Hello, I feel very lost right now and don't know how to make sense of my emotions. Earlier this year i felt that i had finally found peace in myself, the pain that I have carried on and off for the last four years since my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers found a way to be held so that i could find joy and find a relationship with her. She is happy and passive and continues to be the most gentle flower in the world(and i know we are very lucky for that). Three weeks ago my Dad, the primary carer had a carers breakdown when i returned home, my brothers and i nursed him through the panic attacks and sorrow that followed as he told us that to him our mother was dead. We cared for him and mum until an emergency home was found after the weekend which quickly turned into the realisation that it would be permanent. After a couple of weeks respite mum returned to dad for what we hoped would be five weeks until the permanent place was ready, but even with full time day centre and some home care in place and us going home(we live away), he could not cope, and again this weekend another emergency home was found whilst we cared for both mum and dad. It is hard to explain the full extent of the situation, to explain that myself and my brothers have been my dads therapist, carer, friends for a long time as he has refused to access any outside support until this crisis hit (we have tried and tried to avoid this). I know that he isn't well right now, and i know he has cared for mum 24/7 and its different relationship, but there is so much anger in a family that is normally so full of love. We struggling to understand why he can only see death in a mother and woman who we see still has so much joy to give, but it seems to him he is blinded by his grief. i did not initially feel angry until this last week, when I realised that right now even after all our deep and meaningful talks together and all he has said, he has absolutley no intention of accessing the support and networks available to him, and yet he still rings us in sobs and tells us things about our mum that break our hearts, and he doesn't even realise what he is doing. i guess i am angry that my dad will not take responsibility for himself, and that he now talks as if mum really is dead as he talks of his new start and holidays. I hope i don't sound heartless, I do not want these feelings, i love my dad so much, but right now i dont know him, and i know my brother feels the same.i cannot bear the thought of my mum in care, she looks so lost. Please do not judge me if my words seem harsh, I am just in a tangle and cannot see perspective right now, does anyone have any? Love, Rose.