LOST
Have you ever felt as if you are lost? I mean really lost? I don’t mean you have forgotten where you are going or what you were doing, or taken the wrong turn, but lost within yourself? I will try to explain…..
The last couple of days I have felt as if I am walking in an endless wilderness of despair and frustration. Some may say that`s depression and I am a firm believer that dementia and depression comes hand in hand anyway because when you are told you have a terminal disease? How can it not ? But this is so different. Lately my wife has said “Norrms” you look lost, are you ok?? When I ask what she means she says I have that look of bewilderment in my eyes as not sure what’s going on around me, or where I am or what I am doing and as much as I hate to admit it she is right . I can sit there and just stare into space, I can look around when out, and wonder where I am and what I am doing there. One of the most frightening things is, when I have flashbacks from the night before after having hallucinated most of the night, I can be sat the having a coffee in the middle of a cafe when suddenly I jump and scream as if the devil himself has shown up. I can only imagine what people think because I know i probably would if I didn’t know anything about dementia, and who can blame them??
The emptiness and loneliness that wells up inside is so debilitating and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, your mind try’s to remember things gone past. I sit there and think “What did we do yesterday, or the day before? In my mind I am trying to keep my memories alive by recalling them as often as I can, training in brain not to forget, but sadly this is not always the case as I clench my hands in frustration because someday I cannot ever remember what I had for breakfast, let alone the day before!! When you have the most loving family ever around you and many friends both here and across the world it’s hard to believe that anybody can feel so lost but this illness of dementia affects so many in so many different ways, one size certainly does not fit all . It’s also hard to believe that when you see us all bouncing around, singing and laughing at our memory café that the same person can sit there, ever so lost, with the look of a little boy who has been separated from his parents in a supermarket on his face and tears running down his eyes.
This disease is ever so cruel in many different ways, it’s just not about losing your inhibitions or forgetting this and that it’s about feeling like you are becoming somebody else, somebody you don’t know or even like, a complete stranger, and I have to say it isn’t very nice as you can imagine. So please can I ask something of you all? the next time you see someone sitting there, looking completely lost, it may or may not be dementia, but I can assure you if you just have a word, ask how they are and if they are ok, it will probably at that moment in time, mean the world to them. Just to hear a friendly voice and knowing that someone has taken time out of their busy day to ask how you are can mean so very much
Have you ever felt as if you are lost? I mean really lost? I don’t mean you have forgotten where you are going or what you were doing, or taken the wrong turn, but lost within yourself? I will try to explain…..
The last couple of days I have felt as if I am walking in an endless wilderness of despair and frustration. Some may say that`s depression and I am a firm believer that dementia and depression comes hand in hand anyway because when you are told you have a terminal disease? How can it not ? But this is so different. Lately my wife has said “Norrms” you look lost, are you ok?? When I ask what she means she says I have that look of bewilderment in my eyes as not sure what’s going on around me, or where I am or what I am doing and as much as I hate to admit it she is right . I can sit there and just stare into space, I can look around when out, and wonder where I am and what I am doing there. One of the most frightening things is, when I have flashbacks from the night before after having hallucinated most of the night, I can be sat the having a coffee in the middle of a cafe when suddenly I jump and scream as if the devil himself has shown up. I can only imagine what people think because I know i probably would if I didn’t know anything about dementia, and who can blame them??
The emptiness and loneliness that wells up inside is so debilitating and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, your mind try’s to remember things gone past. I sit there and think “What did we do yesterday, or the day before? In my mind I am trying to keep my memories alive by recalling them as often as I can, training in brain not to forget, but sadly this is not always the case as I clench my hands in frustration because someday I cannot ever remember what I had for breakfast, let alone the day before!! When you have the most loving family ever around you and many friends both here and across the world it’s hard to believe that anybody can feel so lost but this illness of dementia affects so many in so many different ways, one size certainly does not fit all . It’s also hard to believe that when you see us all bouncing around, singing and laughing at our memory café that the same person can sit there, ever so lost, with the look of a little boy who has been separated from his parents in a supermarket on his face and tears running down his eyes.
This disease is ever so cruel in many different ways, it’s just not about losing your inhibitions or forgetting this and that it’s about feeling like you are becoming somebody else, somebody you don’t know or even like, a complete stranger, and I have to say it isn’t very nice as you can imagine. So please can I ask something of you all? the next time you see someone sitting there, looking completely lost, it may or may not be dementia, but I can assure you if you just have a word, ask how they are and if they are ok, it will probably at that moment in time, mean the world to them. Just to hear a friendly voice and knowing that someone has taken time out of their busy day to ask how you are can mean so very much