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Feeling of loss unable to visit care home

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
64
0
East Yorkshire
My husband has Lewy Body Dementia. We started to struggle at home. In July this year he was admitted to hospital. It was felt we would no longer cope and he was admitted to a care home. I was unable to see inside the Home. I have one 15 minute window visit week. I am being eaten up with guilt for putting him there. Loss of my husband and our loving relationship. I am feeling so low. I'm grieving but he is still alive. I just can't bear the separation. Does anyone feel like a chat who is feeling the same?
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
57
0
Hi there, my mum went in to care in July also. I’m feeling very similar as visits have been so restricted and difficult and my mum has entered a further decline and now can’t walk or talk. It’s such an impossible situation to be in.
 

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
64
0
East Yorkshire
My husband has also deteriorated since going in the home. Without familiarity and family contact, we are losing him. His mobility has also deteriorated. We used to go for a walk every day. He is now not allowed out and is often brought to the window in a wheelchair. I'm so tired of fighting for our rights. I've tried everything.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
57
0
@Larker,
It’s very grim and very hard. I don’t know the circumstances of your husband needing to go into full time care but I could no longer take care of my mum adequately at home. I didn’t fully realise the implications of the visits being this way though. My mum was also presented on wheelchairs with no explanation which was worrying. I’m not sure what the solution is... but I do know how hard and painful it is
 

Larker

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
64
0
East Yorkshire
I want to bring him home but as I can't get into the home, I am unable to assess his needs. I must wait but time is passing and the Dementia progressing. I miss him so much.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
57
0
I want to bring him home but as I can't get into the home, I am unable to assess his needs. I must wait but time is passing and the Dementia progressing. I miss him so much.
So sympathetic to you. It’s honestly a set of circumstances I could never have dreamed up in all my years worrying about what a care home would be like. I feel like my Mums in a prison and I’m in a certain type of hell. Imagining her tormented.
 

Bezzy1946

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
47
0
74
Watford
So sympathetic to you. It’s honestly a set of circumstances I could never have dreamedl up in all my years worrying about what a care home would be like. I feel like my Mums in a prison and I’m in a certain type of hell. Imagining her tormented.
I know just how you are feeling. My husband has dementia and went into a care home in February and then along came lockdown. When I did eventually see him after first lockdown he had really aged and it upset me to see him. I was allowed one visit a week and he really looked forward to seeing me although he hated the mask. Now we are back in lockdown again so no visiting. I miss him so much to be married for 55 years and never be apart is awful and I still cry when no one is around. Christmas is going to be hard this year.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
57
0
I know just how you are feeling. My husband has dementia and went into a care home in February and then along came lockdown. When I did eventually see him after first lockdown he had really aged and it upset me to see him. I was allowed one visit a week and he really looked forward to seeing me although he hated the mask. Now we are back in lockdown again so no visiting. I miss him so much to be married for 55 years and never be apart is awful and I still cry when no one is around. Christmas is going to be hard this year.
God I know. Never not spent it for 40 years with my mum. Dreading it. I really feel for you. Sometimes I feel like I am in a really bad dream
 

Wishing20

Registered User
Feb 27, 2020
56
0
My husband has Lewy Body Dementia. We started to struggle at home. In July this year he was admitted to hospital. It was felt we would no longer cope and he was admitted to a care home. I was unable to see inside the Home. I have one 15 minute window visit week. I am being eaten up with guilt for putting him there. Loss of my husband and our loving relationship. I am feeling so low. I'm grieving but he is still alive. I just can't bear the separation. Does anyone feel like a chat who is feeling the same?
So many of us feeling the same, this ban on visiting is absolutely horrendous for us and our Loved Ones. Do you follow John’s Campaign and Rights for Residents? These are two major campaign Groups who are doing everything they can to bring this misery to the attention of the Government. The major Dementia charities are working as hard as they can to try to put an end to this. So our hope is that Rapid testing and or the vaccine will happen soon and we can be reunited. This is not an easy time but keep posting and reading on here and follow the Campaign Groups, and look after yourself. Sending virtual hugs :)
 

Stacey sue

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
92
0
My husband went into care home in March, I feel lonely and guilty ,wish I had tried to look after him at home.He has deteriorated in these 8 months so much, not having contact has been a cause,along with the dementia progressing. I am just waiting and yearning for the proper visit. I have thought about bringing him home, I ts hard to know what to do for the best,He is safe and being looked after ,I just want what’s best for him. Hope the visits are soon.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
57
0
I think all the feelings of guilt and wretched worry are intensified by these visits for restrictions. I don’t know what the answer really is as they currently have COVid in the home so I d understand they have to manage disease control. I also think care home staff have a very difficult job and lots of additional pressure at the moment so don’t seek to fully appreciate what a difficult time this is for relatives.
 

