Feeling Really Guilty and Upset

[Anonymous4now]

I am a part time caregiver to my mom. She is very sick with heart disease and her personality has changed a lot. She is suffering and I know this. I dont know what to do. She calls a lot and tells me about all the bad stuff that is going on in her life, not just about her illness, but about how this one did this and that one did that. She also swears using the f*** word, which is really new! I am Saying she is not who she used to be. Anyway, she gets real angry at me.
She was really upset today about a bill she got. She said she didn’t know who sent it and they want to evict her. Then she told me she found out that its not her rent that is due but some other thing. The bill is for the new locks on her door. They had to change the locks when they broke in when she fell. So, I said, really stupidly, do you know how to write a check?
What is wrong with me that I said this, I don’t know. Thinking out loud and stressed is a bad way to be. Well, I really got it. Wow. She starts screaming at me and telling me that I am horrible and putting her down all the time. And, me I got so confused. I guess I did. I tried to fix it by saying, that well, Mom, you know, I thought you didn’t know who to send the bill to? She had said that the bill did not say it was for her locks. Then I found out she had talked to my brother and he had told her this. I know it is my fault and I should not have said “do you know how to write a check?”. I was wrong. I apologized. I feel bad. I am tried of her always saying things and then later on says she never said that. As little as two minutes later, she says “I never said that”. I hate hearing “I don’t like you anymore”. Almost sounds like a child talking to me. Other times she says I am caring. So confused and guilty. I feel like a fish being thrown in the water and reeled back in. I cant get this right.

 

[Cat27]

Very few of get it right. I'm wrong far more than I'm right.
We just muddle on & try our best.

 

[looviloo]

Don't feel bad - it sounds like your mum's idea of what she's capable of and what you think she's capable of are different, that's all. And she sounds angry/sensitive about any suggestion that she might not be able to manage something... is that correct? It's a tricky situation, but you are doing your best and that's all we can do.

My dad is 87 and in the middle stages of vascular dementia, and still gets annoyed that he doesn't have his driving license anymore, or that he can't live at home on his own, or that he can't jump on the bus and pop to the shops by himself... his ability to reason has diminished and I no longer discuss these issues with him. I nod, listen to his complaints, make sympathetic noises and move the conversation on. Perhaps you need to find ways of talking to your mum that cause the least aggravation, and the only way to do that is try it and see what happens... maybe asking questions in a different way would work better? For instance, get into the habit of asking 'would you like me to do that for you?'.

All the changes are difficult to cope with, so take one step at a time, and keep posting here because there's a lot of support and good advice!

 

[Mrsbusy]

I think everyone on this site has sometime done exactly the same as you, and also got both barrels shot at you in reply. Some days the sufferer doesn't take things well, sometimes they do, and you're meant to know their mindset beforehand!

She doesn't sounds as though she is come to terms with everything bless her, and may find it all so confusing etc and as you found out I think you hit a nerve with your comment. It was bound to happen, and it will happen again, but don't beat yourself up about it. You are doing the best you can with a situation that is horrible, and the goal posts change hourly sometimes like the weather.

Don't dwell on it, don't mention it to her again, she may have forgotten about it now, and learn ways of double checking things she has done without actually asking her eg check her post etc or another time even ask her if you can pay the bill over the phone for her, then she will know it's done and she won't have to rely on the postal service.

Basically she is starting to feel vulnerable, and not independent as she has always been and is maybe resentful of that, which is understandable.