1. Busybee67

    Busybee67 Registered User

    May 5, 2011
    I am feeling so very low and down at the moment after the weekend. It was my mums 69th birthday and dad had arranged for some family members and friends to meet for a drink and something to eat. Mum was generally good but struggles now with the toilet and eating so i had to help her with her dinner which i have done for a while now. Anyway the afternoon went generally well. Some of mum and dads friends where there that i had not seen for a year or so and as mum has declined very much in the last 6 months it was painful for them to see and for me to let them see her like this. I have started to develop this overwhelming need to protect her and her dignity as i know she would hate it if her friends could see her being helped with her eating.
    Dad had a great time and that really was what i wanted more than anything. But as i left one of mums close friends pulled me aside to say how bad my mum had become. Well the flood gates opened and really have not stopped since. I feel so cross and annoyed that i could not hold it together as mum has been diagnosed for 5 years now so i should be able to by now. I have never cried in front of my dad about mum (left that to poor husband and kids) and have always stayed in control even in the beginning so feel so ashamed with my self that i got upset. He knew i was upset but did not say anything to me or has mentioned it since. Just that he had a good time.
    Since then my dad seems to be generally avoiding me and i am so scared he now thinks i cant handle it all. We have always been very open about mum and always discussed any problems and how to overcome them together but never discussed our own feelings.
    All of a sudden for the first time in 5 years i feel i cannot cope with this! I feel guilty because of this as i now this year is going to be very difficult for dad as some decision about a care home will have to be made.
    I miss my mum so much and i think seeing all her friends that are the same age as her at the weekend was just so painful. I really hope this all of a sudden helplessness passes as i feel awful at the moment!! I just hope my dad is not cross with me for getting upset.

    Busybee :(
  2. turbo

    turbo Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    Hello Busybee, I think you have done really well not to get upset in front of your dad before now. I don't think your dad is avoiding you. He is probably upset about seeing you get upset. It sounds as if you are a wonderful support to your dad. I can imagine how upsetting it must have been seeing your mum's friends.

  3. chucky

    chucky Registered User

    Feb 17, 2011
    Hi, dont be upset with yourself for being emotional, its perfectly ok to be down once in a while when youve been caring, especially after 5 years. I think your last sentence hit the nail on the head, youve seen mums friends all enjoying theirselves and noticed how much your mum has deteriorated over the last year in comparison and thats likely why the floodgates opened. Im sure your dad isnt avoiding you, you are feeling low and sometimes we can blow things out of proportion to how they actually are. Your dad probably wont even be thinking that you are feeling like this unless you actually sit down with him and talk. Most men arent too good at the emotional side of things and prefer to just get on and forget about it. I wouldnt worry too much about what your mums friend said either, they will see a big difference if theyre not around her that often. I think its the occasion (being her birthday) that makes us see how bad things are now compared to previous birthdays. Its strange how we as carers always measure in timelines, well she could eat/drink/talk/walk/ or whatever last birthday or two birthdays ago etc. To the outside world I always come across as mild mannered and extremely devoted to my parents ,when in reality i get mad as hell at times can be moody and can cry for Britain, no one sees that because i keep it behind closed doors. Sometimes our "mask" slips and a little of our sadness bubbles to the surface for all to see. The only person that thinks thats bad is ourselves. You are at a low ebb, probably a little worn out, tired of the strain and eaten up by sadness at how your mum and dads lifes have changed ALL PERFECTLY NORMAL. Keep talking about how you feel, even if its just here at TP, its good to get it out. We have all gone through or are still going through the same things and theres support hear in abundance, youre not alone. Last thing i will say is ITS OK TO CRY we all do that too. Youre doing well, dont doubt yourself, take care x
  4. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    Hi Busybee, I'd like to give you a big hug and say don't be hard on yourself for showing that you were upset - in my humble opinion the friend of your mum's was very insensitive to have "told you" how bad your mum has become; as if you didn't know. Maybe it wasn't like that, and if not, then I apologise, but it didn't seem right to me that the friend should have said this. Please don't upset yourself at your reaction, it's perfectly normal to feel upset at an insensitive remark. I hope you're feeling better soon, and maybe your dad just wants to give you a bit of a break and this is the only way he knows how.

    My dad did this a while ago, I didn't hear from them for a week (very unusual) and started to get really worried about them; when I rang to see if they were okay and why they hadn't been round on their usual "popping-in" days, dad said he just wanted to give me a break, not realising that it made me worry!

    Take care and hope you feel better soon. xx
  5. Busybee67

    Busybee67 Registered User

    May 5, 2011
    Thank you all so very much for your kind words they are a great comfort.

    Chucky, I do also think seeing all my mums friends again was why the tears started. I hardly can remember my poor mum ever being like them anymore. Thank you so much for your reply.

    CollegeGirl, i really feel like i could with a big hug at the moment!! I was surprised at my mums friends comment too so don't apologise. I have found that lately when i see friends and family that i have not seen in a while I feel that all they want to talk about is mums dementia and how is my dad coping and the answers are always hard to say. Thanks for your kind words.

    Busybee x
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    When anyone asks me how my mam and dad are (whether they know about the Alzheimer's or not), I never know what to say. I wish I could think of something neutral that would move the conversation on without having to go into detail. For some reason I can't bring myself to give the stock "fine thanks" answer, because they're not fine. It's so hard, isn't it?

