Feeling sick


Registered User
Apr 16, 2006
I feel sick I am taking Mum to hospital in the morning, she looks dreadful,as I said on my last post her drinking is out of control and she has so many bumps on her head and body from her falls.
They thnk Mum will not agree to stay as she is in total denial and swears she has not had a drink in weeks,!!!! so she will have to be sectioned. This part I am dreading :( I am hoping they will dry her out while I get EPA organised so she can go home again but will not be able to buy any more brandy if I am managing her money.I know Mum will be very angry about this and I dont blame her. She is only 67 this feels so wrong.
My brother thinks she should now go to a care home, he has only been able to visit now and again because he lives further away,the main responsibility for Mum has been mine. I have agreed to go with him to look at some homes,but do not know what to be looking out for or what questions to ask !!have any of you great people got ideas of what to look for

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hi Panda,

Good luck for tomorrow. It will be an ordeal for you and i hope something gets sorted, for your sake as well as your mums`.

If you go visiting NHs, the first thing to be aware of is the smell. If all you smell is deodorant, something is being covered up.

Ask about programmes of activity, outings, and personal key workers/carers.

Look at the dining room, see how it`s set out and if you would like to eat there.

In the longes/sitting rooms, notice if radios and TVs are on, just for the sake of being on, without anyone taking any notice. In one home I visited, there was a radio on in one corner of the sitting room and a TV on in another corner of the same sitting room.

Try to get a feel of the place. Does it feel welcoming, are people chatting, do they sit in small groups or round the walls of the rooms just staring into space.

Is there space in bedrooms for people to take their own bits and pieces.

AS has Factsheets on NHs You should get more information from them.


Let us know how you get on.
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Registered User
Aug 23, 2006
You say that your mum is in denial about her drinking. It could be that she cannot remember having had a drink. I get like that after a bottle of scotch. Sorry.
Just a thought
good luck tomorrow.


Registered User
Apr 19, 2006
Cheshire, UK.
Dear Panda,

I really feel for you......my father is an alcoholic, drinking 3/4 bottle of whiskey every night.......... He`s 83 and lives with us. He always insisted that he was only a modest drinker, it caused so many problems that i thought we`d never find a way around it. When he was admitted to hospital last August for an op on his leg, i explained the situation to the staff and they helped me by giving my father medication to wean him off the alcohol. He was in for 2wks, and by the time he came home i decided to carry on where the nurses had left off . Dad had been weaned off the alcohol and the tremors he suffered were awful to witness, but it was worth it for dad as he couldn`t have carried on like that......and niether could we :eek: With having A.D. he has hardly ever mentioned a drink, and if he does e.g. at Christmas i give him non alcoholic beer in his pint pot or Schloer (sp) in a wine glass........he doesn`t know the difference now, and it takes my guilt away when i know he can have a drink with his grandson/daughters, without the worry.

I sincerely hope everything goes ok for you tomorrow, i shall be thinking of you,
Good Luck,
Love Jan. :)


Registered User
Apr 16, 2006
Took Mum in she said I am a Liar and she is going to murder me for doing this. When asked to do the memory test she only got a couple pf things wrong but she knew the month and season and was only one year out on the year. I could not believe it. When I told the doctor what Mum has been doing with the drink and the falls and how she can no longer use the oven she shouted at me for leaving Mum in a dangerous situation for so long. She said if I had rang SS as soon as I noticed they would of been round and sorted things out. I felt terrible I only wanted to try every thing I could to keep Mum at home because that is what she wants. Went to see her today and she just keeps asking when she can come home. I hate this ilness and what it doe,s to the poor victims of it and their friends and family

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
I`m so sorry Panda. I`m surprised the doctor shouted at you. You`re trying your best.
Try to rest whilst your mum`s away and get some strength back. As much as you think of her, you must look after yourself too.
With love

Gill W

Registered User
Jan 31, 2007
Co. Durham
Hi Panda,

Your description of your mum reminded me very strongly of my Gran in the early days of her diagnosis. Although Gran doesn't drink, she had the same opinion that it was us that were losing our minds, not her.

Frequently, when either SS were calling or Gran was going to see the Consultant, she would get dressed in decent clothes, comb her hair and generally be as bright as a button with the person speaking to her. She'd be very lucid and would appear to make perfect sense, and we would sit with our chins on the floor, astounded that she could come across as perfectly 'normal' (apologies for the use of that word, I so hate using it!).

However, as time went on, the Consultant in particular used to wink at me when we entered the room, and ask Gran how she was. Gran would look at him blankly, look at me, look at mum, and "I'm fine, thank you, what was your name again?" would pop out of her mouth.

I think you may find that as mum's condition worsens, she'll be less and less able to cover for herself like that, and you'll feel less guilty at trying to provide the care you're giving so lovingly. My Gran now accepts that things aren't quite right somewhere, although she doesn't accept that she had Alzheimers and is in need of all the care and help we provide for her.

Deep down in there, your mum loves you. Always remember that.



Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
Oh Panda, how awful this must be for you.

It seems to me that the doctor who shouted at you was being unprofessional. You're obviously trying to do your best in an impossible situation, could Social Services have waved a wand or something?

As to those tests, I'm amazed they rely on them so much. My Dad, as I;m sure many others do, practises the questions when he knows he's going to be tested. Mind you he still gets most of them wrong anyway.

Here's hoping they manage to get things sorted out for your mum.

Don;t be afraid to bang on the doors of social services etc and get all the help and support you are entitled to get.

Also make sure they know how this is affecting you. Tell your GP if necessary. It;s important to look after your own health.


Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
panda said:
When I told the doctor what Mum has been doing with the drink and the falls and how she can no longer use the oven she shouted at me for leaving Mum in a dangerous situation for so long. She said if I had rang SS as soon as I noticed they would of been round and sorted things out.
I am spluttering with rage about this!!! How DARE that doctor criticise you for doing your best?? I can't believe how insensitive and unrealistic some so-called "professionals" can be.

Also, I'm an Aussie so I have no experience of your SS - but since I joined TP I've read dozens of posts about SS doing NOTHING to help in the most frightful situations!!! How come this doctor says they would have "been round and sorted things out"???

Panda, you poor dear thing. Please IGNORE this brute of a doctor and know that you did your very best for your Mum. Personally, I hope that doctor rots in Hell!!:mad:
(I'm not usually so vindictive but this has REALLY got my goat!!) Nell


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
What it is I think is that doctor are so out of touch in how social worker work , they don’t believe or don’t want to believe or lack of communication , from SS and doctors that social worker will leave people living at home , even if they are a danger to themselves , because SW want them to live at home on they own for as long as possible , because they want the person with dementia to keep they independences for as long as possible , in theory it sounds respectful to the person needs but the reality of it and being realistic , they the SW have not come up with any good idea in how they can do that if they live alone with out putting the person in danger to themselves . Shout that out to the doctor the next time, he/she criticises you, so he/she doctor should be turning they anger towards SS not the carer

Doctor needs to get his/her finger out & write a supporting letter to SS , so your mother can get the support that is needed .


Registered User
Feb 17, 2007
Nova Scotia Canada
Gill W said:
Hi Panda,
Hi Panda
This sounds just like my Mum. When the social worker arrived to plan care she was all dressed up with makeup on and sounded lucid. She told them "I was melodramic" She did get care as they asked her to make a cupof tea and she she couldn't d it. "You do it she said I'm busy". But the assessment this week has revealed to her just how much her memory is affected because the consultant wouldn't allow her to compensate ,using words like "Pass me the thingy" or "You know" or :"the usual " Or "stop asking me things" Carole


Registered User
Apr 16, 2006
Thank you all...I have been feeling really guilty thinking I nearly killed my Mum with my rubbish care. Mum is still in the hospital she seems to have calmed down in her abuse to me, but I am told that she still tells every one else about me!! I do not know at this moment if they will let her home with more support or if they will suggest some sort of home. I am trying to relax for the moment but feel guilty if I do not go up the hospital every day. So there is no rest really...... and because I do not know what is happening next I worry about that as well. I dread to think what Mum will say if she is told she can not go home.


Registered User
Jul 10, 2006
south lanarkshire
Hi Panda

How can you think you gave your Mum "rubbish care"?

It wasn't your fault that your Mum was drinking, you did the best you could in a very difficult situation.

Do not worry, what your Mum says about you. Everyone will know you have done your best and probably your Mum knows this also, despite the abuse.

If, it is decided that your Mum has to go into a care home, you have need not feel guilty, it is for the best.

When you visit you can have quality time, instead of all the worry.



Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
panda said:
Thank you all...I have been feeling really guilty thinking I nearly killed my Mum with my rubbish care.

Panda, you know that's not true. You have done your best for your mum, and are still doing your best.

Of course you're worried. You know how sick your mum is, but she is in the right place to get help.

Don't worry about the things she says about you, you know they're not true, and the hospital staff will know by this time not to trust what she says.

Continue to visit every day if that is what you want to do, but just stay long enough to set your mind at rest. If your mum has to go to a care home, it will be the SW's job to sort it out, unless she will be self-funding.

It's no good telling you not to worry, you can't help it. But try to get some rest, and also spend some time doing what you want to do. Spoil yourself for a while, and try to relax. You've done all you can, it's time for someone else to take the strain.



Registered User
Feb 13, 2007
Tyne and wear
panda, take the opportunity while your mums in hospital to try and get some help organised, tell the nurses that you and she are not coping well at the moment and then hopefully somekind of care package can be started prio to discharge, if you take on all the care they will let you but sounds like you need a break to, Am sure that the love and care you have given your mum is first rate, your just feeling sensative at the moment, remember sometimes its your mum talking and other times its the disease, think a thick skin sometimes helps.

goodluck, soulsmilin

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
It may be time

It sounds like it may be time for your mother to go into care. I know it is a very difficult decision but with your mother's drinking, it seems that a place she can't get at large amounts of alcohol is the best bet.

One other thing I would recommend when looking at a home, find out how long people have been working there. stability in staff employment is always a good thing.

Keep us posted.


Registered User
Apr 16, 2006
Thanks for the support it was just what I needed to hear. I am going to see mum every other day as it is a long way to hospital what with work kids and a home to run, I just have to live with the fact that I will feel guilty when I do not go. Saw mum yesterday she still thinks she is being kept where she is for no reason.. She also said she is going to drink when she gets home and no one will tell her what to do,she can not remember the state she was in or the falls she had. I can do no more at the moment so will wait and see what the doctors suggest next Monday at the meeting. Also Mum will have to be self funding as she owns her house but that will be the next thing to worry about


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Panda, never an easy time. My heart goes out to you.

Find mum the best home you can, that suits her. If she is going to be self funding , try to make it work for her. Not an easy task, but feel sure there has to be somewhere. At least you will have a choice.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Panda, I hope the meeting goes well and the medics and other professionals involved will see that your mother is a danger to herself and really needs full time care.

I really do feel you have done as much as you possibly can to keep her safe and well, and it`s just not enough. It was never `rubbish care` it was the best you could give. That it was not enough, is because of your mother`s condition, not because of the quality of your care.

I think everyone on TP will be thinking of you on Monday and wishing you well.

With love

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