Dear
@Scaredandconfused
I read your thread and you have my sympathy. Please allow me to explain how I achieved the LPA goal. I think it would be best for your brother to read my comments or you relay them to him, as 300 miles away means in practical terms he is holding the PWD hand. Fairly long story but hopefully reading it will help on other background matters as well. I am assuming your mum still has capacity so can agree to having an LPA?
1) You state your head is all over the place. It Is not surprising when your mum has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, you are 300 miles away, there have clearly been past problems to deal with. Okay deep breath and accept my comments are aimed at helping and supporting you. Your brother is going to be in the front row of helping your mother on a day to day basis. You will need to help him as best you can from a distance, such as his request you mention the LPA. Alzheimer‘s is only going to get worse. You can really help your brother by being a sounding board, a voice on the phone when something needs discussing, a source of no doubt in the future much needed support.
2) Several ways to “sell” the idea of an LPA, somewhat determined by how the PWD reacts. My mum was always very practical. The LPA was sold as a means by which mum could have some control over her affairs if say she had a stroke, (runs in the family), knowing I would be able to help her eg changes in the home before leaving hospital. What had happened in the past with her mum, the related problems, allowed easy comparison. It meant mum could chose now who she wanted to run her affairs in such circumstances, appoint reserve attorneys in case as I put it I stopped the number ten bus. Humour still worked with mum and took away the thoughts you were having about being seen as wanting control of her money.
3) Mum agreed but wanted it done via a solicitor. More expensive but helped as well. The solicitor was great stressing the LPA was a good idea, practical, etc. She was aware of mum’s condition and confirmed she still had capacity without directly saying she would be checking that point. Mum wanted it all done “properly”, cross the Ts and dot the Is.
4) Importantly remember there is a stepping stone with the LPA. It can be agreed and registered with the court of protection. The choice is have it put into operation immediately so the attorney can act if need be from day one, with the consent of your mother, the best option from a carers view point. The PWD still has charge of their affairs but the attorney can act with their consent. Another sales pitch being mum I can get your standing orders amended for you in future without you having to worry, etc. The alternative is that it only comes into force if the PWD loses capacity, something of a Potential minefield, to be avoided if possible. I and the solicitor stressed to mum it was ready to go immediately If we did the former. Plan for an emergency happening out of the blue, and all will be okay was a policy mum readily accepted. I stressed you never know the future. You in hospital mum, before you can come home changes needed to your home eg chair lift, and I need the authority to get things done and paid for. Sold as an insurance policy with a working practical example. I would stay away from Alzheimer’s as the selling point, unless you are confident your mum can handle the implication for what the future holds? The important point is stressing practicality.
Our LPA was drawn up in early 2018. Gradually got used with the utilities and banks. Personally I had dreaded that day as it would represent me finally saying mum sorry I now need to take over. The insurance policy use by date has arrived. In your circumstances and your mum’s more rapid decline that moment is in reality very likely here, or soon will be.
Long story but it did not work out as I dreaded. So one last point. You clearly have perfectly understandable fears and concerns going forward. A few hours reading threads on this site will not sugar coat the situation. However please remember a few things. Firstly even from a distance you can help, in reality more by supporting your brother in difficult circumstances. Accept he is dealing with matters day to day and directly. Early on my siblings expressed confidence in me to deal with mum who I live with. They stressed they would help me but practical decisions need to be made based on what is best for me and mum, in our daily joint experience of Dementia. Those simple words helped me a lot. They support me, they recognise I have to get on with matters day to day. Secondly both you and your brother need to be gentle with yourselves, try and let go of the troubling past. Accept as best you can what has happened to your mum, recognise it will impact on your thoughts and feelings, that is normal. There are no right or wrong responses, in the initial upsetting period. Have you someone you can talk to? You have found this site, where people are wonderfully supportive, will not judge you, have a vast supply of knowledge and experience. Please keep posting no matter what the reason. You may feel alone but you do not have to stay alone. Asking questions here early on helped far more than any other information source. Remember not medical professionals, just other carers who have various levels of knowledge and experience, helping each other.
best wishes
