Feeling resentful.... :-(

[Mumof3kids]

Just wanting to rant and although my friends ask how things are going with everything, I am very conscious that I never answer positively.... since there is always some problem/crisis that I am occupied with. So rather than rant to them, I thought here you'd understand !

As I've posted before, it's my dad with VD, I'd say mid stage but who really knows? My mum acts as his carer but she just sees herself as his wife. Recently though (early Dec) my mum's health hasn't been great and she has had mobility issues preventing her from getting out of the house.

On top of all the regular jobs I've slowly inherited, I've also been making daily house calls, doing their shopping, cooking their evening meals. I'm their daughter, I live 10 mins away. Of course I would do this for them.

As you will all relate, most days feel like Ground Hog Day.

My brother lives 400 odd miles away - so I know there's not a lot he can do. Until recently I have kept him up to date with Mum and Dad's situation, and I find it hard to take when he makes 'suggestions of what I should do!!!' Although since my life has been taken over by the extra stuff I'm helping with, I've not had time to drop him a quick text.... and then it dawned on me he hasn't been in touch with me or telephoned our parents to see how they are. I work fulltime, have 3 kids and a hubby who is very supported. But I have found myself becoming increasingly resentful of him getting on with his life. I've deactivated my Facebook account as I couldn't bear seeing photos of his life and the fact that he has the luxury of a social life especially over the Xmas period and enjoying a NY break !!!

I know that reading this back it probably makes me sound very childish. But it's how I feel. I am taking time off work to sit in on their meeting with their financial adviser, taking time off work to take mum for routine check ups at the hospital and doctors, to take dad to his podiatry and memory clinic appointments sorting out the LPA, getting their car MOT'd, helping mum keep up with all the finances (since dad used to deal with everything) so seeing my brother having a whale of a time just really gets to me.

Sorry. Rant over

 

[karaokePete]

Rant away.

You don't sound childish.

I would feel the same and would also have dropped FB to protect myself from negative feelings with which we only hurt ourselves.

Please keep posting for support.

In the meantime, I hope you don't mind me sending you a supportive (((HUG)))

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi @Mumof3kids Your brother is out of sight and probably happy with that. I didn't completely drop facebook but I have made it so that I cannot see my brother and SIL's posts. To be frank I was sick of seeing their faces posing in front of there latest fat dinner out somewhere and I don't want to see their holiday photos' which they had seven of last year. I just am not interested. Even more annoying is the fact that they live a five minute walk from dad whereas I have to drive there. I also check dad's phone so I know who does and doesn't phone him.

To be fair brother has stepped in to help out more recently so I get the odd day off but you can bet I will spend that day sorting something out for dad.

You are bound to be resentful but things are not going to improve and you can find yourself sucked in to caring far more than you ever intended. I am not sure what the answer is but you have your own family and will end up being run ragged very soon. It can effect your health if it goes on and you are unlikely to get any thanks.

You are not being childish at all.

 

[jugglingmum]

I deleted my brother from my facebook friends when he really annoyed me over mum's care, said the wrong thing to hospital staff which resulted in me having to use annual leave to sort things out. At the time my son was 9 so it was time I would have spent with him.

Brother is fairly useless partly due to depression but that isn't my fault or responsibility.

Can you take a step back and review what you do and pay carers to do some of it eg evening meals. Using mum and dad's funds. If you get ill or suffer carers breakdown you are not use to anyone, not least your kids so try and put something in place now if you can.

 

[Mumof3kids]

Rant away.

You don't sound childish.

I would feel the same and would also have dropped FB to protect myself from negative feelings with which we only hurt ourselves.

Please keep posting for support.

In the meantime, I hope you don't mind me sending you a supportive (((HUG)))

Hug greatly received. Thank you.

And thank you for understanding.

I know Facebook (or Fakebook as I call it) is full of folk wanting you to think their life is better than yours.... normally I just scroll through all the ****, but at the moment I haven't got the energy to do that.... especially when it's my own brother posting !!

x

 

[Mumof3kids]

Hi @Mumof3kids Your brother is out of sight and probably happy with that. I didn't completely drop facebook but I have made it so that I cannot see my brother and SIL's posts. To be frank I was sick of seeing their faces posing in front of there latest fat dinner out somewhere and I don't want to see their holiday photos' which they had seven of last year. I just am not interested. Even more annoying is the fact that they live a five minute walk from dad whereas I have to drive there. I also check dad's phone so I know who does and doesn't phone him.

To be fair brother has stepped in to help out more recently so I get the odd day off but you can bet I will spend that day sorting something out for dad.

You are bound to be resentful but things are not going to improve and you can find yourself sucked in to caring far more than you ever intended. I am not sure what the answer is but you have your own family and will end up being run ragged very soon. It can effect your health if it goes on and you are unlikely to get any thanks.

