Feeling very sad today

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Linda G, Nov 7, 2017.

  1. Linda G

    Linda G Registered User

    Oct 23, 2017
    The last couple of days I have been feeling pretty depressed. I very much miss my husband. He is still here with me but is not the same caring, loving person he was. I am losing the man I relied on and feel I have gained a child in his place. I will always love and care for him as we had a great marriage, I find myself getting very irritated at times and then feel terribly guilty as I know he cannot help it. A very dear friend has just lost her husband to cancer which I think has helped bring on my dark mood. She will grieve her loss but I feel wrong to grieve my loss as my husband is still here and feel very selfish for feeling like this. It's just good to be able to air my thoughts because I know here I will not be judged as you all have probably undergone these feelings at some time

    Every person coping with a person who has dementia has my greatest respect. This is not easy!
  2. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    I don't think it's selfish, I think anticipatory grief with dementia is something a lot of us experience. I'm sure others will be able to express it better, but I wanted to say you are not alone.
  3. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    I understand completely. We have lost the person with dementia whatever the relationship. I lost my dad to cancer in August, I’ve lost my mum who lives with me to dementia and also their home which has to be sold. I haven’t been able to grieve for my dad and it’s eating me up inside.
    Sending a hug and you are not alone x
  4. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    @Linda G

    I understand that and I don't think anyone will judge you for it. I just spent the evening with my dad and I love him very much and he is so sweet but I miss the dad I had before. The strong capable and dependable dad who could do anything, he could fix my car and the house, he was clever and hard working. He always looked after us and now I am looking after him in his lost and confused state.

    Silly little things irritate me and I always feel guilty about it but I suppose we all feel like that at times.

    This is a very strange life and I sometimes feel lost and trapped as well.
  5. Scouts girl

    Scouts girl Registered User

    Jan 18, 2017
    it Is difficult to describe anticipatory grief. It is like experiencing a bereavement but as our loved ones are still with us it just feels like it will never end. I sit with my mum in her care home every day watching her disappear both mentally and physically and although she is still my lovely mum in a way she isn’t now, if you know what I mean. I can’t share things with her now, discuss day to day events, We can’t laugh and joke now like we used to over a cup of tea. She looks at me as though she doesn’t know me, although she still calls me by my name. All she continually says is she wants to come home and die. I know life is so sad for her being confined to bed now and I just feel so depressed and wish it would all end peacefully now. But nature will take its course and in the meantime we struggle on.
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Linda I could have written your post. my husband is 84 and we have been married almost 53 years. I care about him and will always do my best for him but of course he is not the man I married or even the man he was five or ten years ago. This is the price of progress when we can keep people alive even when their brain is crumbling.

    Good wishes.
  7. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Hi @Linda G ,
    The most painful loss I experienced was not a death.
    Losing someone when they are still physically alive is unbearable
  8. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    Hi Linda G:

    You are not selfish, whenever you take care of another person I like to call it SELF-LESS. Please do try to take care of yourself, even if only going for short walk. I believe depression is your body telling you it needs something. That need is pampering (which doesnèt happen to often when taking care of a loved one with dementia).

    Hope today is a HAPPY day and do take care of yourself.:)
  9. sqeaker

    sqeaker Registered User

    May 10, 2017
    I am in the same situation as you, my husband who is the love of my life is getting worse, i do so much now and dont really get any time to be me.i too get irritated and like you then feel so guilty. I never thought it would be like this and some days i feel so lonely as my husbands speach has been effected, So there are not the conversations we used to have. he does fall asleep quite a lot in the evening and i sit and think how ive lost my husband and now have a child. Its a terrible disease and so hard for both people. my thoughts are with you x
  10. Linda G

    Linda G Registered User

    Oct 23, 2017
    Thank you everyone for your kind words. It is reassuring to be able to talk with people in the same position as you feel so alone at times. It is not easy to explain your feelings to people who really don't understand dementia. Only the other day I mentioned to a sister how hard I was finding this. She lost her husband to cancer a few years ago. Her reaction to me was that I should think myself lucky that I still had my husband and that she would love to have her husband back any day, even with Alzheimer's! Yes my husband is still here and I do appreciate that, but that does t stop me from feeling the loss of the husband I once had, someone who was very loving and caring, plus all the extra duties I have taken on can be very tiring.

    I am so pleased I decided to join this website, it is heartbreaking to read so much hardship but inspiring that as well as having your own problems, you find time to reassure others. You are amazing people.
  11. Sammie234

    Sammie234 Registered User

    Oct 7, 2016
    No need to feel guilty yet we all do at some point. I feel as if I’ve been robbed by a thief in the night, we have just had our 47th wedding anniversary yet he didn’t remember it or rather couldn’t retain it. It is very much a slow grieving process, Their here with us yet not. I love him I always have yet I know He wouldn’t have wanted to be like this, can see it sometimes in his eyes and it breaks my heart, things he used to do I now have to. It’s no longer a partnership like before :( but we trundle along because there is nothing else but to do so.
  12. Saltydog

    Saltydog Registered User

    Nov 1, 2017
    South West
    Hi Linda,

    Many of us will identify with your post. This is a truly devistating disease that strips the person of their identity. What you are feeling is so normal and is not selfish in anyway. I don’t think you would be human if you didn’t feel the way you do. Be kind to yourself.