Zsazsa

Registered User
Jul 20, 2014
42
0
Somerset
Six weeks ago I started the process of social services assessing my 90 year old husband's needs for a care home placement...plus a Carer assessment for me...
.I know you'll all understand that after 30 years of love and happiness together, I didn't approach this lightly or without horrendous feelings of guilt and self-blame, but I felt I couldn't go on. It was either that or me running off!
The Panel meeting is on Tuesday and I both dread and look forward to what their decision will be...But your experiences on this thread are making me wobble about accepting a placement for the new year. I know he'll be safer there, and looked after 24/7, which has been my job for 7 years, and I'll get some respite, but it's all so hard to work out what's the best for both of us. Sending hugs to all of you struggling with these new losses.
 

Wishing20

Registered User
Feb 27, 2020
56
0
It feels like a hopeless situation right now, for those with Loved Ones in Care and those who desperately need assistance and probably Care. I think everyone who has a LO in Care will have experienced the Guilt that goes with it. It’s never ever an easy decision and usually only comes about because we are unable to provide what is required in our own Homes. I know my Mum in Care is provided for in terms of 24 hour care, safety, stimulation and company from the friends she has there and the numerous carers, we could not give that to her at Home, however I also know she feels locked in like a prisoner, not able to go out for walks and we are not able to go and see her, its horrendous for us all and deeply upsetting. We have considered taking her out but realise that will give her 2 of the things she is without now, walks and family, but we would not be able to meet the other things I have mentioned. What we all have to hope for is this rapid testing happens in every Care Home soon and that we are allowed once more to be with our Loved ones. Stay strong, there is an Army of people campaigning and shouting out for the same things we want... lets hope its soon x
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
57
0
Six weeks ago I started the process of social services assessing my 90 year old husband's needs for a care home placement...plus a Carer assessment for me...
.I know you'll all understand that after 30 years of love and happiness together, I didn't approach this lightly or without horrendous feelings of guilt and self-blame, but I felt I couldn't go on. It was either that or me running off!
The Panel meeting is on Tuesday and I both dread and look forward to what their decision will be...But your experiences on this thread are making me wobble about accepting a placement for the new year. I know he'll be safer there, and looked after 24/7, which has been my job for 7 years, and I'll get some respite, but it's all so hard to work out what's the best for both of us. Sending hugs to all of you struggling with these new losses.
So sad for you I think we all have experienced wobbles but sadly this is a progressive disease so even if you can cope currently or are just about managing too, that could change quite quickly... it’s very hard. Wishing you the best.
 

Zsazsa

Registered User
Jul 20, 2014
42
0
Somerset
Thanks to all for your support. Now there is some good news about vaccines there's some light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, visits will be in place by Christmas.
 

Kellyr

Registered User
Aug 8, 2020
151
0
For everyone commenting and saying theyre having no contact because of current 'lockdown', the Government have changed their position slightly thanks to all the campaigning from Rights for Residents etc. They are encouraging 'safe' visits so everyone is entitled to have at the very least a window visit...if thats a possibility for you, make sure you push for it
 

Bezzy1946

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
47
0
74
Watford
My husband has also deteriorated since going in the home. Without familiarity and family contact, we are losing him. His mobility has also deteriorated. We used to go for a walk every day. He is now not allowed out and is often brought to the window in a wheelchair. I'm so tired of fighting for our rights. I've tried everything.
I sympathise with you my husband went into care February last year as I couldn’t manage his dementia and he kept falling over. Of course we went into lockdown and I can count the times we saw him due to lockdown. People with dementia need to see familiar faces. I saw him two weeks before Christmas and he looked really well and then home locked down. Unfortunately he stopped eating and drinking and went into hospital on Sunday and I lost my sweetheart yesterday. Last year has been awful for everyone but care homes have been ignored with no one really fighting to get visits for families. I lost my brother two months ago he was in a care home and just gave up with hardly any visits allowed. I send my love and best to all you carers and those who have loved ones in homes ❤️❤️❤️