1. Jules72

    Jules72 New member

    Dec 12, 2019
    Hi, I’m new to the forum and just been searching on the internet as really struggling emotionally at moment to deal with things. We are certain my mum has dementia - she is very confused sometimes thinks she has an extra daughter, mixes everyone up and always losing things that we find in random places. She hasn’t been right for a few years but these last few months have been particularly bad with her needing help to shower and forgetting how to use simple household things like the oven or dishwasher, she refuses to accept there is a problem and has refused to go to the memory clinic so we’re totally in the dark. My dad had at last started to acknowledge that she may have early dementia but I think this is beyond early stages now as she is struggling with so many tasks. The memory clinic say they can’t do anything if we can’t get her to agree to go and some people tel me that even if she went nothing would happen we wouldn’t get any support just a diagnosis which mum is terrified of. My mum is currently in hospital following a fall and is now unable to get out of bed and no-one knows why she can’t get up. physio is coming to see her. The doctors in hospital picked up straight away how confused she is even though she is adamant she is not and I wonder whether an assessment will be done on her when she is in hospital, she floats between knowing she is in hospital to thinking she is in a hotel. My dad is struggling at home on his own as he as bad mobility problems and when I went round last night after hospital visiting all he’d eaten all day was crisps. Both my parents are stubborn and refuse outside help they expect me and my sister to do everything and never show any appreciation that we are exhausted. I feel like I cant carry on like this - I have 3 children at home the youngest who is just 7 and a hard job where I work long shifts. I feel I am at the limits of what I can cope with and I just don’t know where to turn.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello @Jules72. Welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I hope you will find it helpful and supportive.

    Now your mother is in hospital might be the time to persuade your father to ask for help for your mother, especially if the doctors suspect something is wrong.

    It`s OK to be proud and independent but not when it`s making life difficult for others.

    When I was caring for my mother I was working full time but had no young family to support and even then it was one of the most draining experiences I`ve had.

    If you are at the limits of what you can cope with be firm with your father and tell him, in the gentlest way you can.
  3. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    Hi @Jules72, sorry to hear about your Mum, it sounds as though you have a lot to deal with. The memory clinic primarily provide a diagnosis, through some tests of memory and a physical scan. They also provide details of other organisations and sources of help (which I'm sure you could get anyway). However, the diagnosis could be important as some conditions can be slowed with medication - I personally don't have any experience of that as both my parents had Vascular Dementia. That could be a way to encourage Mum to attend i.e. they may be able to help.

    In any event you can still proceed to get support without the formal diagnosis, as she is in hospital there should be a Social Work Team assigned and the Doctor could advise them of her needs i.e. suspected dementia. It does sound as though your Mum and Dad need some care support and you will not be able to meet that 7 days a week with your own family. The hospital discharge provides the opportunity to put this in place (you can say it's until they get back on their feet).

    In the interim could you perhaps arrange meals on wheels for Dad? The Local Authority should have details of the provider. They can bring him a hot meal at lunch time, and it will be someone to check up on him.

    I appreciate it's a very stressful time, but it's great that your Mum and Dad have you looking out for them. Keep posting and I'm sure the forum will help you out with advice from their own experiences.
  4. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    You have small children they are your first & foremost priority
    Ask the hospital to do an assessment & a report for the GP. you & your sister are going to have to step back for a while as nothing will get put in place while you both do everything.
    sorry I have been through this & speak from experiences that have torn me & family into bits! case of do as I say not as I do!!

    Really it’s the best course of action, I’m sorry. My mantra is time to pull up the big girl pants! xx
  5. Mydarlingdaughter

    Mydarlingdaughter Registered User

    Oct 25, 2019
    North East England UK
    The time in hospital is your best opportunity to get help for your Mum. Hopefully she will get a full assessment before she is discharged.
    If you can speak to the nurse assigned to looking after her and explain the situation like you did here. When my Mum was in hospital she was diagnosed with delirium. She has a brain scan and saw a psychiatrist. She refused the full memory assessment but it was enough for a diagnosis
    When I got there I told them that was what she was like most of the time. A delirium state is usually temporary.
    So dont rush for an early discharge, point out she is vulnerable and needs a full pre discharge assessment.
    It may be the case that the staff take your opinion on board more than your fathers as he is possibly vulnerable too.
    They wont want your Mum being re-admitted with more problems at a later date,
  6. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    It's true that the memory clinic will just diagnose and there will be little help on offer. It's also true that if your mother refuses to co-operate, there is not much they can do. They can't force her to attend, or to take any tests.

    While she is in hospital you could ask if she could be psychiatrically assessed, hopefully they would agree as she seems to be quite unwell. When my mother was in hospital for an issue unrelated to her dementia, the doctors commented that she was very confused but all they did was ask her GP to refer her to the memory clinic - but that was fairly early on in the illness so possibly they didn't think it was urgent.

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