    Love and hugs xxx
  13. Saltydog

    Saltydog Registered User

    Nov 1, 2017
    South West

    I don’t think you can compare the two. Both losses whether it’s via cancer or dementia are equally devistating. Both involve loss which is far reaching for al involved. Only you know how you feel and acknowledge that. Bless you sister for trying to make you feel better, she probably was trying to help in her own way but hasn’t got the insight to know how this statement came across. And bless you too. Both are hard and both cannot be compared. Xxx
  14. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    How we beat ourselves up when we just need to have some self love and understanding. My wife is slowly becoming more reliant on me, not wanting me to be too far away or go out . She has vascular dementia and it's like someone fading away day by day. Like you we've had a great marriage of 27 years. She could run circles round me in discussions, do complicated crosswords, suduko, word games...all gone. No more reading a book , no more in depth conversations. It's the vagueness I hate. Like you I get frustrated and irritated but then I feel sad that I know how much she feels lonely with her struggles. It's so hard wanting your old partner back but knowing it's never going to happen. I don't have anyone to unload on as I'm more or less restricted to the house so this forum it helpful. I'm a man and I cry for the old days, days when we laughed together (she doesn't do jokes or banter now), when we had separate activities that enriched our relationship, a woman who could work out a problem just like that, who could read and discuss in depth. I could go on but what's the point.

    We look at old photos together and share memories but deep down I'm sad inside at what was and unrealistically want it back. It's 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm sad and feeling very sorry for myself.
  15. Scouts girl

    Scouts girl Registered User

    Jan 18, 2017
    I would do anything to have my lovely mum back as she was even just a couple of years ago. I wish i will remember her how she was then, nowhere near looking her 88 years, always well dressed, finely made up and her hair immaculate. But, sadly I only see he as she is now, fading away before my eyes looking now all of her 90 years. I made a memory book for her when she first moved into her care home in the hope that this would help her remember all the lovely and happy times that we had shared through her life. At first it did but now she looks at it with vagueness in her eyes. It is such a slow heartbreaking process we go through and don’t know how we cope day to day watching our loved ones disappear, but we do and I will be there again today with my mum.
  16. Rubylou

    Rubylou Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    Hi Linda g
    Please don't feel bad or selfish,a s you read with many other reply it seems a common thing to happen. My husband was diagnosed with Alz at 59, things had been going very wrong for a good couple of years before that too.
    It is incredibly hard to try and understand how we are supposed to feel with all this, how to manage things and how to cope with however long this is going to go on for. The hardest part I find to cope with is watching them change, how they used to be, what they used to do, things they used to say, affection and love they used to give and decisions they used to make. All that now seem to have been handed to us to cope with. The hurt and the loss is massive and it's only when healthcare professionals or support nurses say to me ' hey don't be so hard on yourself, this is harder for you than anything you are likely to face. It's ok to be hurt, sad and lonely, cross angry and everything else' that my shoulders drop a bit and I feel a little better.
    We have two teenage daughters at home who are a huge help but also have demands and needs to meet. I feel stretched beyond my limits so much of the time, but I know things will change and very quickly as the last few months have shown me.
    Someone said to me when this all started to take as much help as you can that people offer . It can be anything from fixing a picture up or taking your loved one for a couple of hours to potter in their workshop with them.
    Along with the other dementia it is one of the worst diseases ever.
    Sending hugs x
  17. Linda G

    Linda G Registered User

    Oct 23, 2017
    Hi Rubylou. Your story really moved me. So young to get Alz, not even retirement age. I certainly count my blessings as we at least have had six years of retirement before this diagnosis. How hard it must be for you having teenagers also. They come with their own problems so no wonder you feel stretched. I don't know where you find the strength to deal with it. May you remain strong and do try and take care of yourself. Kind thoughts.
  18. Louhelp1234

    Louhelp1234 Registered User

    Jan 10, 2016
    Hope you don't mind me butting in I've just read through this post and I feel for all of you. You all have your own heartbreaking stories send you lots of love hugs and strength.
    Unfortunately I understand a lot of the things.
    I've lost my relationship with my mum we used to be so close and now she's a totally different person.
    I miss the relationship we had. Grieving for the person and relationship you used to have yet still have to look after a stranger is hard. There is no closure no hope just grief and guilt at feeling like this and not being able to do more.
    Big hugs and lots of love to you all xxx
  19. lambchop

    lambchop Registered User

    Nov 18, 2011
    there are a lot of heartbreaking stories on here but also lots of love and support - I find more so than some other forums. It's an incredible role we all take on when looking after someone with dementia - a horrible disease which robs the sufferer of their life and often robs the carer of theirs.

    Greatest of support, hugs and luck to everyone on here.
  20. Linda G

    Linda G Registered User

    Oct 23, 2017
    Morning all. I am not sad today just feeling irritated and frustrated and then later I will feel annoyed with myself for getting irritated. Like most of us we do try and carry on our lives normally and when I am busy my husband will keep asking me questions and I try hard to answer normally and then you get the same question over and over even though you have explained it numerous times. I think a saint would be hard pushed to keep calm!!! This what we all miss is the normality of being able to discuss things sensibly with our loved ones. It's like having a child again only I am thirty odd years older and have less tolerance. Oh well, carry on.

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