Feeling ok- less than a month since mum died.

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by garfield3, Nov 5, 2019.

  1. garfield3

    garfield3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    #1 garfield3, Nov 5, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2019
    Dear good people,

    Hope you’re okay on this new journey and adjusting to a new life. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since the funeral and 4 weeks at the weekend since mum’s death. What is really scary is that it has gone so quickly. I feel ok. Had a bit of a cry at the funeral but not much. I’m crazy busy at work, new job and the boss is a psycho ***** from hell with OCD. Never come across someone so bad. Been here 6 weeks and looking at resigning. Dont think i can hack it. That’s another story though. I’m worried about dad because he’s on his own now . He sounds lost when I spoke to him on Thursday. He used to visit mum ever other day. What I’m trying to say is that I’m bothered that I’m okay. Expecting to be kicked in the **** soon over it. Will the grief come out later?

    Any ideas?

    Thanks. Sue xx
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    My husband died at roughly the same time and I’m coping too. Of course we are - that’s what we do. Missing someone or grieving doesn’t follow a pattern it will happen in its own way but life has to continue. My sister in law would like me to be sobbing and dramatic but I have banned her from discussing it with me. I do emotions my way and not for attention.

    If you are working with a difficult boss I guess there is more than enough pressure on you at present.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    If it does, you'll deal with it I`m sure.

    I found a sense of relief the suffering was over even though there was an emptiness. After a while the novelty wore off and I realised this loss was permanent. It came as a bit of a shock because I thought I was doing so well, but it`s life and has to be accepted.
  4. mumsgone

    mumsgone Registered User

    Dec 23, 2015
    I would say that perhaps you are still in remote control mode and that grief hits different people in different ways. If one day you find yourself in floods of tears over something that may seem trivial let the tears flow it's your bodies coping mechanism. just look after yourselves and do whatever you feel you need to take care xx
  5. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    You may just be a person that finds it hard to shed tears. I have never actually cried for my Mum, who died two years ago now. In the aftermath, I had the funeral, the interment of the ashes, and the execution of her will - before that, when she was alive, I had to sell her house and get her into care - and I have five brothers and sisters, one of them hostile & critical, to deal with. So of course I held it together - it was my duty to do so.

    Naturally, you are having to cope because of your work situation and also because you have to be strong for your Dad. It is a coping mechanism, and completely natural. .

    What I'm saying is, I still miss Mum terribly and feel very sad, but it hit me later, and never in an overt display or in tears. The same may well happen to you, but don't feel guilty because you are not overwhelmed - it doesn't change the fact that you loved your Mum and did your best for her.

    Let yourself feel what you feel - very best wishes for your difficult situation. xx
  6. Daffy123

    Daffy123 Registered User

    Feb 1, 2018
    It's a little over five weeks for me. Struggling to adjust to the new reality. Some of the shock is beginning to pass. All I can do is take it day buy day, but keep going.
  7. garfield3

    garfield3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    Very true . Me too. Try very hard not to show serious emotion. So sorry to hear about your husband. Hang in there. Sending strength. Thanks for your reply.
  8. garfield3

    garfield3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    Sorry Daffy 123 for your loss. Yes, day by day. What gets me is things have sort of stopped for us but life goes on . I know that's life but.... take care.xx
  9. garfield3

    garfield3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    Thanks for all your replies. It's nice to know we're not alone. Xx
  10. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    East Midlands
    I think the first few weeks are very much auto pilot as there is a lot of stuff to do & then you actually start to think oh my mum died x amount of time ago. It’s just over 7 mths for me now. For me, things tend to happen in life that you no longer think the same way about.
    when my dad died in 2000, it definitely brought on me splitting up with my partner at the time as I knew I wasn’t happy with him. It is kind of like your brain goes, life is too short not to be happy & then you go & do something about it!
    The same thing happened after my mum died & I was in an awful relationship & somehow I found the strength to finish it & get into a happy place.
    A death tends to magnify all that isn’t great in your life & reminds you that you have the power to change it! Xx
  11. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    Hi @garfield3, I didn't cry at all even though I felt absolutely devastated when Mum passed, we were always very close and I gave up work to help her in last year, as she supported me when my partner passed away suddenly years earlier. I would say I just felt numb and hollow. What I do think is that bereavement following dementia is complicated and confusing. I cried many times in the rather traumatic 2 year period before Mum passed away, and all the awful things that we all witness caring for a loved one with dementia. It's 10 months since Mum passed and I still feel the loss terribly,I ended up going to bereavement counselling earlier this year (something I could never have envisaged) and it did help, but I think it just takes time. All the best. .
  12. Daffy123

    Daffy123 Registered User

    Feb 1, 2018
    Yes, it feels like an upside down world. It’s going to take time to get used to this new reality.
  13. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    @garfield3 it is possible that you have grieved throughout dementias process; but I expect something at some point will bring tears. It normally catches you unawares, at Christmas I’m emotionally charged anyway.

    I didn’t cry at all after my Grandparents passed away, I had done my grieving as they faded away with dementia over the years. The relief that they were no longer suffering & at peace was a huge comfort & I felt relieved about that.

    I have shed bucket loads of tears for all that Mum & Dad have lost through their dementia journey. How will I react when that finality comes, relief will play a big part but I know that my life will be mine again & I acknowledge that part of me.
    Meanwhile I often cry at the strangest of things!

    so perhaps I am working through the grieving process now as I’m finally at acceptance of dementia & the limitations of care available.

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