Feeling sad

[thebel2405]

Feeling sad at the moment.

My mum diagnosed with dementia about 18 months ago. My dad is the main carer, and I go over a night and a day a week, to give him a break. I speak to her almost every day.

The last 2 times I have been with her, half way through the day, she doesn't seem to know who I am. It usually happens after someone else has said my name, and she will then look at me, and say I am not that person. I know it happens, but it is just so sad when it does.
Do I correct her? Or just carry on. If my Dad hears her, he tries to explain, but it seems to make her agitated.
Any advice?

 

[stanleypj]

Sorry, no direct advice as I have no experience of this, but I can understand from what I've read on here that this is regarded by some as the worst thing that can happen.

At least, from what you say, it's not yet a permanent thing so I hope you'll still have plenty of opportunities to relate to her, and at some level to be appreciated by her, as the loving daughter you clearly are.

Take care.

 

[Izzy]

I know how you feel. I had this a lot with my mum. She often called me by her cousin's name. Her cousin had died at the age of 90 years ago. Inside I knew I should have gone along with what she was saying but I found it hard.

Have you seen this thread? It might help.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[Blimey]

Hi thebel2405

Its horrible isn't it. I always just carry on as it seems less painful than explaining. If the mistake is recognised or suspected I make a joke about not knowing who I am sometimes, it usually works and the moment passes more quickly. It is very painful to experience as a daughter, even in passing, so I am with you in your sadness.

 

[jaymor]

My husband did not know me for the last two years he was at home, nor did he recognise the house as his home.

I was the nice lady that looked after him while he waited for his wife to collect him.

Hard to start with but he is comfortable with me and happy to be with me and trusts me so it could be a lot worse.

He has been in a nursing home for over 18 months and still trusts me and is happy to be with me. I have never tried to make him understand, that would be cruel.


Jay

 

[creativesarah]

people may not be able to remember who you are but their emotional memory will remember how they felt when they were with you

 

[stanleypj]

I'm sure you're right Sarah. You've explained very well. We read so often that though the person being cared for does not recognise the relative they do continue to trust them and allow them to do the job.

Still very sad for the carer concerned of course.

 

[Lindy50]

people may not be able to remember who you are but their emotional memory will remember how they felt when they were with you

I agree, I have come across this a lot. It may be of some comfort, I hope

 

[thebel2405]

I feel quite overwhelmed by the lovely kind and supportive words and ideas that you have all given me. I know I am not alone at all but it sometimes feels like it. I can see that this forum is going to help enormously.
I really think the quote from Sarah is true. I know that she knows how special I am. She likes being with me, even when I am not who she thinks I am, so that's some comfort.
I certainly won't try and correct her, as it does seem to upset her, when my Dad tries. I think I will encourage him to just let it be too.

 

[CollegeGirl]

It's so good that your mum still feels comfortable with you even on the occasions when she doesn't recognise you. Hold onto that, because unfortunately it isn't always the case. When my mam is like that, she doesn't want anything to do with me.

 

[thebel2405]

I will definitely hold onto those precious moments while I still have them.

College girl - sorry to hear that your mum is like that with you.

 

[NellieBea]

people may not be able to remember who you are but their emotional memory will remember how they felt when they were with you

What a wonderful thing to say, thank you x i'm sobbing! Mum always has a smile for me, i'm the youngest of 5 and am her main carer. Everyone says how she lights up when i appear, thank you for helping me understand on an emotional level. Much love and thanks to all xx

 

[lizzybean]

Nelliebea, according to a book I read, this is the case & you are supposed to give them "green" days not "red" ones! In a nut shell I had a good day with my MIL y'day. She hasn't a clue what we did just that we had a good time!