You are not being childish at all.

It's so good to hear other people feel the same..... I knew posting on here was the right place!

I find meditation really helps keep me positive, but I know you are so right that I have to look after my own family and I can't sustain the care I'm currently giving. I also worry that unintentionally my mum is becoming to rely on my daily visits as it gives her a conversation.

We didn't go on holiday last year as I just couldn't have left them on their own. I am considering asking my brother to come and stay in my house this summer for a week so we can get away - but he's good at being really busy at work, and not being able to get time off..... I have tried in the past.

Thanks for listening and taking the time to reply.

x

 

[Mumof3kids]

I deleted my brother from my facebook friends when he really annoyed me over mum's care, said the wrong thing to hospital staff which resulted in me having to use annual leave to sort things out. At the time my son was 9 so it was time I would have spent with him.

Brother is fairly useless partly due to depression but that isn't my fault or responsibility.

Can you take a step back and review what you do and pay carers to do some of it eg evening meals. Using mum and dad's funds. If you get ill or suffer carers breakdown you are not use to anyone, not least your kids so try and put something in place now if you can.

Thanks @jugglingmum - my husband says that to me all the time - about taking a step back and reviewing the situation. My mum is just so mithered with dad's illness - it took her a long time to actual accept he has VD - and now we're still not allowed to say the 'D' word.

I did suffer a horrible panic attack a couple of years ago when everything got too much, so I do know it can overwhelm and exhaust you. I have suggested carers but at the moment it falls on deaf ears. Unfortunately my lovely mum tends to bury her head in the sand, which is no us to anyone.

But I will give a serious think of how I can lighten the load.

Thank you xx

 

[canary]

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) @Mumof3kids
Unfortunately all the while you are plugging the gaps your mum will see no need for anyone else

 

[Fullticket]

I also had an invisible brother. Yes he has six kids and I have none and yes, he lives 200 miles away. But I put my life on hold for about 10 years, moved her in with us and cared for her. The other option was to leave her living on her own and commute 26 miles across London three times a week. My life, as yours, was filled with accounts, appointments, shopping, dealing with the authorities, and then clearing up incontinence, keeping her occupied, just relating to her.
I had to remove my invisible brother from my life, otherwise I would have self imploded. I found that by pretending he didn't exist, it became easier for me not to feel resentful (about him anyway). Any phone calls had to be generated by him, I didn't read his FB or any other social media. I felt a bit better. Of course, if she was hospitalised (and towards the end that was pretty often) I left a message. In the three and a half years after we moved he saw his mother three times, plus two days before she died, in hospital.
Left to my own devices I found I could cope a lot better. I got help, I got carers, and I concentrated on keeping myself sane and mum and I well cared for.
After my mother died, I didn't make a big effort to contact my brother but relationships are better in that he does ring me occasionally. So what do I put it down to? Him not wanting to get involved because it would have caused him work; him not wanting to get involved because he did not want to confront old age/dementia? No idea and it matters less.
Keep venting on here, there is always someone to listen to you.

 

[jugglingmum]

I have suggested carers but at the moment it falls on deaf ears.

Somehow you have to take control, if you have LPA register it, and use it to pay for someone, tell your mum that they need some work experience/free trial scheme from the council whatever works.

You need to take that holiday, in 5 years time you could still be running round after them, it might make them realise the help they need. It might even trigger a mini crisis that will result in care that makes them as well as you happier.

 

[Mumof3kids]

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) @Mumof3kids
Unfortunately all the while you are plugging the gaps your mum will see no need for anyone else

#@canary

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) @Mumof3kids
Unfortunately all the while you are plugging the gaps your mum will see no need for anyone else

@canary I know you're right.... it's such an impossible situation. I hate this disease. xxx

 

[Mumof3kids]

I also had an invisible brother. Yes he has six kids and I have none and yes, he lives 200 miles away. But I put my life on hold for about 10 years, moved her in with us and cared for her. The other option was to leave her living on her own and commute 26 miles across London three times a week. My life, as yours, was filled with accounts, appointments, shopping, dealing with the authorities, and then clearing up incontinence, keeping her occupied, just relating to her.
I had to remove my invisible brother from my life, otherwise I would have self imploded. I found that by pretending he didn't exist, it became easier for me not to feel resentful (about him anyway). Any phone calls had to be generated by him, I didn't read his FB or any other social media. I felt a bit better. Of course, if she was hospitalised (and towards the end that was pretty often) I left a message. In the three and a half years after we moved he saw his mother three times, plus two days before she died, in hospital.
Left to my own devices I found I could cope a lot better. I got help, I got carers, and I concentrated on keeping myself sane and mum and I well cared for.
After my mother died, I didn't make a big effort to contact my brother but relationships are better in that he does ring me occasionally. So what do I put it down to? Him not wanting to get involved because it would have caused him work; him not wanting to get involved because he did not want to confront old age/dementia? No idea and it matters less.
Keep venting on here, there is always someone to listen to you.

