Feeling sad and guilty
- Thread starter AW1938
- Start date
Hi again, still struggling with mum as every visit she still wants to go home. What does everyone think? I am now thinking of taking mum to my house a day each week, i think she is feeling shut out of the family circle. Mums house was always the centre for me and my children. I am concerned she won't want to go back to the home but the carers have said they will support her on return. Im just wondering if this will help her to settle?
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Hi
Mums been in ch for over year now.regularly asks to go home/try's to get out. We were told it wouldn't help to take her to her own home- as well as us knowing she wouldn't get back in the car to go back to ch voluntarily- would it cause more upset each time she had to 'leave' again? One of the other residents mum is friendly with was also wanting to go home. Her dementia far less advanced and mainly needs physical help. Her family take her out for half a day most weekends but never back to her old home. They go for coffee,to the park, one of their homes etc. They told me she accepts this,still feels she is involved with the family, but she doesn't get to see the fact her home is being packed away as needs to be sold etc.
Our ch also accommodates families eating with the residents if you give 24 hrs notice and a small contribution. We have done that a couple of times- just 'happen' to still be there at dinner time, and isn't it nice they have said I can eat with you...-
Good luck
Ros
Mums been in ch for over year now.regularly asks to go home/try's to get out. We were told it wouldn't help to take her to her own home- as well as us knowing she wouldn't get back in the car to go back to ch voluntarily- would it cause more upset each time she had to 'leave' again? One of the other residents mum is friendly with was also wanting to go home. Her dementia far less advanced and mainly needs physical help. Her family take her out for half a day most weekends but never back to her old home. They go for coffee,to the park, one of their homes etc. They told me she accepts this,still feels she is involved with the family, but she doesn't get to see the fact her home is being packed away as needs to be sold etc.
Our ch also accommodates families eating with the residents if you give 24 hrs notice and a small contribution. We have done that a couple of times- just 'happen' to still be there at dinner time, and isn't it nice they have said I can eat with you...-
Good luck
Ros
Thank you for your reply. My mum is 78 and a lot younger than most of the others in het care home. She is mobile, eats ind, needs a bit of help toileting. Her main issue us confusion memory loss which leads to high anxiety if she doesnt get reassurance, so she can't be on her own. I hate to think that this is it for her and she will spend the rest of her life 'locked away' as she says[emoji29]. People say enjoy the goods times as they will go, but as you say, i am scared i might mix her up even more! just cant decide what is the best option.
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hi AW1938
when dad first moved into his care home I did as Rosnpton describes (journeys to pleasant places for a short walk and a coffee and cake) - dad enjoyed these trips out and went back into the home OK - there were a few moments when he asked where we were, why we were stopping here ... but he went in and settled back on his floor
I didn't take him to his house, and couldn't take him to mine as the loo is up some steep stairs
after about a year there were a few tricky moments, then one when he really kicked off and would not go back into the home ... from then I brought in treats, we sat in the garden, but I haven't taken him out as I couldn't risk putting him through that much stress, - now I can hardly get him to go out into the garden
so, personally, I think first try taking your mum for a short outing to somewhere quite close and neutral, with the staff ready for her return - don't expect a problem, just watch how she deals with the return - see how that goes and take it from there
if your mum isn't up to going out, take in treats, have a picnic in the garden, play music outside, take in silly things to do eg I take in those kids windmills as dad loves to watch them whirl in the breeze, and I blow bubbles for him to 'catch', play skittles ...
I hope you are able to have some visits out, either way you'll find enjoyable things to do together
best wishes
when dad first moved into his care home I did as Rosnpton describes (journeys to pleasant places for a short walk and a coffee and cake) - dad enjoyed these trips out and went back into the home OK - there were a few moments when he asked where we were, why we were stopping here ... but he went in and settled back on his floor
I didn't take him to his house, and couldn't take him to mine as the loo is up some steep stairs
after about a year there were a few tricky moments, then one when he really kicked off and would not go back into the home ... from then I brought in treats, we sat in the garden, but I haven't taken him out as I couldn't risk putting him through that much stress, - now I can hardly get him to go out into the garden
so, personally, I think first try taking your mum for a short outing to somewhere quite close and neutral, with the staff ready for her return - don't expect a problem, just watch how she deals with the return - see how that goes and take it from there
if your mum isn't up to going out, take in treats, have a picnic in the garden, play music outside, take in silly things to do eg I take in those kids windmills as dad loves to watch them whirl in the breeze, and I blow bubbles for him to 'catch', play skittles ...
