feeling sad

[sue h]

Have had a really bad week. Mum phoned and asked me to go round . Dad wanted to 'go home' to his wife and was very aggressive. Normally I'm able to calm him down but when I took him indoors (left Mum in the kitchen as he thought she was 'the other woman'), he threatened to kill me, pinned me against the door holding my wrist and was going to karate chop my neck. I told him Mum was in the kitchen at which point he went out of the room and things totally switched - I became the evil woman who wanted to go to bed with him - I was playing tricks on him, coming round in the car, when I only live a few doors away ( I live a mile away). Mum was suddenly his wife again (but he still wanted to go home), he turned on me verbally despite seemingly knowing that I was his daughter. Mum told me not to cry at which point we both dissolved into tears. I felt totally out of my depth...no-one tells you how to handle these situations. I'm really worried that the day will come when;
a) he's going to hurt someone
b) we can't keep him indoors and he'll get lost - or run over (they live on a main road)
c) my Mum has a nervous breakdown
d) I have a nervous breakdown or
e) all of the above
Sorry ranting on a bit there. Needless to say the next day Dad was very quiet and almost 'normal'. Talk about Jekell and Hyde.
Thanks for listening, I feel better for writing it down!
Bye for now
Sue

 

[Ruthie]

Dear Sue

I do feel for you - these episodes are so distressing and frightening, especially when you know that your dad would never have behaved in this way before he had the disease. Sad to say, it is more than likely that it will happen again, and I really think that you must talk to your dad's GP, psychiatric consultant, CPN or Social Worker, whichever you feel is most likely to listen to you and take your concerns seriously. I would print out your posting and take it along to remind yourself of how it actually felt at the time - I found it was easy to play it down, even to myself, after the event.

It may be that some medication will be able to calm your Dad down or improve his mood swings - and after all, if your Dad actually harmed your mother (and it does happen) you would never forgive yourself. I know that there is a fear that your Dad will have to go into a hospital - I have been through all that, and we all want to keep our loved ones at home as long as possible, but the safety of your mum, your dad and yourself is the main priority, so do get some advice as soon as you can.

Kind regards

Ruthie

 

[Nutty Nan]

Dear Sue,
Your honesty is brave and very touching - it is often so much easier to play things down once they are behind us, and pretend it won't happen again. Ruthie's suggestion of taking a copy of such notes along to appointments is great, as even a short while after the event it may seem like an exaggeration to list all the negative points, especially if the person by then seems really quite OK...
Best wishes - I hope you get a sympathetic ear and the help you so obviously need sooner rather than later!
Love, Carmen

 

[susan]

Dear Sue
Went through all what you have posted with my dad a few years ago - it is frightening and i plead with you to speak to your CPN and make them aware of the mood swings - sometimes medication works - others it doesn't - it didn't with dad and rather rapidly we had to have a section put into place to protect my mum - dad was a strong man then and he really believed that mum was the other woman! - not just for a short time - sometimes it lasted all day!!
It doesn't seem possible at the time that someone you love can actually believe that you are a brother / mother that died years before or a total stranger. My memories of those times are fading although dad is with us still, he's in the very final stages. I felt the same as you at the time - how do i cope with the next incident - whether at 4.00pm or 2.00am in the morning when mum used to phone me to say dad had thrown her out the house!!
Seek advice and support and have a number to phone when things get difficult.
Take care keep in touch Love Susan.

 

[sue h]

Thank you for all your replies. Getting help seems to be the biggest stumbling block at the moment. My Dad is currently waiting for a brain scan - this was requested by the psychiatrist 2 months ago, he's also had 4 blood tests done over the past 2 weeks. I haven't got a clue what they are testing for.
His CPN is difficult to contact, GP doesn't seem interested now that Dad has been referred. It's also difficult to get my Mum to agree to outside help. very much feels that this is my husband and I've got to cope on my own. I don't like to pressure her too much but I can see that someone needs to be aware of these violent outbursts before something terrible happens.
What you said Carmen is very true, when things calm down you get a bit complacent. My Mum admitted last week that she was thinking that my Dad didn't really need a brain scan as he'd been reasonably OK for a few weeks. I think she was relieved that she hadn't cancelled it.
At the moment I'm reading `The Iris Trilogy` written by John Bayley. John Bayley's amazing and truthful account of coping with someone with AD, often using his dry humour to diffuse situations. Iris used to get very agitated and asking over and over 'When are we going?' to which he replied 'Never mind dear, we'll soon be dead'. I love the quote that he said to Iris (originally used by a clergyman to parishioners suffering from depression) to 'take short views of human life - never further than dinner of tea'. How true when the future doesn't bear thinking about.
Love to all
Sue

 

[kate34]

getting help

You must keep on pestering at the services available to help you and if necessary make threats to complain. I issued the CPN office here with an ultimatum that they would have to find Dad a hosptial place or us and told them the situation was dangerous and out of hand. By law they are obliged to make a place of safety order and can arrange emergency mental health section. It IS distressing, it is mostly last resort [my support about this came from the hospital CPN where I work, who was brilliant, if we had had her to help us, I am sure we wouldnt have been p****d about so much, as Dads CPN was useless]
DONT LOSE HEART. I even threatened the consultant psych with a court case if he didnt do what we needed to be done and dont regret it. I miss my father like mad at least the way he was and the way things could have been [had he not had dementia] and I still wish we could have managed him for longer but in the end, a hospital placement was necessary and he is now in a private nursing home[again, sad but necessary] or the stress would have killed my mother. Losing my Dad this way is hard enough but I couldnt bear to have lost Mum as well.
please get help for yourselves; I know what its like having been there as we all have, its not easy, but will get much much harder if you dont make a stand now.

 

[Brucie]

It does seem to be that often one has to threaten something to make these people take us seriously. Worked for me.

 

[sue h]

It seems very common that first we have to fight for a diagnosis and then for support. The 'system' is seriously lacking and lets us all down. Practical advice is'nt freely given and I think this is so important. Luckily having access to the internet has enabled me to print off loads of info which I pass onto my Mum. I have just printed the help sheets regarding aggression and wandering from this site. Some good ideas on there for ways of handling difficult situations.
I managed to have a long chat with my Mum on Friday while Dad was out of the room. (he was busy having a shave which takes an hour or so, checks the taps are off over and over again). Mum expressed her fears of being hurt by Dad - we've come up with a plan B for next time (which no doubt there will be). As soon as Dad wants to leave the house she's to ring me - up to now Mum's tried to talk him round sometimes for hours which I think is what happened the other week. Hence when I arrive he's already very agitated. If he agrees we're going to go with him and have a purpose such as posting a letter. Hopefully it might diffuse the situation but I'll take my mobile in case we need help. Do you think this will work and calm him down enough to get him home again? I'll keep you posted.
Love
Sue