My mum was diagnosed with dementia 3 years ago and with hindsight I now realise she had symptoms for 2/3 years before that. between myself, my dad, and other lovely family and friends we have managed to look after my mum at my mum and dads home these past years. But she is very hard to care for now and my dad has his own health problems too. So my mum is going into residential care soon and me and my husband and 6 yr old are moving in with my dad. This makes financial sense for all of us (including relating to my mums care costs) and also nice for my little family and my dad (we all get along well and my daughter cannot wait to move in with grandpa). But I feel very guilty. We had considered moving in and us all looking after mum but I think that would be very stressful for all of us and I feel not really very fair on my daughter. My mum is very irrational and rude. But I feel very guilty and I irrationally still hold this feeling that my mum will 'snap out of it'. My mum loved children and was the most imaginative, playful person with children. It is so sad for me to see her being something she is not. She was also such a rational person, far more than me. She was a nurse and a midwife. She was a ward sister in St Thomas's hospital in London! She took my aunty and my two cousins and my grandma and grandpa into our home when they were ill/dying/desperate and have them care and a home for years. I feel so guilty that I am not doing the same. I wish that my mum could give me advice, I try to imagine it but I really cannot work out what she would say. I am an only child. I'm 31, my mum had me when she was 42. This feels like a really long death process. I'm quite a 'keep ploughing on' person when it comes to anxiety. I'm a professional musician so I perform a lot and I get used to riding the adrenalin and only letting go and crying or whatever after the event. But with this event it goes on for years. I am totally fine, and also really not fine. And then I get annoyed at myself because it's not about me, it's about my mum. I surprise myself with occasional bouts of crying and thought I would write something on here. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Feeling sad and guilty
- Thread starter tootyruthy
- Start date
I have a son and a daughter around your age and if I was in your mother's position, I would be telling them that their priority should not be me, but their own children, my grandchildren. No question.
Your little six year old should not have to have her childhood compromised by what you know in your heart would be an unworkable situation. Those next few years will pass so quickly so let her enjoy the pleasure of her grandad's company. You will see such a difference in him too when your mum goes into the CH.
You will all still have a big role to play in your mum's future care; it's just that the care will be shared by a professional team and you as a family can go back to being a loving husband and daughter rather than stressed out carers.
We wish you well and do let us know how it goes.
Your little six year old should not have to have her childhood compromised by what you know in your heart would be an unworkable situation. Those next few years will pass so quickly so let her enjoy the pleasure of her grandad's company. You will see such a difference in him too when your mum goes into the CH.
You will all still have a big role to play in your mum's future care; it's just that the care will be shared by a professional team and you as a family can go back to being a loving husband and daughter rather than stressed out carers.
We wish you well and do let us know how it goes.
tootyruthy,
from what you've written it sounds like you've made the wisest and kindest choice for everyone. Your circumstances have *inbuilt* guilt because she's your mum. No matter what you do that'll be a part of it. I hope you can trust in yourself and your decision. It's a hard station no matter what way one looks at it.
Hope you post as you need.
from what you've written it sounds like you've made the wisest and kindest choice for everyone. Your circumstances have *inbuilt* guilt because she's your mum. No matter what you do that'll be a part of it. I hope you can trust in yourself and your decision. It's a hard station no matter what way one looks at it.
Hope you post as you need.
You are doing the best thing for your mum... it would be hard to explain to your little girl why her grandma is how she is & you don't want to have the strain of it all affecting your marriage either.
Hi there. You have all done so well so far. Please don't feel bad. My mum was also a midwife/ health visitor and looked after everyone. She didn't have dementia, but had cancer. She insisted- was adamant- that she went into a hospice as she didn't want me or dad being stressed by looking after her at home when she was really ill. I tried my best for a year to keep dad at home after she died, but had to let go and dad is in CH. Your mum would want what's best for you all in the long term, I'm sure. X
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It may help you to think of what your 'old', pre-dementia mum would have said. I would bet she would say you are doing exactly the right thing.
And I'm sure she would not have wantedyou to be feeling so very bad and guilty on her behalf.
However I'm sure most of us feel awful when we make the care home decision, even when we know there is no other way any more.
But in many cases these awful feelings do pass.
All the best.
And I'm sure she would not have wantedyou to be feeling so very bad and guilty on her behalf.
However I'm sure most of us feel awful when we make the care home decision, even when we know there is no other way any more.
But in many cases these awful feelings do pass.
All the best.
Witzend, Molly, Kiki and Gwendy - Thankyou all so much for your thoughts and your time. It is really helpful to know that other people have similar experiences and feelings. It is reassuring to hear your thoughts, and it also makes it feel more real for me to be able to discuss it. Thankyou.
