Feeling sorry for me!

[ceroc46]

Morning all!

I'm sitting on the side of mums bed drinking tea and trying to get her to drink hers.Remembering how I used to do the same when I was a teenager after a night out,I'd come in,make tea,sit on the bed and tell them all about my night. Now she doesn't know me or remember anything we used to do. Just lies in bed,making those noises,sometimes having accidents,won't let the carers get her ready for bed.

When I read all of your posts, I feel guilty; you all seem to be carrying the burden without complaint,whereas I feel resentful every day. My children are 13,16,19 and 22. I want to spend time with them while they still want to. Go for a day out without clock watching, if its a day centre day. Stay in bed for another half hour instead if waiting for the carer. I want more patience and understanding,I'm always at the end of my tether. I want mum to know who I am and that I haven't abandoned her,have a laugh and joke like we used to.

I pray non-stop but don't think anyone is listening. Karma will bite me on the bum one day!

Why do people always ask how the cared for are? No-one ever asks carers how they are.

Sorry for rambling, there's no one else to off load on. Just finding this role very difficult.

I want my mum.


,

 

[1954]

Ceroc46

I am so sorry you are in this dreadful situation. There are no winners are there?

You are right no one cares for the carers but WE do! You are doing a marvellous job and I hope your children understand what is going on for you and your mum

Patience and understanding are very hard to come by in this situation

Please keep posting and TRY to look after yourself

We do care for you. We care very much indeed xxx

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Oh my goodness, I've had my fair share of complaining. No saint here.
It's quite normal to feel resentful, I do too, many times. Dad had just gone into a CH a week ago. Prior to that he was home with Mum and I live 10 mins away. Mum and I would be mental by now if we did it all alone.
I often felt that I was waiting for my last child to leave school and my husband and I could move closer to the city or go on some trips but my youngest has been working for 2 years and we are still in the same place, no holidays. And, even if Mum was on her own I couldn't move away because she can't drive and relies on me for all that. She's nearly 82 and can't catch buses any more. So even a non-dementia parent can be a restriction.
Your children are young, it's ok to have these feelings, we all do. And, despite these feelings, we are still in a constant state of grief over the loss of the person for whom we care. It's a minefield of emotion that's bound to go off sometimes.
Be kind to yourself, and know that everybody here is wracked with guilt over a million things, and have feelings just like you.
Stephanie, xxx

 

[Jessbow]

I did the very same yesterday! Really resented having to race around, trying to do the shopping and everything else , in the boiling hot sunshine, only to realise that, when I got back, I'd forgotten mums latest UTI anti-B prescription, and had to go back into the town and get that.

Between getting back and racing out again, Mum had soiled, which needed sorting out obviously, so as well as hot tired and stressed, I now had poo to deal with.

I wanted to scream, and really didn't like her very much! I'd bumped into a friend, ''shall we have a coffee and a natter'' she said. ''Sorry I don't have time, got to get back for Mum.....''

We could so easily end up really REALLY resenting them, but somehow we don't, we hang on in there.

It must be hard with youngsters. If its any consolation, I grew up with My parents caring for both their elderly mothers. I must admit I did resent it at the time, they took up so much time, But looking back now I can see why they did it, and admire them for doing so, which I guess is another reason I struggle on. Only thing is,I don't have children to do it for me when my time comes.

Don't beat yourself up. Thinking of you .x

 

[Noorza]

Please don't judge yourself, you have your hands full, none of us are saints, I am sure none of us get through this without feeling hurt and resentful at times. My son has already told me that he will not care for me as I have for Mum when I get older and I've told him not to waste his life on me if I get like his Nan.

It is relentless and thankless but you are still there, still doing, that makes you a fantastic child when it would be so much easier to walk away. You haven't so please don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Nanak]

Morning all!

I'm sitting on the side of mums bed drinking tea and trying to get her to drink hers.Remembering how I used to do the same when I was a teenager after a night out,I'd come in,make tea,sit on the bed and tell them all about my night. Now she doesn't know me or remember anything we used to do. Just lies in bed,making those noises,sometimes having accidents,won't let the carers get her ready for bed.