Thank you for your reply.... I really appreciate it. It's good for me to know I'm not the only one xx

 

[Mumof3kids]

Hi Mumof3kids

You’re so not childish at all. I would feel and did feel once, similar to you with an absent sibling who played no part with care for our mum....all her appointments I gladly took her to, cooked all her meals, shopping, gardening etc when at the same time I was working, looking after my baby granddaughter 2 days a week and living 20 miles away. Up and down that motorway I flew several times a week...I was happy to do it all but angered that my brother didn’t give one jot about caring for his mum or be of any practical help whatsoever. Carers coming in eventually really helped - didn’t solve everything but at least mum was checked daily and it gave me some peace of mind at the time....would you be able to talk things through with your mum? Anyway, you’ve definitely come to the best place to get things off your chest - always an ear here for you at anytime

@Ducky601 it really does help knowing others have been in my shoes. I think I'm going to have to think of way around getting those carers in. xx

 

[TheBearsMummy]

We got around having carers twice a day by saying the doctor sent them to help her take her tablets and if they were sent away she would have to go into hospital, nothing we could do about it as it was doctors orders...it's just until you get back on your feet...
After a bit of a rocky start where she refused to let them in they cottoned on to asking about the cat and saying they had been sent to see him. She now accepts them as part of the day's routine, they come in and make her a coffee and something to eat then have a little chat and fuss the cat.
Anything she is resistant to we blame on the doctor or council with the back up of they will call social services in if she refuses help and "we don't want that do we"
Please try and step back a little bit to take time for yourself and your family, the years pass too quickly your children need your time now.
Once you have carers in place you can look at making this years holiday one your children will enjoy and remember as a happy time.
Someone on this forum has a Guilt Monster Bashing Stick I think you will benefit from borrowing it.
Keep ranting here it helps to get perspective (((Bear hugs always help)))

 

[AliceA]

Three kids and a husband seems a handful at the best of times.
Forget about your brother, sometimes bad help is worse than no help. Less interference too.
Facebook, really is Fakebook.
Full of sweets made of plastic. People invent their lives on it then show an edited version.

Quiet and meditation sounds good, I pepper my day with positive messages on my iPad/books from groups with a similar philosophy to my own. Gentle reminders that make me smile as they can be so appropriate to my day.

I could be your mum's age or even older, it takes a while to adjust. It is difficult having strangers in when there is an 'easier' option. Help her find alternatives.
Find ways of simplify her life just remember she is your mother as probaly sees the problems more than you realise. She cares for you too as ever.
Do be honest with her explain your difficulties, what your suggestions are and ask her for her ideas.
Could they go on holiday somewhere while you go away. Somewhere where a bit of support is available.
Being honest is important, but sometimes on a need to know basis.
We too do not use the word dementia except on forms, it is not one illness but many, presenting in an individual way. My husband dislikes it.
Caring for someone you fell in love with, shared so much with is different, she is grieving too.

Think of what you need to rescue your life, prioritise, look after your self. Check out any health issues, nurture yourself then you can help others. Just take care of yourself. A big hug, be kind to yourself. X

 

[Mumof3kids]

We got around having carers twice a day by saying the doctor sent them to help her take her tablets and if they were sent away she would have to go into hospital, nothing we could do about it as it was doctors orders...it's just until you get back on your feet...
After a bit of a rocky start where she refused to let them in they cottoned on to asking about the cat and saying they had been sent to see him. She now accepts them as part of the day's routine, they come in and make her a coffee and something to eat then have a little chat and fuss the cat.
Anything she is resistant to we blame on the doctor or council with the back up of they will call social services in if she refuses help and "we don't want that do we"
Please try and step back a little bit to take time for yourself and your family, the years pass too quickly your children need your time now.
Once you have carers in place you can look at making this years holiday one your children will enjoy and remember as a happy time.
Someone on this forum has a Guilt Monster Bashing Stick I think you will benefit from borrowing it.
Keep ranting here it helps to get perspective (((Bear hugs always help)))

@TheBearsMummy thank you for your words of wisdom. Unfortunately to get any progress with anything, we seemed to have to wait for a crisis to happen first. Dad has good and bad and horrendous days. When he has a good day, my mum forgets the bad and the ugly and thinks he's ok..... she doesn't want to hear what I have to say, like I've said. She buries her head. The only reason she agreed to the first steps of taking him to the GP to be referred to the Memory clinic was because my hubby called round unannounced and heard my dad screaming hysterically in the garden and saw my mum in tears. She'd be hiding that from us. Not sure for how long. But your words resonate and I know things need to change. Thank you for the hug x

 

[jugglingmum]

Unfortunately to get any progress with anything, we seemed to have to wait for a crisis to happen first.