I hope you are able to have some visits out, either way you'll find enjoyable things to do together
best wishes
Rosnpton - Good points always
and Shedrech what lovely ideas about the garden - I should get some toys like that. I thought of getting a bird feeder and set it up in the CH garden and some bags of nuts (to feed birds) to hang on the fence outside Mum's window.
AW1938 I just had the same conversation with my Dad about this being it for Mum. My Mum is mobile and in the same kind of condition as your Mum, I think. I agree.
But ...
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
This is very typical of the state of mind of those with dementia or memory loss in a CH. In which case, I've come to realise although each sufferer goes into a different state / mood. Most of them don't have a firm grip on reality. They certainly have lucid moments which leads us to believe they are making some good decisions. But, the wish to go home, for me, is the desire to return to life as it was before dementia. We (as the family) must remember that this is what they're asking for. And, it's important not to feel guilty that we can't deliver that. When we are not in a position to 'look after' our Mum (or Dad), all we can do is make sure they are safe in a place that's warm with food and beverages, being properly looked after. And keep visiting to reassure them that things will be okay.
I think a short visit out for a coffee would be a good diversion. I look forward to doing this with my Mum too. Because she has only been in the home for 2 months, I feel it could be disorienting and am taking my time before doing it. I don't think a visit to my home would be good - (partly because it's too far away and she's never been here) and she wouldn't know why she was here and not at her home. So, a neutral place definitely. I'm not even sure if it should be a place she's been regularly when she was 100% healthy - since the associations for her will be to go home afterwards. So, I would be thinking of a place she doesn't know too well.
I like this site, have been away from it and am only just learning to find my way around.
best wishes,
Olivia
My mum has been in her care home for nearly 4 months and is still very unhappy and not settling. I visit 6 days a week, but I have to prepare myself for my visits as she just keeps saying how unhappy she is and wants to move somewhere else. I think she has now realised that she cannot return to her own home but seems to think that if I move her to another care home she will be happier and better cared for. Where she is, is not luxurious or 5 star but I cannot fault the care she is getting for her vascular/mixed dementia. The staff and management are all very friendly and welcoming and have no worries that mum is getting the specialised care she needs. I just feel tremendous guilt still that I, with her doctors advice, agreed that she needed to be in residential care as I was reaching carers breakdown after being her sole carer for a few years and could not give her the 24 hour care she how's needs. I just wonder if I should move her somewhere else as she begs me every visit to do this but I feel that another move will be more detrimental to her health and just add to her confusion. When I try and ask her why she is so unhappy she says she doesn't know, and the staff assure me that she is fine when I am not there?? Her mobility and mental health are deteriorating quite quickly and I just don't want her to become more confused than she is if I do decide to move her. I am like so many if you, having to sell her property, which again mum does not know about, to pay for the astronomical care fees, as we will be self funding in a couple of weeks, and just adds to all the additional worry and stress that we are going through at this time. Mum has some equity on her property so will not be entitled to a deferred payment with our council. I just feel that I am finding it difficult to cope with everything at the moment. I thought things would get easier over time with mum but feel so guilty and just want her to be happy in the final years of her life and walk in to the care home one day and see her smile again.
Hi
As on other similar threads- it may not be that your mum is wanting to go to her old home,just somewhere she felt safe. Other threads mention pwd.thinking a childhood residence was still home.
You can only do so much-another moved,unless absolutely necessary,may disoriantate your mum more.
My mum been in ch since April last year,was in residential in a lovely upstairs room. No access to stairs unless door code used, but a lift they were able to use themselves,without staff if able to.
