Feeling so annoyed with myself

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by LynneMcV, Sep 6, 2015.

  1. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    south-east London
    I feel so annoyed with myself this weekend, I have struggled to be patient but have found myself really having to bite my tongue and have come very close to snapping at my husband more than once.

    I say I have come close to it but in reality I know I might as well have snapped because the tone in my voice said it all anyway.

    The crime? Absolutely nothing my poor husband can help. Just a few days ago I registered him for 1 day per week at a nearby day centre. I confidently ticked the boxes to say he needed no help with adjusting his clothing when going to the toilet, that he needed no help, nobody to wait outside the loo door etc.

    Just 24 hrs later it was a whole new story. My husband seemed to have lost basic understanding of how to undo and do up his trousers, and was struggling with his belt. Not to worry I told myself, we'll swap to the elasticated waist trousers I had ready for such an occasion.

    He was happy with that, but another 24 hrs passed and suddenly he was lost and totally confused about the new trousers and what to do (although elasticated, they have fly and button just like his normal trousers, the only thing missing was a belt - but this seemed to totally throw him).

    After almost day of him constantly worrying out loud about what to do in order to go to the loo and fiddling with his trousers, I had swapped him back to his usual trousers and belt by yesterday evening. He was happy as could be, off to the loo, no need for help with anything. Perfect!

    Great, I thought, we'll put the elasticated waist trousers away again until needed.

    This morning I left his trousers and belt out as normal and he dressed himself with no help. Big sigh of relief! But come the time he wanted to go to the loo, he had no idea how to undo the trousers and belt again! Then, after I'd helped him with that, he had no idea how to do his trousers up again, even though he'd got himself dressed less than an hour before.

    He has been going on and on about his trousers all day, and asking what to do when he goes to the loo. He even started undoing his flies and belt in the front room multiple times to check that he could - and not very successfully.

    I don't dare change him back to the elasticated trousers right now, the constant switching back and forth will just confuse him more.

    I have no idea why I am so uptight about this change though. It's nothing he can control. I just feel stupid that I've filled in forms that say he is ok to do these things himself and now, when he attends the day centre for the first time in Thursday, I'm going to have to change it all.

    Logic tells me that they'll understand how quickly things can change with dementia, but I still feel embarrassed that I have given information that makes it look like I don't have a clue about what he can or can't do. I am also now worried that he'll start undoing his flies at the day centre and end up being barred before he's barely started.

    I'm just so worried - I really want the day centre to work out for both our sakes.

    I hate myself for the tone I have used this weekend - I love him so much and hate to see what is happening to him. I should have been so much more supportive rather than worring more about what others will think of him.

    To add to the situation, my husband has a Memory Clinic appointment tomorrow. He hasn't been for a year, and I know that his abilities have declined greatly this year, not least in the past few days.

    Previously we've been able to point to UTIs as the cause, but that's not the case this time.

    I guess I just don't want to admit this decline is happening but I know that neither sniping nor burying my head in the sand will change anything.
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Hi Lynne
    The toilet one is a complete pain in the bum, but it seems to be quite common. I have to take my wife to the toilet and point at the toilet, make sure her clothes go down beyond the knee then back up again after. Like you this weekend hasn't been the best in that respect a couple of unfortunate incidents, it's enough to test the patience of a saint and I'm not one but I do try and remain clam about it.
    I'd see how it goes with the day care, sometimes they can perform better in a different environment sometime not but you could always explain it away as that he's not at home and it's made it more confusing for him, disorientated or whatever I wouldn't cancel it give it a go you deserve the break.
  3. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    Lynne, I'm sure the day centre will be aware of the fact that events/situations change from one moment to the next with this illness, so don't worry that they'll be thinking anything bad about you because of the way you originally answered questions.
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Oh the problem with trousers just will not go away will it.

    My husband never wore anything other than proper trousers with belt loops and a fly fastening and when I tried to introduce track suit bottoms with elasticated waists, even though they were quite smart, plain with no stripes or logos, they were rejected immediately.

    The problem was controlling them once the fly was unzipped and the belt unfastened.

    I bought yards of 8 cord elastic and threaded it through the loops, hoping at least to do away with the belt but he didn`t like that either.

