feeling so angry with bob

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by bel, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    i know its unfair he cant help it and for that i feel guilty
    but he is picking at me a lot just lately
    i am by nature soft any dont get cross but lately i am having to stand up to him which is not me

    over the weekend he had a go at me 2 times the first time we were in town and i got cross it calmed him down yesterday he was really nasty and i was tired so i went to bed
    he acted as if things were ok in the morning i was a bit quite he asked was i ok not really when i told him why he said well you get on my nerves telling me the dog needs feed back all the time rubbish so he went to play bowels i carried on later at night sat down to watch tv we usually hold hands i did not he said whats wrong i said the same as this morning he said well thats ok then after an hour i relented grabed his hand to be cont bel x
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    Oh bel, he didn`t remember what was wrong did he.

    I`ve had this for so long with Dhiren....we have a disagreement, I`m upset, we don`t speak for a while, he knows something`s wrong but can`t remember what, then he`s fine and I`m still upset.

    Nothing will stop you getting upset and angry. Even knowing it`s the illness and he can`t help it, won`t stop you being hurt. It`s as if you are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking and it`s very hard to live with.

    You can`t really walk away from him if you are out, but you can if you are at home. Just walk away and leave him to it. He can`t have a go at himself. ;)

    You do so much for him.

    Love xx
     
  3. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    follow up on bel getting angry

    i said come soft sausage lets stop this he said im sorry but you keep saying the same thing every week every day dog needs feed back i got cross and i was really angry
    i said you repeat yourself over and over again it gets on my nerves but i dont shout at you
    it feels like i need to put a zip on my mouth and only say what he wants to hear
    love bel x
     
  4. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Bel,
    You are only human.....and things Bob says will hurt, and at the time it may not be much help telling yourself that it is the dementia. Try not to waste energy feeling guilty....try to let go of your anger as quickly as you can, cos it will only damage you, and maybe Bob will pick up on the tension and it will make his picking on you worse.

    Well done relenting and holding his hand.....you are walking a tough path.....best to have someone to hold hands with.

    Take care.
    Love Helen
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    You and me both, bel. If only we could.
     
  6. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Need to sew my mouth, both lips together

    I know what you mean
    Barb
     
  7. ishard

    ishard Registered User

    Jul 10, 2007
    98
    Its really hard to seperate the person that your loved one was from the person they are now, complete with the illness. Its even harder to know if they are just being nasty or its the illness.

    How I tend to do that is;

    1 When Mum is being nasty, ITS NOT HER.

    2 When Mums being nice, IT IS HER.

    Now you dont have to feel guilty if you act human and shout back.

    It works for me.
     
  8. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    716
    Ashford, Kent
    My Dad is so placid and sweet.

    If ever he gets stressed and loses his temper (which isn't often), I just walk away. That person is not my Dad.

    Last year, before I really realised how confused he gets, I heard him say something really nasty about me. I heard him telling my Mum I had only brought them to live with me to take all their money (the truth is, I am far worse off financially than I ever have been because I mortgaged myself to the hilt to buy a bigger house).

    I went in their room and I really screamed at him, that if that is what he really thought, then I would give them back the money they gave me 5 years ago, and they could go and live elsewhere.:(

    I'm really ashamed of what I did. That is why now, I just have to distinguish what I know would be my Dad's true and real traits, and those comments/habits etc. that are the result of his Dementia.

    Beverley x
     
  9. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Bel,
    Even when we know it is the illness, the hurt goes so deep.
    Peter forgot that I was his wife. When a really lovely Carer came in each day, Peter would be all lovely to her, go out in the car, etc., when she went home, I did not get a word out of him until the next day when she came back.
    I knew it was the illness but boy did it hurt big time.
    Like you I am a very patient person but on these occassional, I lost it:
    1 Thinking I was his ex wife who he divorced for adultery
    2 When he was doubly incontinent, scrubbing carpet and he said I did not do it, to which I lost it and said it b****y well was not me.
     
  10. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    Dear Bel,

    Most of us have been there - shouted our heads off and lost all patience and understanding - we'd be saints if we didn't. Then afterwards we've all worn the same XXX size guilt T shirt! No doubt we will continue in this sea sawing of love, exasperation, despair,and fleeting moments of happiness. My love to you. xxTinaT
     
  11. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    thanks all

    thanks tina
    do guilty t shirts come in all sizes i think we might get a discount if we ordred in bulk
    even though i held bobs hand before we went to bed inside i was still angry its valentines day thursday and we are getting busy plus i have a large funeral order
    bob cant do a lot but he does help when we are busy i wouldnt ask him he carried on building his ship it was going around in my head all the time you say the same thing all the time you get on my nerves if there was a medal for patience and soft ness i would win
    then it was time to take bob to dentist 1 tooth out new bottom dentures fitted closed shop still not really talking when he came out i had to ask was he ok fine
    no emotions from him-- went back to shop while we waited for 4-30 to take grandchildren to see water horse still not talking he went straight to his ship he is building love bel continued
     
  12. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Hello Bel: I have been following your post but finding it hard to say suitable 'things'. It IS so hard - all I do is keep on praying for strength and tolerance. I think it is beginning to work most of the time, but not always.

    If it gets really bad then I think the only thing to do is walk away for awhile, and then recognise that our 'cared for' have far more to tolerate than we do.

    Keep up the good work - you are doing a marvellous job.
    Love Jan
     
  13. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    still very angry

    took more orders for for valentines day
    i said lets go get kids what are we having for tea
    i told him a few times we would take sarnis
    picked kids up lovelly they are a god send

    they loved the film we talked in between
    i had to reach out and hold bobs hand cos i was worried lol and jen would notice nan and grandad are not holding hands
    tonight since we camne home
    i am still cross with him
    but i held his hand and said

    do not take your anger out on me i cant take it
    love bel
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    I`m so sorry bel. I can feel how hurt you are, and it`s very hard to take.

    Love xx
     
  15. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dutuear Bel,
    Before AD Peter forgot wedding aniversary (now why are you not surprised at that) forgot my birthday. Wedd. Ann. being the 21st Dec and birthday 21st Feb. My daughters use to remind putou him but he would still get it round the wrong way.
    As Valentine's Day is coming up - what would Bob have got you ?
    Flowers, chocolates ?
    With Peter with AD I use to buy them myself and say thank you for the lovely flowers. What was funny (I can look back and laugh at it now) because he really did think he had got them for me. If it happened to be a box of my favourite Belgian chocolates, he would open them and sit and each them all to himself.
    So when you put an order in for T Shirts, I will buy one.
    Take care of yourself.
    Very best wishes
    Christine
     
  16. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    thanks again all

    we are friends again thank god we dont normaly fall out after 37 years and a lot of them with this illness comming on
    whats the point
    but i am so grateful to have you all to talk to especialy when it gets bad
    bob helped me as much as he can today in shop
    lots of mistakes but so what
    it is a spark of the old bob he trys his best and bless him first thing this morning he said after giving me a hug its good to have you back
    i said i cant stand you getting nasty with me we will try to sort it out
    he cant help it
    love bel x
     
  17. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    You brought tears to my eyes bel.

    Dhiren used to say he`d missed me, after our `episodes`.
     

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