Feeling So Guilty

[Carolann]

Hi, It will be a year on 4th February when my Mum went into a Care Home. My Dad died on the 4th March and my Mum died on 21st October. I thought I had coped pretty well with the usual amount of tears etc, but much better than I thought I would. Then a couple of days ago it hit me Wham! Bang! totally unexpected. I feel so guilty about letting Mum go into a Care Home, she never settled, she always wanted to come home and told us that she knew that none of the family cared for her. I keep thinking of her waving to us when we used to leave and she would always be crying - we did visit every day. I know deep down we could not keep her at home as she was a danger to herself but if I had known that she would only be in the home from the February to the October I could have probably looked after - we had looked after Mum at home for 3 years but it just got too hard getting up many, many times during the night with her making sure she was safe, checking she was clean, locking her in just to go to the shop 5 minutes away, making sure she could not turn the gas on, then looking after my family and trying to hold a part time job etc. etc.
Looking back I can honestly say I don't know how I got through those 3 years with both Mum and Dad ill. I know many people have spent more than 3 years caring and my heart goes out to them.
I have just cried and cried the last couple of days, I hope you don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself. I just feel that I let Mum down so very badly and I feel terrible.
Take care
Carolann

 

[alex]

Hiya Carolann

Honey.........my heart goes out to you..............of course your not feeling sorry for yourself!........and if you were, you'd be entitled to.............upto now, you've handled everything brilliantly...........and its o.k. to fall apart sometimes........we all do, it just creeps up on you..........and its usually when your at your lowest.

Its o.k. to feel guilty, we all do that too...........did we do enough?..........did we do too little?........what if?

From where i'm standing..........you done everything you could.........its not an easy task to give so much and still look after others and hold down a job as well...........so please honey..............take some time out for you...........you've been through a lot and you need time to adjust..............there will be days when its easier and days when its really tough..............but the tough days become less with each month................you done the best you could............and i'm sure if you look deep inside yourself...........you know that your mum and dad know that too!

Sending you a hug
Love Alex x

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Carolann
You can try to cope for so long, or pretend you are coping, and the grief hits you betwwen the eyes when you least expect it. Go with it , allow yourself to grieve as you obviously need to. You don`t have to be `brave` it`s not necessary.

But leave the guilt alone. In your heart of hearts, I`m sure you know, deep down inside yourself, that you couldn`t have done any more than you did. I have never seen a happy Alzheimers or Dementia sufferer. It wasn`t you who made your mother so unhappy, it was this dreadful condition.

You did not let her down. Mourn her passing, but with peace of mind.

Love Sylvia x

 

[Skye]

I just feel that I let Mum down so very badly and I feel terrible.

Hi Carolann

You didn't let your Mum down. You looked after her and your Dad for as long as you were able. But you had your own family to consider, as well as holding down a job. You can't do all that when you're not getting your sleep.

You say your Mum was unhappy in the NH, but she would have been just as unhappy if she had been at home. You could't possibly be with her 24/7, and that's what she would have wanted.

You did everything you could by visiting her every day.

You're grieving just now, and that's normal. Anniveraries are the worst time. I'm sure you've read the thread where others have written about their suffering.

Just go with the flow, be extra kind to yourself, and don't on any account feel guilty.

Love,

 

[jasperty]

Hi Caroline

I know how you feel, but we are not saints and if we think back our parents would not expect it of us, although we feel we should do more. I know that I would not expect my children to have to cope with dementia and have told them so. I am 60 this year and my mom has just gone 84, she has been in a home since Mid. November, I had to make the decision and it was very hard, but I could not cope and at least I know she is being looked after, and has 24 hour care.

We all feel guilty, but can only do what we think is best.



Love Pat

 

[Carolann]

Thank you all so much for taking time to reply. I feel better today, I think yesterday was a particularly bad day. I was thinking so much about Mum and Dad and I was also waiting for the results of an MRI Scan for a problem with my ear, but today I had my appointment letter to go back and see my consultant in 6 months time so it does not seem that the scan showed anything nasty - so I am feeling relieved.
I have also been thinking more logically today and I know deep down I did as much as I possibly could for Mum and Dad and that is a great comfort. Its this horrible, cruel disease which changes people so much, and causes so much anxiety and stress in both sufferers and carers.
Once again thank you for your replies - Alex I am so pleased you are OK.
Take Care,
Carolann

 

[Skye]

Thank you all so much for taking time to reply. I feel better today, I think yesterday was a particularly bad day. I was thinking so much about Mum and Dad and I was also waiting for the results of an MRI Scan for a problem with my ear, but today I had my appointment letter to go back and see my consultant in 6 months time so it does not seem that the scan showed anything nasty - so I am feeling relieved.

Hi Carolann

Glad to hear you're feeling more positive. No wonder you were feeling low, wondering about your scan. I'm so glad it's nothing serious.

You'll get these mood-swings for a long time, though, and as I said, anniversaries are the worst. Just try to go with the flow, and post here whenever you feel bad. We all have days like that!

Love,