1. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,686
    Female
    Dundee
    Goodness Margaret, what a time you're having! You must be feeling bad - think you referred to 2Jays as sensible!:D;);)

    Seriously that neighbour was well out of order. I hope things settle down for you all and you get a little peace.

    Take care.
     
  2. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    Beginning to feel better about the whole thing now.

    Neighbor avoiding me and avoiding talking to Himself but is replying to his text messages. Sounds like everything in her life is some sort of drama. Wondering if she's heading for some sort of a breakdown.

    MIL same as ever, no lasting effects from her experience on Thursday!

    Takes me time to kinda process things like this in my head and it so helps to be able to come here and share. Thank you all again for being here, very special :):)
     
  3. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    So invaluable to be able to "get things/thoughts off your chest" on here isn't it.

    For you it was [not polite word] neighbour.... For me, my wobbly, was keys....

    We are doing good kid. Real good despite.....

    xxxxxxxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  4. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    I think we/I forget that 2jays. I very rarely pat myself on the back for doing such a good job. The negative "stuff" takes over and I dig myself a pit that needs others to show me the way out.

    Thank you and everyone else for helping me see that the pit isn't as deep as my imagination says it is!

    We are doing really good, all of us, struggling with this foul disease.
     
  5. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,995
    UK
    Are you sure your neighbour doesn't have cognitive impairment? Perhaps she thinks she told you, and you telling her she didn't is scaring her as something like this has happened before.
     
  6. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,686
    Female
    Dundee
    Hope you have a peaceful evening Margaret. x
     
  7. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    You never know Onlyme :eek::D:eek:

    Peaceful evening, MIL as usual, quite agitated and wouldn't settle until I put her to bed.

    Neighbor/friend not been in touch, wonder how long, if ever, it will take before she comes round.

    Himself off to London so I'm on my own til Wednesday night. Hope MIL behaves :D:eek::D. At least she's out for the day on Tuesday at daycare.
     
  8. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    Well, so called "friend"/neighbor has been over a few times but hadn't spoken about what happened.

    I have been looking for a time to go and talk to her about the "elephant" in the room which has been brushed under the carpet. Every time I went round there she was out or had visitors, until yesterday.

    I can't really believe that having talked it through and explaining things from my point of view she still didn't apologise for her behaviour.

    It appears that as well as abusing MIL I have become a nasty person who is no fun anymore :eek: She really doesn't "get" dementia and during our conversation she mentioned that MIL reminds her of her Grandmother (who didn't have dementia) but she thinks that MIL doesn't get the best care living with us because we don't make it all better for MIL and jump to her every whim.

    Oh and because I don't worry about MIL's appearance if she's only going to be at home ( different socks on, cardigan or blouse done up wrong or even inside out, then I'm not maintaining her dignity :eek:

    She did say that if that ever happened again she'd probably report us!! Told her to go ahead, SW and CPN both reckon MIL very lucky and getting excellent care and they are the experts. She still refusing to believe even the experts!!

    Thought I'd feel better when I'd spoken to her but didn't sleep well last night with her words going round in my head. I'm very confident that she hasn't the first clue about dementia.

    What I'm not so sure about is her accusation that I've become a different person over the past couple of months. I think she maybe right as we've been struggling with MIL's constant aggitation which would try the patience of a saint, not a good combination as a companion for chronic pain and fatigue.

    Really questioning our "friendship" here and beginning to think that she's not the friend I thought she was. Unlike my other friends, I'm beginning to see that she's a fair weather friend, a taker rather than a giver. Not sure I have room or the energy in my life for that kind of friendship and feeling sad about that.
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,696
    Kent
    As if you haven`t enough on your plate Margaret without know all `friends` putting their oar in.

    I don`t often show anger but these people who know better than we do and think they can pass judgement are like a red rag to a bull. They are only observers. They have no idea.

    I`ve experienced how these disagreements play on our minds. There`s no point my telling you to forget it because it hurts, and I`m sure it will have affected the feelings you have to your neighbour.