Unfortunatly, she is frail due to arthritis,and should always use her frame or walker. Due to previous mental health issues,she is very manipulative and even before dementia would disregard any rules or advice she did t agree with.
. She has several minor falls-most genuine due to not using the walker,or rolling out of bed-but some staged. She 'learnt' she got more attention following the falls,several trips to a&e and several ambulances called. Long story short-safe guarding concern raised by ambulance crew.
Last week I had to move her to a downstairs room for her own safety-this is on the dementia unit where the staff to resident ratio is higher,and residents are monitored throughout the night
She has become even more confused and irrational- and this is a move within same home,staff rotate between residential and dementia unit so she has familiar faces around,and her 'friends' still on residential can go and see her, she,however can not go into the garden unless there is a member of staff arround as she now 'slides'off her chair on to the floor.she can not go to the residential area on her own,again due to needing more supervision.
It seems that in her case the change in her immediate environment- the lounge and dinning area she uses,her own room etc-has accelerated her confused and angry state. I'm hoping she may re-settle quickly,she has seen the gp.several times in the last week and we are due at the memory clinic next Wednesday,so a change in meds.nay be on the books.
With hind site I wonder now if a move to a completely different ch/nh.may have been less stressful for her,but you can only do what seems to be best at the time
I really hope your mum settles soon. It makes the visits so hard to undertake when you are standing in the car part mentally gearing yourself up for what you expect to be an upsetting few hours.
Sending hugs and best wishes
Ros
As on other similar threads- it may not be that your mum is wanting to go to her old home,just somewhere she felt safe. Other threads mention pwd.thinking a childhood residence was still home.
You can only do so much-another moved,unless absolutely necessary,may disoriantate your mum more.
My mum been in ch since April last year,was in residential in a lovely upstairs room. No access to stairs unless door code used, but a lift they were able to use themselves,without staff if able to.
Unfortunatly, she is frail due to arthritis,and should always use her frame or walker. Due to previous mental health issues,she is very manipulative and even before dementia would disregard any rules or advice she did t agree with.
. She has several minor falls-most genuine due to not using the walker,or rolling out of bed-but some staged. She 'learnt' she got more attention following the falls,several trips to a&e and several ambulances called. Long story short-safe guarding concern raised by ambulance crew.
Last week I had to move her to a downstairs room for her own safety-this is on the dementia unit where the staff to resident ratio is higher,and residents are monitored throughout the night
She has become even more confused and irrational- and this is a move within same home,staff rotate between residential and dementia unit so she has familiar faces around,and her 'friends' still on residential can go and see her, she,however can not go into the garden unless there is a member of staff arround as she now 'slides'off her chair on to the floor.she can not go to the residential area on her own,again due to needing more supervision.
It seems that in her case the change in her immediate environment- the lounge and dinning area she uses,her own room etc-has accelerated her confused and angry state. I'm hoping she may re-settle quickly,she has seen the gp.several times in the last week and we are due at the memory clinic next Wednesday,so a change in meds.nay be on the books.
With hind site I wonder now if a move to a completely different ch/nh.may have been less stressful for her,but you can only do what seems to be best at the time
I really hope your mum settles soon. It makes the visits so hard to undertake when you are standing in the car part mentally gearing yourself up for what you expect to be an upsetting few hours.
Sending hugs and best wishes
Ros
At last a positive post. Mum was seen by a community mental nurse a few weeks back. I told her how dreadful i feel about mum and how she begs me to take her home and becomes so anxious. We decided to try her on some meds to 'take the edge off' and this week she has been so much more relaxed and dare i say settled. Its early days and she still talks about getting home but shes not as [emoji30] distressed. Hang in there, maybe things do get a little easier...
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That's good.if she is less agitated it will make visiting easier and more rewarding,
We had memory clinic last week.had sent a letter ahead with all our concerns and changes we had noticed.
They sent sample for uti-heard today positive so another course of anti biotics.
They also wrote to gp.(electronically so at her surgery before 5pm wed.10th) prescribing metazapein to try and calm her a bit.
When I rang her gp.today to see if prescription was ready,they advised a pain patch script was also waiting-these were prescribed mon 8th and the care home kept ringing about them to be told not on her prescription.
