feeling sad and scared

barbara h

Registered User
Feb 15, 2008
county durham
Mam had a visit at the care home from her doctor who could not believe the difference in her since she last seen her in her home just before christmas. In fact she had to go and look at the photos in her room as she thought they had took her to the wrong lady.

She confirmed that she is having mini strokes possibly about 4 last week and she can see no period of stability happening and she is now at the severe stage of vascular dementia. She said she doesn't think she has much longer with us. Everyone concerned with her care say they haven't seen anyone decline with this illness so quickly. We only started experiencing any sort of problems with her memory about september last year.

We have been to the care home today to talk about our wishes etc for the end of her life. They are brilliant and are going to nurse her to the end.

Just can't get my head around how she was just a few weeks ago and now we are having to deal with all this. Went shopping for a mothers day card today and had to stop cos i thought i was going to start crying in the shop. I feel so sad about how this awful illness has taken her from us so quickly and scared about how it is all going to end.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Barbara,
There`s little I can say in the way of support. A rapid decline like your mother is experiencing, is frightening to say the least.
I can only wish you the strength to bear it.
Take care xx


Registered User
Mar 1, 2008
I know this will not be much comfort but you might have to think if your mum was looking down on herself she would want this to last weeks not years. It's harder for you but better for her this way, so you have to be the tough one because she can't be now. Make sure she is well-cared for, loved and comfortable, then you know you've done the best you can. It's like any other terminal illness; my dad was diagnosed with cancer and only lived another eight weeks. At the time it was awful but I'm glad for him now that any suffering was limited.


Registered User
Mar 1, 2008
Mothers Day


I am so sorry to hear how quickly your mum's condition has progressed. It really is such a hard condition to deal with...

I really can empathise with how you were feeling about buying her Mother's Day card. I have just replied to a different post, saying how hard I found it buying a card with the right words. My mum has been diagnosed for just over 2 years and is now 56...I am 23...My mum has been through many bad stages but then does seem to pick up again for a while! Do you think there is a possibility your mum could also pick up again?


Registered User
Sep 24, 2007
keep your chin up

Dear Barbara
How sad all this is. My dad is just the same as your mum. My mum and I nurse him at home in the lounge we are lucky in that we have excellent support from the nhs and social services. But it is hard he als has vascular dementia and I think over the last 24 hours has suffered a mini stroke. He is not eating or drinkin and is so distressing for us all I am glad that your mum is at least in care and receiving good support it is not easy at home watching the decline. I just want you to know that we are all with each other and keep posting as it sure helps.
lots of love

barbara h

Registered User
Feb 15, 2008
county durham
I felt exactly the same as you melly looking for a mothers day card as you say the words just don't seem right any more do they?

Sorry to hear your mam has this awful illness at such a young age at least mine has had a long and full life (she is 79).

You are all thinking the same as us that we do not want her to suffer for long the way she is

Thanks for the support


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
barbara the words just don't seem right any more do they
My daughter just given me a ( she 21 ) card which reads

Just in case you need a reminder of how much I love you
( then inside card it say in big words )

I love you Happy Birthday :eek::D

I do hope that does not come arocss as dismissing your feeling about your mother xx

Mam had a visit at the care home from her doctor who could not believe the difference in her since she last seen her in her home just before christmas.
My doctor said that about my mother when he had not seen her for a good 6 months

I don't want to sound like I am giving you false hope , but someone even doctor can get it wrong about how long they have left with end of life when it come to dementia , but then at the end of the day they the doctors so they must know better .

I do feel for you , if they have got it right xxx (( hugs ))


Registered User
Oct 16, 2007
manchester, uk
Dear Barbara, Susan and family

I am sorry to hear your mam's decline is still continuing at such a fast rate. All I can say is my thoughts are with you all. I am glad your mam is in what seems to be a good care home and they will follow your wishes when the time comes.

Take care, and please keep us updated.



Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
leigh lancashire
Dear Barbara.sorry it's late,just caught the post.my sincere condolences and may i give respect to the home in proving their dignity for your mum and your family.god bless elainex


Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
Dear Barbara,

Such a sad post, everything is moving so fast for you all.

I do hope that your mum is comfortable and wish you all the strength you need to cope.

Caring Thoughts, Taffy.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Dear Barbara

It's such a sad time, isn't it?

Although we don't want them to suffer, the though that we may be losing them tears at our hearts.

Your mum is being well looked after, and you and your sister are making sure that she is peaceful and comfortable. You can do no more for your mum.

But don't forget to look after yourselves too. It's exhausting, living with the uncertainty and emotional strain. Make sure you get some rest.



Registered User
Feb 15, 2008
greenhithe kent
dear barbara, sorry you are feeling so sad, it is sometimes the small things like looking at mothers days cards, old photos just reminising, makes us feel sad, we tend to cope with the big picture, but the little things bring it home to us your mother is in the best place, you have seen to that god bless keep well bclark.


Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
Dear Barbara

My heart goes out to you.

My mother also has VAD and I had to do all the end of life care discussions at the start of this year. Since the end of alst summer she has deteriorated rapidly following a long slow decline.

A couple of weeks back Mum was stopping eating and generally chatting to "Angels" every day when awake but in the last fortnight she has started to eat and is more "with it" and can even give a yes or no answer to a direct question about a quarter of the time. She has plateaued in her fall and stabilised at a lower level, eventhough we suspect that, like your Mum, the TIAs are still occurring very very frequently.

We do not know how long that this will go on. To be honest we did not think that she would be here now and she is. I feel guilty for wishing it over when Mum appears so determined to go on. I know that she would have hated seeing herself like this, yet with her diminished insight into what is "normal" she is perfectly happy in this odd twilight state.

I watched my Dad suffer from cancer over 4-5 years. I have watched Mum suffer with VAD now for almost a decade. For myself I wish a speedy end. I know that it will be more difficult for my family but I also know that they wont feel the guilt of grieving whilst I am still alive and living each day with uncertainty. It is hard when you are not ready to let go and for you there has not been a lot of time to come to terms with this dreaded disease and what it does to people.

Love your Mum and do what you can to make her comfortable and happy. Love yourself as well and do what you must without feeling guilty about it.


My thoughts are with you