    Best wishes, Busybee x
  7. susiewoo

    susiewoo Registered User

    Oct 28, 2006
    Bromley Kent
    Seeing relatives or friends the same age group as my Mum always tugs at my heart. Sometimes I feel angry that they can still enjoy their lives and sometimes I relish being able to talk to them and share memories of Mum. I have told daughters to cherish their mums and make the most of their time together.....I think people think me a bit odd sometimes. But every so often I have a good cry.....mostly in the security of my bed but sometimes in the car after visiting Mum.
    Don't be afraid of showing the hurt and pain you are suffering....I hope and pray that my lovely Mum has no understanding of her situation but I would dearly love her back again.
  8. mrs pepperpot

    mrs pepperpot Registered User

    Nov 12, 2010
    south wales
    Hey Busybee im sorry your feeling so helpless at the moment, how have you gone for so long without crying surprises me, for the first year my mother was diagnosed i cried all the time and its amazing how controlled i can be about it, laughing and joking one second then going into the bathroom and feeling hot tears springing , then back out and getting myself together for her, im lucky that i drive for a living so i spend a lot of time in my taxi and it became my vehicle for tears....i dont feel like that now about mum but im sure the tears will come back later on down the road, anyway my point is that its perfectly natural to cry its been a long time comeing so let the tears flow, they will eventually lessen for you....Good luck.
  9. Busybee67

    Busybee67 Registered User

    May 5, 2011
    Thanks Mrs Pepperpot for your reply. Oh i have definitely cried over the last 5 years!! I don't think a week has gone by without a good old cry, but it has just never been in front of my dad which is the main reason why i feel so low. I have always been so strong in front of him even though i am a wreck sometimes when on my own.

    Busybee xx
  10. chucky

    chucky Registered User

    Feb 17, 2011
    Hi Busybee, hope youre feeling better today. x
  11. Lainey

    Lainey Registered User

    Oct 5, 2009
    Your feelings, thoughts and reactions are all sooooooooooooooo normal. I could have written your post word for word myself.
    Big hug for you and a big kiss for your lovely mum and dad xxxx
  12. Busybee67

    Busybee67 Registered User

    May 5, 2011
    Hi Chucky

    Yes i am feeling a lot better today thank you! The tears have dried up for the time being and i am ready to deal with it all again. This year is going to be a very tough year for our family but i will carry on trying to be the strong one for my dads sake. Funny how when i was a little girl i would run to my dad when anything made me cry but now i choose to run from him when upset!
    I really do not know what i would do if i could not come on here for support and advise. Sometimes all i need is someone to listen and understand me.

    I wish i could give you all a big hug and say thank you!

    Busybee xxxxx
  13. chucky

    chucky Registered User

    Feb 17, 2011
    hi Busybee, your post sounds upbeat, im glad to hear youre feeling better. It will be tough but you will have all the support of our collective ears here at TP when you need to off load, and thats a lot of ears!!! x
  14. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    Hi Busybee, so glad you're feeling a bit better today, and stronger again. Take care and keep posting!
  15. Big Geordie

    Big Geordie Registered User

    Feb 6, 2012
    North Tyneside
    Hi busybee, i hope you feel a bit better as a result of the replies/comments you have received. I used to struggle to understand how insensitive some people can be, especially those closest to yourself and the sufferer, you live with the illness 24/7/365 and someone comes along and slaps you in the face with a reminder of what is sometimes blatantly obvious. Inwardly you seeth and feel frustrated, hurt and even guilty as a result of these comments. I have a very close relative who always insists that i should go and look after my wife!!! I came to dislike the comment and increasingly feel anger towards that person, what do they think i do? neglect her? abandon her? ignore her? Eventually however i've come to realise that my relative also struggles with understanding Alzheimers and its effects upon everyone connected to a sufferer and makes the comment not out of vindictiveness or malice but a genuine difficulty in working out what to say or do to offer me support/help and some comes out with this "cliche" type comment. I suppose the simple reality is that most people do not understand this damned awful illness nor what it is like to be a sufferer or carer but feel they should say something to say they acknowledge its presence. I would try not to dwell too much on it if possible and get as much comfort and support from those who are in the same boat as you as possible. I wish you and your family well and hope you can put this behind you and carry on with the superb job you are doing, best wishes.
  16. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    East Coast of Australia
    I cry a lot - in my car

    Having my 93 year old Mum in care with Alzheimers and my 69 year old husband in care in another facility with vascular dementia I find I mostly cry in my car. There are tears for all sorts of reasons; loneliness, helplessness, the realisation that things will never be the same. I cry because they are no longer able to support me or even cry with me.

    I can understand people being insensitive, before I knew about Alzheimers I would have been the same - honest, well-meaning and completely unaware of what the other person was going through. Now sensitivity is my middle name.

    Let yourself cry, watch a sad movie, get out your photograph albums, old cards and cry until you can't cry anymore.

    As for your Dad, I guess he just hated to see what is happening and how that mother/daughter relationship is changing now.

    (((hugs))) from Sue.
  17. KTY

    KTY Registered User

    Feb 28, 2012
    Hi Busybee

    you can do it.. keep going you will get there in the end, everything you are feeling is normal, and everything you are doing is wonderful..

    People don't really understand about this awful illness unless they have lived with it like us lot, they are very fortunate with their lives, I just hope they don't waste it!! Bet they do!! ;)
  18. Butter

    Butter Registered User

    Jan 19, 2012
    there are many of us down here in the depths .... as low as low can be .... they say that the lower you are the better you can see the stars .... hmmmm
  19. susanne1964

    susanne1964 Registered User

    Mar 1, 2010
    Hi Busy, so glad your feeling better today. Have a lovely one

  20. massolina

    massolina Registered User

    Jan 18, 2011
    manchester england
    You said it girl,at the moment i'm constantly on the verge of tears, with a huge knot in my stomach!

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