I asked about the mirtazapine to a)be told not received anything, then when I rang the memory clinic and checked etc b) they've lost the prescription due to the cyber attack fri afternoon!!
The memory clinic said they could see that a dr.had read the report late on wed and they they had authorised it and sent straight to the prescriptions clerk,who had actioned it on thur 11th. This was 24 hrs before the cyber attack,and our health authority said we weren't affected!!
Can only hope that the antibiotics will help while we wait for the other meds,which apparently now won't be available to collect until late Thursday.
Ros
=AW1938;1413211]At last a positive post. Mum was seen by a community mental nurse a few weeks back. I told her how dreadful i feel about mum and how she begs me to take her home and becomes so anxious. We decided to try her on some meds to 'take the edge off' and this week she has been so much more relaxed and dare i say settled. Its early days and she still talks about getting home but shes not as [emoji30] distressed. Hang in there, maybe things do get a little easier...
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point[/QUOTE]
We had memory clinic last week.had sent a letter ahead with all our concerns and changes we had noticed.
They sent sample for uti-heard today positive so another course of anti biotics.
They also wrote to gp.(electronically so at her surgery before 5pm wed.10th) prescribing metazapein to try and calm her a bit.
When I rang her gp.today to see if prescription was ready,they advised a pain patch script was also waiting-these were prescribed mon 8th and the care home kept ringing about them to be told not on her prescription.
I asked about the mirtazapine to a)be told not received anything, then when I rang the memory clinic and checked etc b) they've lost the prescription due to the cyber attack fri afternoon!!
The memory clinic said they could see that a dr.had read the report late on wed and they they had authorised it and sent straight to the prescriptions clerk,who had actioned it on thur 11th. This was 24 hrs before the cyber attack,and our health authority said we weren't affected!!
Can only hope that the antibiotics will help while we wait for the other meds,which apparently now won't be available to collect until late Thursday.
Ros
=AW1938;1413211]At last a positive post. Mum was seen by a community mental nurse a few weeks back. I told her how dreadful i feel about mum and how she begs me to take her home and becomes so anxious. We decided to try her on some meds to 'take the edge off' and this week she has been so much more relaxed and dare i say settled. Its early days and she still talks about getting home but shes not as [emoji30] distressed. Hang in there, maybe things do get a little easier...
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point[/QUOTE]
Hi
Mum has been in care for three weeks and is not settling - she will not join in any activities and prefers to eat in her own room. She spends most of the day just sitting thinking. She asks when she can go home as she has nothing to do and doesn't like looking at four walls! For a long time my brother and I wondered whether anti-depressants might help her but she has never wanted to take anything like that. What medication is your Mum on 'to take the edge off'?
Same as you
Just read your posts and it could have been me writing, please excuse me if I am asking out of turn I'm fairly new to this site and not sure how to use it, did your mum ever settle ?
Hi,
Just read your posts and it could have been me writing, please excuse me if I am asking out of turn I'm fairly new to this site and not sure how to use it, did your mum ever settle ?
No I am afraid Mum didn't settle. I couldn't fault the home or the staff - they were brilliant but they couldn't get mum to join in anything. She didn't like to sit in her room with nothing to do - she wanted to potter like she thought she did at home. She spent four weeks in the home and has now been home four weeks. She is happy to be home but doesn't like the carers going in! Thinks she can manage but we know she can't. She is grateful for,the help my brother and I give her but I live 100 miles away and my brother 50. We visit her alternate weeks. If the truth were known, she doesn't want to be on this earth any longer but as a Christian she is very grateful for the life she has been given and the roof over her head. She hates being a burden too. Time will tell what will happen. Thanks for your interest.
Good morning MIA. I'm sorry if your posts haven't really been picked up in threads. Discussions move on quickly sometimes, and it's easy for an individual post to just become part of the general discussion, without being individually replied to. It's much easier to get responses, particularly on your own queries, if you start your own thread, and I've sent you a message explaining exactly how to do that. That way, more people will see your post, as it will have its own "slot".
Hope you have a good day
LadyA
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