When I read all of your posts, I feel guilty; you all seem to be carrying the burden without complaint,whereas I feel resentful every day. My children are 13,16,19 and 22. I want to spend time with them while they still want to. Go for a day out without clock watching, if its a day centre day. Stay in bed for another half hour instead if waiting for the carer. I want more patience and understanding,I'm always at the end of my tether. I want mum to know who I am and that I haven't abandoned her,have a laugh and joke like we used to.

I pray non-stop but don't think anyone is listening. Karma will bite me on the bum one day!

Why do people always ask how the cared for are? No-one ever asks carers how they are.

Sorry for rambling, there's no one else to off load on. Just finding this role very difficult.

I want my mum.


,

Hi
Would it be possible to organise respite for a week or two for you to recharge your batteries so to speak?
I'm not sure how these things work in UK but I know someone on here will be able to point you in the right direction.
It would be very hard, and you do need to look after yourself too
Thinking of you
Nanak (Kim)

 

[JulieMulder]

juliemulder

Morning all!


what u are going through. But I just went on a holiday to south Africa and I did not want to go as it was to hard. But I did I got mums meals ready and a list of what was expected for her each day. mum has had Alzheimer's officially for 5 yrs no medication so far. But the thing South Africa the country taught me was take things as they are. South African's walk every where. I asked some one what do they do when it rains, they said they just keep going. that comment changed my life, l have a mother at home with Alzheimer's and it is so frustrating and I think I cannot do this,
my mother lives with my husband and my self, but do you know what, I can do this because they cannot change there life, but I can change my thinking and attitude. and that's what I have done and do know what, I can do this now I just had to change my brain, and when life gets hard I just said this is chobie, what I really mean life is how is , and l can except it. do it you cannot change it so go with the flow.

I'm

 

[Carara]

ceroc46,
Your only human

I am certain that Every single one of us on TP have complained exactley the same as you at some point
I know I have
I thought I was going round the twist
Hate having to sort things for carers before they even get here,,stuck in the house for what seems like a decade,changing Mil 24,00000 times a day (only kidding but it seems like that) list is endless

But you do get through it
I have openly said I will never do this again,it is so darn difficult
Especially when your the main carer and the person being cared for hates you

You Take Care x x x

 

[ceroc46]

Thank you all for your lovely comments and encouragement.

We are great, aren't we!

I'm laughing now, but in a manic way.......in our wisdom we thought we'd have an extension built. The diggers have arrived to start today.

At least there will be a selection of different sized holes to jump in

 

[Jeannie960]

Can't help the way I feel

In the past while I've gotten to be so resentful of my mum and I feel so guilty. I just want her out of my house so that I can get back to living a life. She's turned into this nasty little minded person who seems to know when to turn on the charm and fool others into thinking she's ok She and my late dad raised 7 children and when it came time for someone to step up to the plate you never saw the rest for dust and there are reasons for that. One being mum always was a little spoiled to a degree, age has made her demanding and dementia has been a revealation... hence the reason all my siblings chose to head for the hills!

Now it's down to me and I have so many worries of my own both with my health and finances. My husband is retired and god knows what I would do without him. He gets a small pension and I get carers benefit.........I left a good job to care for mum. According to the benefits people we have enough to live on. They don't care if you have a mortgage.....it was even suggested to me that perhaps I could speak to the bank and get my mortgage deferred or over a longer period! I've worked since I was 15 years of age and there's no help for me and now I have to worry whether I will have to sell my house!

All of this and dealing with mum is really taking it's toll I have a weekend respite booked for the first time in a fortnight and I think she's playing up now because she doesn't want to go. I swear to god I wish I could just leave her there!

Sorry for the rant but I'm at my wits end

 

[Bumblegirl]

Hi Jeannie,

I know now you feel. My parents are both foreign and as soon as we could read and write, we have been expected to do everything for them. Mum is now in hospital and dad is acting totally pathetic expecting me to step in and fill the void.