    I wish you luck Lynne. It will right itself eventually but meanwhile the upset is unbelievable.
  5. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    It sounds like a very wearing weekend Lynne, and you've tried so hard to make it right for your husband. I so hope you will be able to be easy on yourself. We all get snappy sometimes, and if we don't then I think a longsuffering saintliness might even be worse. If /when it happens to me, I try to think, well it's just real life. I used to get cross with my OH before he got ill. I know it's not fair when it's not something he can control, but I think he realises that it's only momentary and I do love him!
    Hope all goes well at the Day Centre.
  6. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013

    I really feel for you. My husband can't put a pair of shoes on and it takes forever sometimes to get out with him in a pair of matching shoes.! I personally would stick to the trousers with elastic waist. To change from one kind to another is not helpful for either of you. Also if he is caught short because he is fiddling to undo his trousers it should be quicker for you to help him. I also encourage my husband to sit down to pee as it seems to go everywhere nowadays. Wish you all the best and hope day centre works out really well. x
  7. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    So sorry to read your post having been there in the past. Just have a quiet word with the carers at the centre or, if they collect him, as they did with Fred, alert them to the changes. They will take it from there. It won't be the first or last time they will have experienced this. I know what you mean about tone of voice. I'm sure we have all been there too but don't be hard on yourself. You are only human and trying to cope with what is probably the most heartbreaking thing you will go through in your life. Best wishes. xx
  8. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    south-east London
    Thanks all for your helpful and kind words, I am feeling a little more at peace with the situation today.

    I think part of my issue yesterday was lack of sleep - neighbours held a party which went on until 5am, very loud, live band followed by loud, badly sung karaoke -all outdoors - not even the consideration to move it indoors after a decent hour!

    Anyway, today we've reverted to the elasticated waist trousers and I've replaced the button with velcro. Hubby still needed to be talked through things this morning when he was putting them on, but he seems a lot more at ease with just the velcro to worry about.

    We went to the Memory Clinic today. My lovely husband struggled so much that the mini test was scrapped after just a few questions (he didn't know what year we're in, the month, day of the week, his age, couldn't draw a clock face or repeat three words).

    The consultant confirmed what I already knew - that there has been a very marked decline in his abilities, including speech, since he was assessed a year ago.

    He is of the opinion, like me, that hubby is showing many of the signs he has shown previously when a UTI is building up - and he is going to contact the GP and suggest a long term, low dose antibiotic to help him get back on track.

    I'm not sure how that works, the trend seems to be to encourage doctors not to give antibiotics because over-use will render them useless - so to be on them long term sounds odd, though I know others on here have mentioned this as the way forward for their loved ones.

    Last week when I reported hubby had a UTI as he had blood in his urine, I was told blood in urine did not require antibiotics as it wasn't necessarily caused by bacteria.

    I was also told that the previous urine sample I'd submitted had come back from the lab confirming blood in the urine but no bacteria. I really didn't understand that because hubby stopped having delusions as soon as he was on the antibiotics so there must have been some kind of infection present.

    Oh well, will have to see how GP responds.
  9. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    You need a doctor like I've got, Lynne. Really sorry to read of your misfortune, but never forget, there will be more than one person at a time to help your hubby at the Day Centre if he gets into any difficulties. If he goes; perhaps you could bung a change of clothing in a bag for them to keep in case he needs it?
  10. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    LynneMcV, your post hit a chord! We've been having problems undoing and doing up trousers not to mention him managing to find the necessary item through the hole in his Y fronts. Like grannyG says in her post, my husband only wears 'proper' trousers with belt but the flies seem to be a new problem. It is so hard not to get frustrated and then that tone of voice creeps in. I'm sure, as everyone else has said, that the day centre will be used to dealing with all these sort of things. xxxx

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  11. Mollygoose

    Mollygoose Registered User

    Dec 19, 2014

    Hi there I'm looking after mother who is 89 with dementia ! Don't worry if you shout or you are a bit snappy ! Because within 10mins or less he will have forgotton , it is so frustrating looking after a person with dementia ! And the only way I cope is to make a joke of things that happen ! She is incontienent the number 2 one is worse and she gets upset if she makes a mess ! I just laugh it off ! Change her knickers and pad and clean the toilet ! Endless times a day ! But I just think it won't be forever so I just do it , make sure you make time for yourself and get as much care as you can ! X big hugs from me x a

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