1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Weds 28 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 28 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. thebel2405

    thebel2405 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2013
    10
    Feeling sad at the moment.

    My mum diagnosed with dementia about 18 months ago. My dad is the main carer, and I go over a night and a day a week, to give him a break. I speak to her almost every day.

    The last 2 times I have been with her, half way through the day, she doesn't seem to know who I am. It usually happens after someone else has said my name, and she will then look at me, and say I am not that person. I know it happens, but it is just so sad when it does.
    Do I correct her? Or just carry on. If my Dad hears her, he tries to explain, but it seems to make her agitated.
    Any advice?
     
  2. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,629
    North West
    Sorry, no direct advice as I have no experience of this, but I can understand from what I've read on here that this is regarded by some as the worst thing that can happen.

    At least, from what you say, it's not yet a permanent thing so I hope you'll still have plenty of opportunities to relate to her, and at some level to be appreciated by her, as the loving daughter you clearly are.

    Take care.
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,236
    Female
    Dundee
  4. Blimey

    Blimey Registered User

    Jun 6, 2012
    20
    Hi thebel2405

    Its horrible isn't it. I always just carry on as it seems less painful than explaining. If the mistake is recognised or suspected I make a joke about not knowing who I am sometimes, it usually works and the moment passes more quickly. It is very painful to experience as a daughter, even in passing, so I am with you in your sadness. :(
     
  5. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,410
    Female
    England
    My husband did not know me for the last two years he was at home, nor did he recognise the house as his home.

    I was the nice lady that looked after him while he waited for his wife to collect him.

    Hard to start with but he is comfortable with me and happy to be with me and trusts me so it could be a lot worse.

    He has been in a nursing home for over 18 months and still trusts me and is happy to be with me. I have never tried to make him understand, that would be cruel.


    Jay
     
  6. creativesarah

    creativesarah Registered User

    people may not be able to remember who you are but their emotional memory will remember how they felt when they were with you
     
  7. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,629
    North West
    I'm sure you're right Sarah. You've explained very well. We read so often that though the person being cared for does not recognise the relative they do continue to trust them and allow them to do the job.

    Still very sad for the carer concerned of course.
     
  8. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,293
    Cotswolds
    I agree, I have come across this a lot. It may be of some comfort, I hope :)
     
  9. thebel2405

    thebel2405 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2013
    10
    I feel quite overwhelmed by the lovely kind and supportive words and ideas that you have all given me. I know I am not alone at all but it sometimes feels like it. I can see that this forum is going to help enormously.
    I really think the quote from Sarah is true. I know that she knows how special I am. She likes being with me, even when I am not who she thinks I am, so that's some comfort.
    I certainly won't try and correct her, as it does seem to upset her, when my Dad tries. I think I will encourage him to just let it be too.
     
  10. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    #10 CollegeGirl, Mar 19, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2014
    It's so good that your mum still feels comfortable with you even on the occasions when she doesn't recognise you. Hold onto that, because unfortunately it isn't always the case. When my mam is like that, she doesn't want anything to do with me.
     
  11. thebel2405

    thebel2405 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2013
    10
    I will definitely hold onto those precious moments while I still have them.

    College girl - sorry to hear that your mum is like that with you.
     
  12. NellieBea

    NellieBea Registered User

    Feb 28, 2014
    10
    Wandsworth, London
    What a wonderful thing to say, thank you x i'm sobbing! Mum always has a smile for me, i'm the youngest of 5 and am her main carer. Everyone says how she lights up when i appear, thank you for helping me understand on an emotional level. Much love and thanks to all xx
     
  13. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    Nelliebea, according to a book I read, this is the case & you are supposed to give them "green" days not "red" ones! In a nut shell I had a good day with my MIL y'day. She hasn't a clue what we did just that we had a good time!
     

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