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Feeling Torn


Registered User
Jun 28, 2015
Any advice out there for the feeling torn between wanting to spend as much time as possible with mum in the final stages of life, she's new to the dementia side but other health problems means we don't know how much longer we have her, and wanting to spend time with my husband.
He is lonely as I am at my mums house a lot and we have always been a very 'closed couple' so we don't have a network of friends for him to lean on while I'm concentrating on my mum and we've never been able to have kids so we haven't got that side for him to concentrate on. He does completely understand what I have to do but there is friction sometimes and as I'm doing so much for mum I don't have time for him or us and definitely not me.
Any advise on how to cope with this side of being a carer??


Registered User
Jul 29, 2013
North East
Is there any way he can join you in caring for your mum. You could spend the time together then. If he refuses then please feel less guilty. You are between a rock and a hard place.
Make sure you spend some quality time with each other at least once a week. Other than that I can't think of anything else to suggest.


Registered User
Jan 14, 2015
Fife Scotland
As you know OH has Parkinson's which I think is moving to dementia, and mum who has. She loves to play off me about OH, OH knows I have to go visit her but it just is so painful for me when I leave OH.

I hope you can work something out.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2011
It could be a plus for him to learn manage without you for a bit...As your Mum is in the final stages of life I would make it clear, with no guilt, that you will be spending more time with her for this reason. Follow your instincts here..


Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
Brixham Devon
Is it possible your OH could do some gardening or 'odd jobs' about your Mum's house?

This may sound harsh but your Husband is an adult, surely he can understand that your instincts are to be with your Mum-especially at this stage? He is not a child whom you have to look after. This may be an appropriate time for him to get some new hobbies. U3A or such like could interest him.

I do agree that dinner out once a week so you can 'catch up' is a good idea-but really what else does he expect you to do?

Take care

Lyn T


Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
Hi andypandy :)

I also feel very torn. I think it's only natural, really. My OH is nearly 70 and feels we should be enjoying retirement together, not, as is the case currently, spending less time together, the more I'm with mum :(

I have made it clear that I cannot abandon mum, but at the same time, will do everything I can to get support and respite. I've involved him in these arrangements so he knows I want to be with him. And as others have said, I make sure to have specific times together. In our case that can be as low key as watching a DVD together, or sometimes meeting up with friends or family.

I also have asked OH to help by coming with me occasionally. I think it's really important to do everything we can to make it a team effort between us, even if it is mostly me that has the responsibility

Hope this helps :)

Lindy xx