Sadly sometimes that is what you have to wait for, your mum thinks you should be doing it I suspect. My mum is of the generation that men worked and women only did if they werent
needed at home, as she was born in 1930. If you can be firm and force your mum to have help, that might work, otherwise for the sake of your health and your kids, you need to step back, visit less, and let the crisis happen, better to happen in a small way than in a big way, so that you can get them to accept help.

 

[Mumof3kids]

Three kids and a husband seems a handful at the best of times.
Forget about your brother, sometimes bad help is worse than no help. Less interference too.
Facebook, really is Fakebook.
Full of sweets made of plastic. People invent their lives on it then show an edited version.

Quiet and meditation sounds good, I pepper my day with positive messages on my iPad/books from groups with a similar philosophy to my own. Gentle reminders that make me smile as they can be so appropriate to my day.

I could be your mum's age or even older, it takes a while to adjust. It is difficult having strangers in when there is an 'easier' option. Help her find alternatives.
Find ways of simplify her life just remember she is your mother as probaly sees the problems more than you realise. She cares for you too as ever.
Do be honest with her explain your difficulties, what your suggestions are and ask her for her ideas.
Could they go on holiday somewhere while you go away. Somewhere where a bit of support is available.
Being honest is important, but sometimes on a need to know basis.
We too do not use the word dementia except on forms, it is not one illness but many, presenting in an individual way. My husband dislikes it.
Caring for someone you fell in love with, shared so much with is different, she is grieving too.

Think of what you need to rescue your life, prioritise, look after your self. Check out any health issues, nurture yourself then you can help others. Just take care of yourself. A big hug, be kind to yourself. X

@AliceA Wow. Thank you so much for your reply. It touched me very deeply and actually brought tears. I think tears of relief that someone can 'get' our situation so accurately, even though we're strangers. Like you say, this illness is not just one - ironically the lack of dad's short term memory I can cope with. And the kids just answer the same question over and over and over. It's the personality change, the lack of empathy, the paranoia, the aggression that I hate. I know it's the illness, but sometimes it's hard to separate it from the person.

I will take your words and advice and hopefully we will muddle through and find ourselves at the next stage of this journey, which will hopefully involve carers. I do think if I can get them to accept the help, it would be something that they'd both look forward to each day. Their worlds are so small these days, apart from the odd phone call, it can often just be me and my family that they see. When I pop round she'll often come into the kitchen and sit and reflect on their lives together (they've been married 52 years in March). She is grieving. As am I. Thank you x

 

[AliceA]

@AliceA Wow. Thank you so much for your reply. It touched me very deeply and actually brought tears. I think tears of relief that someone can 'get' our situation so accurately, even though we're strangers. Like you say, this illness is not just one - ironically the lack of dad's short term memory I can cope with. And the kids just answer the same question over and over and over. It's the personality change, the lack of empathy, the paranoia, the aggression that I hate. I know it's the illness, but sometimes it's hard to separate it from the person.

I will take your words and advice and hopefully we will muddle through and find ourselves at the next stage of this journey, which will hopefully involve carers. I do think if I can get them to accept the help, it would be something that they'd both look forward to each day. Their worlds are so small these days, apart from the odd phone call, it can often just be me and my family that they see. When I pop round she'll often come into the kitchen and sit and reflect on their lives together (they've been married 52 years in March). She is grieving. As am I. Thank you x

I was lucky I was forwarned about the lack of empathy. It is difficult to take when someone who was so caring just looks with dispassion while one struggles.
You are right if you can get someone to go in regularly they could become a 'friend', it could brighten up their day.
Those of us who have had the care of children remember the 'what's that' phase, the answer had to be answered over and over again! I try to just put myself in a slower patient gear!
The best gift you can give is to listen to your mothers reflections, they help to make sense of this present challenge. We have been married for over sixties years, ruefully I think in the early days I longed to be together 24/7,
When I look at my beloved I remind myself of the younger version of us both. The adventure of our journey.
There are many reasons for difficult behaviour, but often quiet routines, constant reassurance, do oil the situation. Often it is caused by fear, people need to take time as things take longer to sink in and be understood.
An aunt threatened the nurses with her walking stick, it was so out of character but she was just very frightened.
Sometimes it is a progression, sometimes an infection. If any of you are in physical danger that is different.

Take care, sleep well. Alice xxx