1. Riski business

    Riski business Registered User

    Mar 2, 2014
    6
    My husband died in March after an awful journey with years of Dementia.He was my best friend and I miss him terribly.I wouldn't wish him back with that awful wicked illness,but I hate not having him in my life.I understand that we all will come to the end of life,I get that,but I feel robbed by this illness that took him twice .
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,738
    Yorkshire
    oh @Riski business, such a heartfelt post
    my condolences on your loss
    sorry I can't help in any other way than by offering sympathy
    good that you can let out your feelings on TP
    best wishes
     
  3. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    I am very sorry to hear of your loss. There is no quick fix. My best wishes for getting through this, and finding ways to cope and get rest and solace. xx
     
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,058
    Toronto, Canada
    I'm so sorry. My mother died in August 2016 and I will always miss her. She was diagnosed when she had just turned 64 and died at the age of 79. Yes, we do lose them twice.
     
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,219
    Female
    Dundee

    Oh I'm so sorry to read your news. Sending my heartfelt condolences. My husband died almost 2 years ago - 15 years after diagnosis. You're so right - robbed by the illness which took him twice.

    Please keep posting here. I have found the support I have received over the rollercoaster of my 2 years invaluable. I'm sure you'll be the same. Wishing you strength.
     
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,747
    Female
    Scotland
    I'm experiencing that gut wrenching feeling of loss and my husband is still alive. He is in respite just now and when middle daughter visited him yesterday he was polite but probably didn't know who she was. He certainly didn't know if he had grandchildren or how many. He has no recollection of our life together although mostly knows who I am. Our many trips abroad or the spells we spent working abroad are all lost.

    There is nothing we can talk about beyond a few sentences as he forgets the beginning of a sentence by the time we get to the end. Yet he can still occasionally crack a joke and the sense of himself is still there in short bursts.

    What cruelty to be there in body but living only in the moment and with no memory of what happened minutes before. I am at the stage of no longer knowing what I should do in this vacuum. I can continue to look after this vacuum because his decline makes him "easier" to care for but the situation is quite bizarre and beyond the understanding of anyone who has not been a carer.

    Those of you who have lost a spouse or parent must be left with so many unanswered questions. For so many years prior to death it is impossible to ask why they behaved in a certain way - was it the start of dementia. Did your life together really have meaning for them in the way you thought it did? Was there a better way of dealing with it all

    John used to joke that when we got old he would buy a yacht and as neither of us could sail we would just disappear over the horizon.

    We are all lost together I'm afraid.
     
  7. Lady in blue

    Lady in blue Registered User

    Mar 6, 2015
    23
    Sheffield
    I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
    I lost my lovely Mum in March too. It was the end of a very long journey for us all and I thought I was prepared for the end but I just wasn't.
    We lost Mum years ago - the lovely lady who gave birth to us, nurtured and cared for us, supported us throughout our lives and made us the people we are today. Now we miss her physical presence and her death has left a massive hole which I am finding impossible to fill.
    I don't have any advice except to just take each day as it comes.
    I made a scrapbook of Mums life which passed some time for me during the very long almost 4 weeks wait between Mums death and the funeral. It made me focus on the happy times and there were many smiles - but also a lot of tears as I put it together and it is something to keep and look at when I need to. Other members of the family have also found the scrapbook interesting and helpful.
    Life will never be the same without her but I guess that eventually the pain will ease and the lovely memories we have of them will be a comfort.
    Take care X
     
  8. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    Yes robbed twice... my sympathy and empathy. It will be two years next month since my husband died after 15 years with dementia;10 years at home then 6 months in hospital, and he never came home. His last 5 years in a care home.

    I was totally lost the first year, and often I still am. I will always miss him, and he was my best friend also. More than words can say.

    I echo Izzy in hoping you stay with us, there are a lot of us in this situation and we do understand the dementia double loss. The pain is raw in these very early days.

    Love and thoughts
    Loo xx
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,103
    Kent
    Hello @Riski business

    There is an emptiness after the death of a spouse which no one can fill and it is still with me even four and a half years later.

    Like you, I wouldn`t wish my husband back in the state he was in but the hole is there even though I try to fill my life as well as possible .

    Many people who have not had the experience of such devastating loss find it difficult to understand why we are not `getting over it` and so we need to choose who we talk to about our loss. It`s why TP is so valuable because all who are here will allow you to talk about your husband and share your grief.
     
  10. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,219
    Female
    Dundee
    That's so true Sylvia - I also find that people assume I've got over it because I choose to go out and go on holidays etc. I do these things but that emptiness goes with me.
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,103
    Kent
    .................and we still go home to an empty home @Izzy.
     
  12. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,219
    Female
    Dundee
    Yes that’s the worst bit.
     
  13. eve67

    eve67 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2015
    31
    My hubby died a year ago , i understand how you feel, alzheimers is a slow cruel form of robbery . Big hugs to you. Think it helps to know you're not on completly on you own with this . Eve
     
  14. Riski business

    Riski business Registered User

    Mar 2, 2014
    6
    Ive lost loved ones before but my husband was there by my side.I have a lovely supportive family who look after me,but it's not the same.I feel so weak and lost,I do things like gardening and spending time with friends and family but still feel very lonely.I know things will be different in time.But now is very difficult.I appreciate all the comments on here,but even that is sad to think so many people are feeling the same.
     
  15. Elaine68

    Elaine68 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2017
    136
    Sheffield
    Hello Riski business,
    I lost my OH last November and 6 months down the line and I still miss him very much it is hard the loneliness even when you are with other people I dont think they realise if you have not been through bereavement of someone so close to you they cannot understand how you feel.
    My son's think I am getting over my loss but they are not sat here with me every day but I have taken over my life now and decided I need to move on and I could not have done this with out TP the support and frendship is unbelievable so do keep posting we are the same we understand.
    Sorry for your loss but please keep chatting it helps.
    Best wishes and hugs
    Elaine68
     
  16. Riski business

    Riski business Registered User

    Mar 2, 2014
    6
    Still the hurt goes on,I keep thinking I’m doing well,feeling normal having some fun laughing,and then I feel as if a wall is in front of me.I walk around our home with so many memories and sometimes it comforts me and sometimes I hate being here and have to get out.Will I stay here,I’m not sure.I hate feeling miserable and want to be me again
     
  17. Riski business

    Riski business Registered User

    Mar 2, 2014
    6
    I must sound a bit strange here.I understand that when we get older death follows but it’s the journey I traveled until he had peace.snd of course now peace should come my way.Im finding it difficult to move on as someone on my own ,I’ve been part of a couple for so long.I keep feeling Im missing something.I think if I hadn’t loved him so much I wouldn’t miss him so much.I feel Im just rambling now with silly comments it’s been a long hot day goodnight.Also my dr gave me some tablets to help me sleep,they’ve worked brilliantly and help me have better days.But now I can’t have any more because they are addictive.
     
  18. caqqufa

    caqqufa Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    142
    So I'm not the only one feeling lost.....for all intents and purposes I appear to be coping well but am unable to concentrate on anything for long, fidgety, disorganized, (used to have everything in place),backlog of jobs, restless..... guess it will all fall into place eventually.
     

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