Feeling quite sad

rainbow 54

Registered User
Jul 3, 2006
Hi Everyone,
Thought i would just let you all know what has happened since we last spoke.
I have called the district nurse in because just by chance i notice that my Mum has a bed sore now. I only notice it because the latest thing is she is saying she has washed but she hasnt and i notice that day she smelled a little of urine so i asked her if i could just give her a quick wash,when i notices the sore.District nurse came and dresses it said he would come back in a week and this special dressing would stay on till then but if it came off he lefted me a couple well guess what the next day and day after it was off i had to put on more. Also i have to now change the nightdress and clothes nearly every day as i can smell urine of she has not wiped her self properly and there is bit of excrement on them.i also notice she has not been cleaning her teeth. Oh this is not my lovely Mum she was always so elegant and emaclate,she would be broken if she knew i was saying these things.
She is now nearly imobile can only walk a short way,and she has now taken to staying up in the bedroom,and does not want to come down to the lounge,does not listen to her music anymore just pretends she is reading,sometime she tells you what the book is about and what is on the tv and i get so hopeful and think no its not dementia its just her age,then she does something strange again.
I must also admit as much as i dont want to i just cant kiss and cuddle her anymore i try but i just cant and i hate myself for it,as my beautiful Mum was my life and i loved her with all my heart and had such a close relationship,i just cant understand why i feel like this, she trys to cuddle me but i pull back what is wrong with me it not normal to feel like this,I just want my mum back and i know she is not coming. oh sorry i am really feeling sorry for myself dont mean too. Thanks everyone for listeningx


Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
Hi Rainbow
I know exactly what you're going through
Mum ,every day tells me she's washed....I know she hasn't...every day I have to insist she showers but we go through the same palava of her telling me she doesn't need to because she's already washed! What gives it away is her bed is always soaking wet and ,obviously her nightwear too...but she has no idea how much it pongs!(only one week to go until her appointment at the continence clinic!!!!!)
My mum too was always so clean and well-groomed and its so hard to see the decline....but its the bl***y illness again,not your mum.....
I also know what you mean about the kisses and cuddles....I too hold back and it feels sooooo bad......I try and force myself which makes me feel even worse
Yes you want your old mum back and its hard to feel the love because your mum is no longer there but there will be times when she returns ....all too briefly I know....but seize and cherish those moments:)


Registered User
May 14, 2006
It is possible to buy absorbent pads to go under the bottom sheet, which would catch some of the wetness and I think the district nurse might even supply them for you if you asked. Would lightweight pads (like sanitary pads) help to keep underwear and clothing fresher? Lady Tena and Poise can be bought in the supermarket or again the district nurse might supply something.
We organised a walk-in bath for my Mum, but she was only able to use it herself for a couple of years, so it was not very good value for money. A walk-in shower would be a lot cheaper to install and safer to use. Maybe the SS could arrange for a carer to come in to help with bathing, if it is a problem. We found a nurse, who we knew and she helped Mum bath herself, two or three times a week until she went into a care home.


Registered User
Dec 5, 2005
Hi Rainbow

You can get Kylie pads for the bed from the district nurse, You put them on top of the bottom sheet and they are wonderfully absorbant. We have used them for the past year and they save lots of washing. The nurse will aloso provide pads etc.

My sister was getting in a mess when she lived on her own and that was one of the reason s we moved her in with us so now she is clean and sweet smelling again.


Registered User
Feb 3, 2006
Hi Rainbow.
Don't feel sad, I am sure we all go through these emotions, I know I do.
My Mum has a loathing for washing, is smelly,says horrible things etc etc I feel guilty, sad, frustrated and angry that this horrible VD/AD has robbed me of my kind caring beautiful Mum.


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
rainbow 54

Your really going to need help on this issue with your mum and getting her wash .I only say this because it happen to me , why not get a carer in for an hour like I do to shower your mum .

I always hear people tell me that they mums say that if it happen to them remember them how they was B4 the illness , but that bring up emotion of sadness that stop me from loving my mum how she is now .

I like to tell them remember me how I was B4 mum illness caring loving daughter positive motivated always seeking out hugs from my mother , I live in the now with my mother its depressing seeing your mother my mother like she is now that’s why your feeling the way you are its normal don’t worry about it just do something about it.

She can’t help it we know that so why don’t you seek out a carer for her? which really is help for you as if it was not for a carer coming in the morning helping me with washing my mother I would be feeling just the way you are now , what we our seeing with our mother is not how they where , the brain is damage now its up to us to take control this is all part of the stresses of caring I am only telling you this because I care and it has happen to me in geting me down
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Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
You're bang on Margarita!
Your mum would be so proud of you!
Love Helen


Registered User
Feb 27, 2006

Dear Rainbow,
I too know exactly what you mean about being unable to hug and kiss your mother, and it make you feel so guilty and bad - and if anyone had told me that I would want to step away, sometimes run away, I would have told them they didn't know what they were talking about.
My mother, too, would be horrified - and furious too - if she knew that I talk about her at all. But we have to share these things, we have to let it out, and where better, where safer, than here?
Quite frankly the smell is sometimes just awful, and the teeth problems, and the loss of "eating manners" etc, but it's all a part of AD, and when our loved ones have been fastidious it's even worse. And yes, we know about the things that can be used, the pads, etc, but my mother just refuses to use such things and to be assisted so it's harder to help.
I wish I were a better person, but I've never been "nurse" material, I'm afraid, so there are limits to what I can do. Still, you just do what you can, and if the love is still there, then I'm sure your mother feels that with or without the same kind of close hugs.
All the very best to you, and don't feel so bad.


Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
My mother and I were never on huggy kissy terms, but during her illness I often stroked her hair and patted her hands, she liked that, generally soothed her when she was going into a strop.


Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
I feel the same way

Oh Rainbow, that's exactly how I feel some days. I force myself to kiss my mother hello & goodbye. When I'm having a good day, I can hug her more & walk holding her hand (& wash mine as soon as possible as she adores shoving her hand into her nether regions for a prolonged & enthusiastic scratch & rummage :eek: ).

I try & put things into a funny perspective because it's better to laugh than to cry. So when she told me to go to hell last weekend, I said "No problem, that's where I am right now."

But the mother I loved so much is gone. When I was in my 20s, I told my mother that she wasn't allowed to die before me because I couldn't possibly envision living in a world without her. Oh my, how all has changed now. It's not that I actively want her to die, it's just so hurtful to see her now. And to me her essence is gone. We just have a shell left.

You are not alone, we all have those feelings.

But it does sound like your mother would qualify for a long term care facility, especially the incontinence, bed sore and inability to walk properly. Forgive me for asking, but is there a reason she is still at home?

Take care of yourself


rainbow 54

Registered User
Jul 3, 2006
canadian joanne

Hi just thought i would reply i think some people misunderstood me a little my mum is not incontinent not yet what i meant was she does not pull her nightie up properly before she goes to the toilet,she does not soil the bed yet but the washing of herself has got a little better after me moaning.
The reason is that she lives with me now and has done for the last 3years she had a knee replacement 3 years ago and was fine and came to stay with me so i could care for her and she has never gone home and she has got worst as each year has gone past she was fine when she came out of hospital or was she i dont know its just began gradualy,she only lives 5 minutes away and has a lovely little house it is rented.She does not want to go home thought i would let you know.regards rainbow