    It seems she has shown her true colours.
     
  10. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    This friend sounds very much as you describe or as we would call an 'energy vampire' (saps everything out of you for their own benefit) .
    You are bound to change , my mum has in that she is more stressed, more to think about, more to deal with.
    This friend needs more things going on in her life rather than busy-bodying into yours and mils.
    X
     
  11. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,598
    West Midlands
    Sadly I think she is right in everything she says...... Sorry she THINKS she's right..... As she seems to be a narrow minded [lots of nasty and libellous names] person...

    I knew someone once.... so painfully sad when I realised this someone wasn't the good friend I thought they were xxx

    I am an evil person, you on the other hand are not, so I doubt you will do as I did..... I started by switching off from them, just using them for my benefit, not helping them if I could possibly avoid it ..... basically became two faced with this someone, and now I only know someone, who is not a good friend anymore and strangely we only have rare contact now...... it still hurts xx

    Went to see mum yesterday to take her new hearing aid to her. There she was, happily playing with a fiddle cushion, in mix matched clothes, no shoes and a huge smile on her face. She was very content.....

    Until I arrived....

    I upset her because I started "fussing" about un-important things like no shoes, mix matched clothes...

    I forgot for a moment that some things are not important. It's very rare now that I see her dressed as she was yesterday so why did I "fuss" over one day......

    I know why I fussed and it was nothing to do with the care mum was getting, it was about something completely unrelated, but I think I used fussing as a way of getting control over the other thing.... :(




    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  12. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,493
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I know where you're coming from J. You're concentrating on the things you can control - even if only for the minute - because you can't control the things you want to.
    I think we all do it when in stressful situations.
    The smile on your mother's face must have been worth seeing her dressed in rags if necessary I would say. As long as they were her own rags of course! :)

    Talking of stressful situations, Margaret, I can imagine the conversation with your neighbour going round and round your head afterwards. I'm betting you were thinking of things you wished you'd said too. The trouble is the other person never plays fair and responds in the way you think, do they!

    Fair weather friend? Yes, I've lost one of those too, just after Dave's amputation, when I could have done with all the support I could get. Very much a taker not a giver - in fact I can't recall a single thing she ever did for me yet I did so much for her simply because it's what you do for a friend.
    However, although she lives in our village, at least she doesn't live next door to me! So there's no way you can avoid seeing your neighbour so it will be harder for you to put her behind you. She will no doubt be on the look out for your dastardly neglect of your MIL too! I hope you told her she was welcome to report you!

    As for not being as much fun - well, words fail me!
    Yes, living with a MIL with dementia is a laugh a minute I must say!
    Exhaustion, stress, irritation, having to be on call, they don't have any impact on your life, do they?!
    Life, even when you have one isn't all, fun anyway!
    You're fun enough for us at Launde anyway!
    Does this person have many friends?
    xxx
     
  13. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,949
    I very much doubt that you are a different person. My best friend's mum is dying and she is unpredictable, moody and difficult to be around, she is suffering enormously. How would it be if I told her she was being awkward? I would deserve shooting.
    It is outrageous to tell you that you are no fun any more - what she should be doing is bringing round a nice bottle of wine and ordering a take away and spending an evening with you and MIL. That is friendship.
    I;m sure you don't need telling by me that you are doing a fantastic wonderful thing for your MIL, but just in case you need to hear it, there you are.
     
  14. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    2jays, I think having the knowledge of why we do things helps us realise that we're only human but I think the key is recognising what "stuff" belongs to us and what belongs to other people if you get what I mean. We can only ever change ourselves not others.

    I think that is a big key for me. I can't change neighbors attitude so I need to decide if I have the energy to have her in my life in the same way as she was. I think not!

    She doesn't live next door Saffie. We have a large paddock, almost an acre and she backs on to the paddock. So I don't have to see her except if I go round there or she comes here. Hopefully she won't come so often now :D:eek::D
     
  15. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    I've a feeling she needs you more than you need her Margaret x
     
  16. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    332
    rct
    Hi!

