1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Feeling trapped, upset, angry, need to vent!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by little shettie, Sep 11, 2015.

  1. little shettie

    little shettie Registered User

    Nov 10, 2009
    219
    My mum lives with myself and hubby, has done for the past 15 months. Having cared long distance for both my parents for 7-8 years, once Dad died mum was going downhill and could no longer live alone and I could no longer cope with all the travelling back and forth, late night emergency calls and the worry of what mum was up to. I also couldn't face the guilt of putting her into care so we decided we would sell up, sell mums house and buy a bungalow. So we live in a 2 bed bungalow, we are in the process of converting the garage to be mums new bedroom with her own shower room. She will have more space as her current bedroom is very small and at present the bedrooms are opposite each other so it means if mum has a bad night and shes up and down shuffling around the house, she keeps us awake. Hubby works, and gets up early, he needs his sleep more than I. Of course mum is less than pleased that we're giving her a new bedroom, she said she feels pushed out, but we also need some privacy and it means she can her own tv and some of her furniture in her new room but will still join us for meals and of course is free to sit in the lounge as she does now. Its just she has no interest in TV and tuts and huffs and puffs at us watching tv in the evening, and hubby is not coping too well with her being with us 24/7. Shes made me feel bad about giving her a new room, she always manages to do that my mum, make me feel guilty. Why I carry this guilt I don't know as I've always cared for my parents, done everything for them singlehandedly, shopping, caring, cleaning, Gp, hospitals. medication. You name it. I'm not an only child, I have 3 brothers who basically just let me get on with it. I knew that having mum live with us would be the final nail in the coffin and no chance of any respite whatsoever. My oldest brothers lives 8u0 miles away but he and my sis in law will have mum 2-3 times a year so we can get away, 1 brother is a complete waste of space and only really interested in mum and dad when they were bailing him out financially. Once that dried up and they became ill, he offers no support in any shape or form. Brother 3, used to visit mum on a sunday when she lived at home and offered to have mum to give us a break, but never has since the move. I feel trapped and wonder if I've done the right thing. Don't get me wrong, mum has blank moments, angry moments, but overall at 94 and having had AZ for 6 years, she does remarkably well. She still reads the newspaper, still recognises all the family and you can have a reasonable conversation with her until the repeating begins. Shes well fed, showered daily, everything she needs on hand and shes safe. But still I feel trapped. Our children are off hand, we bought a camper some years ago so we could just take off weekend etc but of course, all that has come to an end. I feel guilty because I don't take mum out much but none of my brothers do either. They never dream of taking her to lunch, to the beach, to their houses, never. I feel the weight of this on my shoulders at the moment. I don't look after myself at all, I was slim, vivacious, fun. Now I feel fat, ugly and miserable. I did speak to the GP but she was reluctant to prescribe AD as she said I knew the reason why I feel the way I do and they would be ineffective. This past week mum has been poorly in bed. Started off as a cold/flu thing, but she developed this bad pain in her back round the kidney area. This was no surprise to me as mum drinks so little, and if I try and push her to drink more she then becomes very aggressive. You can't tell her anything, one little negative word and she goes ballistic. Anyway after 3 days of pain getting worse I phoned the GP and they sent a nurse in to look at mum. Miraculously mum was in no pain and the nurse wasn't really sure why I had called her in. She did prescribe anti biotics for mum as her chest was a bit wheezy and said they'd help if it was a kidney infection. Mum is no better 3 days later, crying with the pain, I couldn't get her out of bed,so phoned GP again and this time a GP came. I explained mum had fed false info to the nurse and when the Gp examined mum, she was able to stand, lay sit, lift her legs without a wince! She told the gp I was prone to exaggeration!! Consequently, the Gp couldn't really say what was wrong and told me to monitor mum and carry on with tabelets for another 7 days and see how she is. To say I was furious is an understatement and I hardly spoke to her yesterday. She stayed in bed and I took her tea and tablets in but that's was it. Low and behold at 10pm last night I hear her crying and when I go into the bedroom, shes writhing in agony with her back!! I am at a complete loss what to do. I keep pumping her with paracetamol. She was on co codamol for a few days but was told not to over do them for too long. I'm still angry at her for lying to the GP. I know mums scared of going to the hospital but I'm at my wits end with her. I feel like walking out and never returning. She just infuriates me. Sorry for such a long post but I just had to get this off my chest.
     
  2. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,955
    If you made a desperate plea for help (which you obviously need), Would your brother and sister in law be willing to come down for a weekend to Mum-sit while you and your husband take a short break somewhere away?

    I think you also ought to be receiving respite care. You sound as if you've reached the state where continuing to care for your Mum at home may not be possible for much longer without the prospects of having breaks from it at regular intervals.
     
  3. angelface

    angelface Registered User

    Oct 8, 2011
    1,086
    london
    What a dreadful situation for you.

    Have you been on to SS and told them you can't cope any longer? You really sound as though you need some help. Legally you dont have any obligation to look after your mum,although I am sure you feel you have to.

    Hope you are not offended by the advice.
     
  4. blueboy

    blueboy Registered User

    Feb 21, 2015
    126
    You really need help - I was carrying on in a similar way until Mum fell and ended up in hospital. She now has carers four times a day and is doing so much better. The stress is just so unbelievable and, only when it is lifted, do you realise just how bad you have been feeling. Siblings won't always help - so don't expect that - contact Social Services asap!
     
  5. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    If Mum won't have the new bedroom, leave her where she is and you and OH have it.:rolleyes: She'll so want it for herself.:rolleyes:
    Demand support, not ask, from your siblings. Tell them that either they help or Mum goes into care and, of course, that will put paid to the inheritances:eek:;);)
    .....and ask the Local Authority for a Needs assessment for Mum and a Carers assessment for yourself. By the way, is she claiming the entitled benefits such as Attendance Allowance?
    The only way to get any practical help from the family will be to make a nuisance of yourself...so go for it!:D
     
  6. AndreaP

    AndreaP Registered User

    I was amazed that your GP said you couldn't have anti depressants because you knew why you were depressed. WT*??? So you lose your job, get depressed but can't have meds? I never heard such a lot of cods wallop.

    Antidepressants correct brain chemistry by stabilising seretonin, dopamine and noradrenaline (the feel good chemicals) in your brain. After growing up in very dysfunctional family I would not be able to function normally without mine and I know exactly why I'm depressed. Get another GP would be my first advice.

    Mum does the same thing ie complains endlessly to me but tells her doctor nothing. Could it be attention seeking? Who can fathom how the dementia affected brain functions?

    I cannot see a happy outcome for you with mum living with you. Things get more difficult with dementia not less. I know you feel guilty about your mum because you have been programmed to be a good and dutiful daughter. But getting mum placed somewhere does not mean the opposite. You and your husband tried to do the "right" thing but it clearly wasn't right for 2 of the 3 people in the equation.

    Having had this type of mother myself (helpful advice immediately interpreted as criticism) I know how difficult it is to say "sorry Mum, can't do this anymore". It will be the best solution I suspect but only you know if you have the courage. It's very, very hard and you will be accused of every awful thing your mother can lay her tongue to. I suggest you get her into respite first and then decide whether it should be a permanent arrangement.

    Best of luck, my dear.
     

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