Feeling really down

[Vanessa]

Hi.
My Mum is really deteriorating. Both parents came to stay recently. It was really stressful. Dad gets so angry with Mum. That upsets me. Mum's vocab is diminishing. It can be so frustrating for her since we don't understand what she wants immediately. Sometimes we never know what she means. It has taken me about 2 weeks to recover from their visit. I was exhausted and drained.
I am devastated as I never anticipated losing my Mum so young. Who does?? She is 63, I am 37. I feel she is no longer a Mother figure to me. I feel very torn as I am on the opposite side of the world, yet have my husband and kids here. I have been having awful dreams about Mum and wake up feeling as tired as I was the night before.
Anyone else feeling like this?

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Vanessa,

This is how it gets to you, a long slow torture, as you see a once vibrant person gradually losing life`s skills.

I`m sure everyone feels as you do as there`s no other way to feel. Your mother is two years younger than I am...........it`s cruel.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better but it would only be a platitude.

Take care

Love xx

 

[cariad]

Hi, I'm 36 and my mam is 64 (she lives with me). I totally understand what you are saying about your mother no longer being a mother figure. It is totally role reversal with me and my mam. It is truly heart breaking to watch my mam decline. I also remember feeling annoyed that my Dad would be impatient with my Mam (he died suddenly 3 months ago). Now that she lives with me full time I totally totally understand the way he was.
If I can give you some advice, you can't change what is happeneng to your mam but you can change the way you respond to her. Accept that she has changed and it will make life easier. Give your Dad all the support you can. My Dad used to appreciate me phoning my mam. She wouldn't say much, I did all the talking but it's a welcome break (caring can be so tiring and intense).
I think everyone feels like you do. Dementia is draining not just for the sufferer. It's like a slow torture as far as I am concerned. All you can do is ensure your Mam gets the care and support that she needs and so too your Dad. We are always here to give each other support/advice/just to listen,
love Berni

 

[rhallacroz]

Dont despair

Hi There
I know how you feel the last quote was so right though I think you have to accept your mum the way she is now. I think they call it the grieving process except with us it starts before the end of life. My dad is like your mum and it is heartbreaking I think it has taken me about 2 years to accept that my dad is the way he is and that the roles have reversed the sooner you come to that point the easier it becomes. THat sounds like it is a piece of cake then it isn;t but I think there comes a point in all this that the pain is so unbearable that you can only take so much before you have to accept the situation and then concentrate on the practicallites of the situation which are many. Please try and take care of yourself surround yourself with an imaginery bubble and try and protect your inner self otherwise you will be ill .
Keep smiling and try to find the funny side of things there believe me . For instance my dad likes to go to bed with his top teeth(denture) in situ but sadly we have a dog who also likes to chew them when he can get his hands on them so most nights we fight to get hold of his teeth its either the dog or my mum who wins!!!
Keep smiling

 

[Laylabud]

Dear Vanessa,

I really feel for you, everyone here on TP will go through or have already gone through what you are at the moment and the feelings you have.
It has been said many times over this illness is very cruel not only for the sufferer but also for the family.
My Mum lived me until recently when she became violent and aggressive towards me, after a battle with her and the doctors i got her into an assement unit, she went there in june this year and is still there and is getting worse by the week.
It is like you said a total roll reversal and the mother that has been there for you all your life has gone just her physical being is still there, it is something that i am trying to come to terms with still. Don't feel torn you still have your husband and children to care for and knowing how much you love your Mum all you can do at this moment is just be there for her when they need you.
You can phone them daily and i am sure your Dad would like to speak to you just so he can off load a bit. You have to stay strong not only for them but yourself as well.
Keep strong and well.

 

[Les]

Hello Vanessa, my heart goes out to you. I am 36 and my family has been going through this with my father, who has AD and is 71. He has had it for 10 years. I completely sympathise with all your worries and fears. The Dad I love and look up to has all but vanished now, and there is very little left. My mum has cared for him since the beginning, and only today is he going into a care home, for the first time, and hopefully permanently. It is ripping me apart, but I know it's for the best. Because although my father is the one who is ill, (and the role reversal with him happened many years ago - I wept the first time I bathed and toileted him, and the first time I spoon-fed him) it's my mother I need to support now. And the role reversal exists there too - I do everything I can to look after my mother, even though I too live a long way away. She is exhausted and upset and she needs me to be strong for her. It took me a long time to come to terms with how angry she can be with my father, the shouting and accusing. But now that I have looked after him myself many times, i completely understand. And when I spend time with them, I can see past the occasional shouting to the love she feels for him, despite everything. She angry at the disease rather than him. It still hurts me so much when she snaps, but i try to hold back the remonstrations, because deep down i understand.. And Mum is now my primary concern.
It's never easy, but it becomes part of your life. I worry and cry a lot, but I can do it. And if pathetic old me can do this, then you can too. Hang in there.
Love
Lesley

 

[Tender Face]

Dear Vanessa, different circumstances ........

It has taken me about 2 weeks to recover from their visit.

If it's any consolation to anyone, I confess a 10 minute visit to my mum can take me a couple of hours to recover from at times ........

wake up feeling as tired as I was the night before.

I take my hat off to anyone who can/does care on a 24/7 basis ..... but a truth about this disease (IMHO) is that whatever our circumstances / geographic limitations / relationships ...... the emotional drain is 24/7 relentless .......

Sounds to me like you need to be taking some TLC of yourself (says she who still quite hasn't mastered how to )....

You are definitely NOT alone!

Love, Karen, x

 

[christine_batch]

Even after visiting my husband in E.M.I. Unit, I come away completely drained and so upset. Peter was diagnoised with A.D. at 58 and is now 62. Although I know he is in the best N.H. I could find (run like a 5 star hotel) staff are brilliant but each day I still miss him, worry over him.
From the begining of A.D./Dementia we are Carers' even when they go into N.H. the Caring part does not go away. In my personel situation, I know I could not have done anymore as I am disabled and my husband is receiving 24/7 care.
Then there is the family, they still worry and care and it does affect everyone around them.
Best wishes. christine

 

[Skye]

Even after visiting my husband in E.M.I. Unit, I come away completely drained and so upset.

I know the feeling, Christine.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I'd no idea it would be so hard.

Love,