.

    At one time my house and garden were certainly not how I wanted them to look; to me they were unimportant compared to doing as much as I could for my husband. For you, you are trying to care for 2 people, so a double dose.

    Have you thought about contacting SS for support? You can have a carers assessment and it may be that they can offer you some help and support.

    I am sure you're doing a brilliant job, but also remember YOU. You are vital to everything, so don't allow yourself to get too low before asking for help.

    Sending you a hug
     
  9. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    136
    n ireland
    Sorry to hear you're feeling so down. It must be so hard for you with both your husband and mother. Wish there was a magic wand . Take care xx
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,525
    Female
    South coast
    Thank you all so very, very much for your support.
    Stresshead thank you for the hug and thank you everyone for understanding. I think it has all suddenly hit home to me. I guess Ive been so busy to even look at the emotional side.
    Im not so hard pressed as many on here as Mum is in a care home so I am grateful that you think that way marionq, but you really dont need to be in awe of me Im definitely no hero, just someone trying to muddle through and not making a very good job of it:eek:. Izzy, I dont know how you managed it. Shark, you are right I think it is hard on both my husband and mother.

    Min88cat, I identify completely with your post, its all like a hot hard lump in my chest. I think you (and jan) are right I will try and get to see my GP, but my husband does not yet have a diagnosis and most professionals still think that I am making his problems up so Suzanna and Granny G, Im not sure what support may be available. At the moment I dont have time for socialising, but Ill add it to my to-do list ;)

    Thank you all again
     
  11. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    Oh, Canary, what a horrible time for you. You sound worn out and weighed down with loss and sorrow. It's a shame you've lost the enjoyable, almost social, interaction of your work colleagues. You definitely need that carers assessment and some respite care so that you can go out and do something pleasurable, maybe join a hobby group of something and socialise, even if it's only a few hours a week.
    Although I am not in the same situation, my Mum died unexpectedly last June when I was holiday, leaving my Dad (who has mixed dementia) helpless and alone after 55 years of happy marriage. I have lost my Mum and my Dad and I also carry a huge heavy lump in my chest a lot of the time. I am an only child and I have lost both parents within a year (Dad deteriorated a heck of a lot when Mum died).
    Keep your chin up, love, there are a lot of us here to support you. Sending hugs and best wishes :) Jane xx
     
  12. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    A care home does not alleviate all the worry and duties, as I well know. You are doing a sterling job but you must make time for you and look after yourself. Keep posting. Lots of people on here will keep listening. *hug*
     
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,525
    Female
    South coast
    #13 canary, Apr 27, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2015
    Thank you Redlou and cerridwen

    Your words mean a lot to me
     

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