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Feeling so guilty

Fifon

Registered User
Aug 8, 2015
23
My OH with Alzheimer's was eventually admitted to hospital under section 2 at end of January, as I was finding it impossible to cope. I was suffering acute sciatica at the time which I feel contributed to it. He has now been sectioned under section 3 as hospital are still trying to 'cure' his challenging behaviour. Today when I visited he was again asleep, he has got swollen legs and feet (didn't have these when he went in) and when my friend and I tried to wake him and help him sit up he was holding his head and almost crying out with pain when we tried to move him. He had been found on the floor at 2am a few days previously though hadn't hurt himself and he seems to be turning his nights into days and vice versa. Eventually he did sit up, shuffled off to the toilet, and then sat and had coffee and a Mars bar with us. Hardly any conversation, eye contact etc. I feel now that I betrayed him and seeing him like he is it must seem to him to be his worst nightmare come true. Friends and family say I did the right thing but sitting at home alone it feels that I let him go too easily and should have been stronger. How have others coped with this?
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,115
Scotland
If he was sectioned then he needed to go into care at that point. Don't imagine that you have been weak and everyone else is coping fine. At best we are all hanging on in there wondering how long we can keep going. Your back pain was probably a step too far for you to cope and we all understand how that goes. Getting through the day with dementia is a tall order at the best of times.

Give the situation time to settle and meantime think more about your own life and what you could do with it.
 

lin1

Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
9,319
East Kent
Hello Fifon.
Please listen to your family in this as they are right. You have not let your OH down nor were you weak in any way !!!. The truth of the matter is, they do not section people without very good reason especially a section 3.

The crisis came and you, like most loving caring people are blaming yourself for not being super human. I'm betting you have been trying to cope with far to much for too long.
I wish I could kick that guilt monster off your shoulder to stop it whispering things in your ear that it has no right to be saying to you.

It can take time for them to sort the right medications out that will best help your OH.

xxxx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,510
Kent
Hello Fifon

If your husband is being treated with medication in order to modify his challenging behaviour the swollen legs and feet could be side effects of the drugs and I`m sure the medics will be well aware of it.

When my husband showed signs of a big deterioration when in an assessment unit, a fellow TPer asked me to consider if his condition had deteriorated because he was in residential care or was he in residential care because his condition had deteriorated .

Your husband was not sectioned for fun. He was sectioned for a reason and there is no way you could have prevented this. Even so I know how upsetting it is but it is not your fault.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
Hi Fifon, and I'm so sorry that you're going through such a lousy time. I haven't ever read on TP that a carer skipped happily away, after their decision for their other half to have permanent care - I certainly didn't.

We all try/tried to do our best, under circumstances that folk in the Ordinary World, where they are not caring for someone with AD, could never imagine. We all feel/felt guilty, though there is no earthly reason why we should, but that's the way it is.

As others have said, most people are hanging on by a thread, and not coping beautifully, because none of us ever envisaged how challenging things would be, caring for someone with AD. Especially when most of us are hardly Spring Chickens ourselves. xxx
 

Fifon

Registered User
Aug 8, 2015
23
Thankyou

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. It's a beautiful morning today and with things to do to exercise my mind that will also help. I guess time will be the healer. Meantime it's good to know others have walked or are walking the same road, who one can share with. Again, thanks.
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,806
Ireland
My OH with Alzheimer's was eventually admitted to hospital under section 2 at end of January, as I was finding it impossible to cope. I was suffering acute sciatica at the time which I feel contributed to it. He has now been sectioned under section 3 as hospital are still trying to 'cure' his challenging behaviour. Today when I visited he was again asleep, he has got swollen legs and feet (didn't have these when he went in) and when my friend and I tried to wake him and help him sit up he was holding his head and almost crying out with pain when we tried to move him. He had been found on the floor at 2am a few days previously though hadn't hurt himself and he seems to be turning his nights into days and vice versa. Eventually he did sit up, shuffled off to the toilet, and then sat and had coffee and a Mars bar with us. Hardly any conversation, eye contact etc. I feel now that I betrayed him and seeing him like he is it must seem to him to be his worst nightmare come true. Friends and family say I did the right thing but sitting at home alone it feels that I let him go too easily and should have been stronger. How have others coped with this?
Please, please try Not to feel quilty. It is difficult, so difficult. You have NOT betrayed him. Wish I could give you a drink of your choice right now.

I believe only carers really know the heartache and it is awful.

Can you see stars tonight? If you can, please go to your door now, look at the stars... The lights around them are blessings that I am sending to you and peace to your mind.

Know that you are doing your best.

Try please to take care of yourself.

Aisling xxxxxxx