I have been so vile to him as I am just so fed up. Mum is in hosp awaiting a care home place. The best thing we ever did was move her from the house as her and dad were at each others throats constantly (he used to argue with her instead of walking away).

My dad remains a problem but having mum looked after is such a relief. Perhaps you need to think about a permanent residential home. Leave her in respite for longer than the couple of days - look after yourself. You're mportant too.
BG

 

[Jeannie960]

Hi Jeannie,

I know now you feel. My parents are both foreign and as soon as we could read and write, we have been expected to do everything for them. Mum is now in hospital and dad is acting totally pathetic expecting me to step in and fill the void.

I have been so vile to him as I am just so fed up. Mum is in hosp awaiting a care home place. The best thing we ever did was move her from the house as her and dad were at each others throats constantly (he used to argue with her instead of walking away).

My dad remains a problem but having mum looked after is such a relief. Perhaps you need to think about a permanent residential home. Leave her in respite for longer than the couple of days - look after yourself. You're mportant too.
BG

Thanks Bumble I really just needed to have a blowout and it's a long time coming. I think it's worse because I'm stuck with her 24/7 For all the grief she causes me I still love her very much but right now I really don't like her. She was cleared for suitability for a day centre and they've told me that the waiting list to get in is as long as a ball of string I was also told that they will do everything to keep her at home even if it means sending help in. It's not so much the physical problems.....as an ex nurse I can deal with them. By and large she still remains a little independent in that she can dress herself ....although I have to supervise for the times she's worse than others. I can handle the activities of daily living thing.

It's more the emotional thing I can't handle. She's never really been able to relate to me because I had a career and didn't have children ( not a personal choice) and she told me she feels that she doesn't know me I phoned her morning and night every day for years before she came to live with me. I took her on day trips on my own just to get her out of her house. If anyone is closer I don't know. I know it's the dementia talking but she gets a bit nasty with it. I found myself answering her back She says things like we're using all her money which we wouldn't ever do but I'm afraid she will say such things to other people who don't know us In all honesty I've begun to resent her and I never really saw that coming as we had got on well enough for me to open my home to her. I thank god for message boards like this where you can just come on and let it rip

 

[ceroc46]

Jeannie,

Alot of what you say could be me talking. I never in a million years thought I would feel the way I do towards Mum, we were also very close; I kept an eye on her/looked out for her since Dad died in 1998; in fact I probably could've been classed as a carer from a distance.

I really don't know what to do to change the way I feel, as I know our situation could be a lot worse.

 

[Jeannie960]

Yes Ceroc it could be a lot worse I know that too But I sometimes wonder how I will cope when it gets to that point which it will.

The lady that said earlier that it's better to try to go with the flow probably has it right. If I can learn to let what she says wash over me and ignore it......after all this isn't the mother I know talking. then perhaps I will be able to cope. I've been a carer since I could learn to walk and talk and like you when my dad died I took it upon myself to look out for mum. I knew the day was going to come she would need to live with me but I never realised how hard it would be. Up until the dementia started to show it was no hardship and I enjoyed spending so much time with her. It's not easy for any of us and bless her heart it must be scary in her more lucid moments that she's said or done something she can't explain.

Lets get our chins off the floor we can do this. If the load gets too heavy I'm going to ask for more help. Someone said you're entitled to 6 weeks respite care a year and I'm going to set about using that. My problem is I have let it go on too long and I now see that I need to take the breaks.

 

[nerak]

You feel sorry for yourself??

I feel sorry for you

I feel sorry for me

I feel sorry for my family(kind of)

I feel sorry for everyone on this site

I feel sorry for everyone with this

I feel sorry for nurses,docs,carers

I feel sorry for people who dont care

I feel sorry for people who dont understand this

I feel sorry for my cat who dosnt know why im so stressed!!!!!!!!

We dont get much from this so we are allowed feel sorry for ourselves!!