    I'm my dad's carer and have been for passed few years he has dlb.
    I've been reading all the posts with interest and the thing you've hilighted is what everyone should know is care and love comes in different formats. A blouse buttoned up wrong or odd socks on the scale of things only shows that you understand that person and are respecting them.

    Until people really understand that every minute of every day is a risk assessment and every person that has dementia is different. No different guidelines for every single person...

    In relation to neighbours that are seeing but not inderstanding...
    Don't they think that we think caring for someone with dementia means on occasions we have to allow the dementia to reduce our loved ones to times when they're frantic upset can't understand..that would happen if we were there or not.

    There's always a time where we re questioning when or how we go about our business.. its always best case cenario. .We don't always get it right but I don't believe there is a right and wrong really only the best that we can do. If friends had any experience of caring for someone with dementia they'd experience that...

    You can pretty much guarantee that even if reported to S's etc they d respond and if your so called friends need to do that to satisfy their emotional needs then let them. Its the only way they will learn anything about dementia. They've seen a situation you see most days deal with 24hrs a day..We know what they saw, felt and communicated with was probably upsetting them..but hey welcome to your world!!!

    I've got no magic words of wisdom...
    Or any more suggestions than you've already been given by the amazing tp' ers ... .just to send best wishes
     
  17. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    Think you're so right Kjn :D

    Thanks for your words and Best Wishes henfenywfach. Isn't TP just the most perfick place for us all to learn and get support :D:D
     
  18. Chaucer 1931

    Chaucer 1931 Registered User

    Mar 30, 2014
    226
    Oh Margaret (((hugs)))

    I think your neighbour is overreacting and doesn't sound like much of a proper friend to be honest-again another dementia unfriendly busybody sticking their beak in,I think it's sour grapes and more to do with the fact that she was expecting you to look after her dogs from the sounds of things..

    You are entitled to nip out for five or to do an errand,whilst mil is sleeping,it isn't a crime and those that take that point of view,well they simply haven't experienced living with it themselves..
    I couldn't just read and not reply,because it resonated with me,
    X


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  19. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    2,734
    South
    When my dad was looking after mum at home he used to pop out for an hour or two after making sure she was ok, had drink and food and the telly on. She was immobile and he wouldn't leave her for long but for his own sanity he would go down the pub for a pint.

    Dad had invited his next door neighbour to Bowls with him because the neighbour's wife had died a few months before - and was surprised that the man didn't offer to take dad and went separately in his own car each week (and barely talked to him there). He didn't even knock on the door to ask if dad was coming each time.

    Anyway, I went along to the bowls after dad had died to present a memorial cup in dad's name and the other members of the group told me that the next door neighbour had complained about dad, saying that he would never have left his wife alone like that. It really upset me and I know dad would never have put her in any danger, he went out of his way to ensure she was well looked after. I haven't gone back to play bowls with my auntie because I'm still annoyed about it.

    Sorry it's a long story but I guess it is quite similar in the sense that the neighbour had lived next door for more than 40 years and had no understanding of dad's predicament.

    The other next door neighbour told me after dad had died that she never ever liked my mum! My auntie (mum's younger sister) also had nothing to do with mum after dad died - her reason was "all she ever did was cause aggro to people". It is interesting how people react unexpectedly when the dynamics of a relationship change.

    I do hope things settle down but I'm not sure you will miss that kind of 'friendship' now you know her feelings.
     
  20. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Hi Margaret

    I am sorry that your neighbour is behaving unreasonably. As others have said, it shows she has no understanding of dementia and your situation.

    I am sure MIL receives the best of care, and how important is it of buttons aren't done up right? Especially if MIL has done it for herself. I know Roger used to hate me redoing everything he had done for himself.

    I find you fun at LA, and let's face it looking after someone with dementia isn't a laugh a minute. Perhaps she should try it!

    My advice would be to get on with your life, in your way, and let her get on with hers. You really don't need the criticism from her.

    Maybe she is someone to feel sorry for with her total lack of understanding of something that has nothing to do with her.

    J xx
     

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