Feeling like bad daughters

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by sueorbell, Aug 14, 2016.

  1. sueorbell

    sueorbell Registered User

    Mar 15, 2010
    92
    California, USA
    My sister and I are on day 10 with our Mum. Been with her all the time for first 9 days of her end of life journey, but have had to return to our jobs in other countries for a few days to keep our own lives ticking over. It is so hard. Our comfort is that the 9 days we spent with Mum were quality time. She is mainly non responsive but we talked to her, laughed together (hoping she could hear), sang all her favorite songs, prayed, listened to her favorite hymns, held hands, stroked her legs etc.

    But we finally came to a time when we had to get back to our lives for a bit. Hope we can forgive ourselves, and get back to Mum before the final moment, but who knows.

    This is so difficult, and we feel guilty for wishing she had gone when we were there, because we feel like we are wishing for her to die to suit our schedules.

    There is no easy way to handle this, we can only do our best, and be guided by the knowledge that Mum was always supportive of our jobs, and so proud that we had built the careers that she had always dreamed of. And she never once complained that we had both built lives in other countries. Such a brave lady.

    We love you Mum.
     
  2. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    I do feel for you. This is such a difficult call when you're a distance carer.

    Not everyone has the opportunity, for a multitude of reasons, to be with their loved one at the end. All we can do is our best in the circumstances. My dad's death was very sudden.... so I wasn't there. My mum's death was drawn out over a week - and I also wasn't there when she finally passed.

    But I knew they would both understand, and they knew that I loved them. I'm sure your mum does too.
     
  3. sueorbell

    sueorbell Registered User

    Mar 15, 2010
    92
    California, USA
    Thanks for your understanding and empathy, it helps. Sue
     
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,088
    Yorkshire
    hi sueorbell
    you are far away from being bad daughters
    It's wonderful that your mum was so supportive and let you know how proud you make her - and see how right she is to be proud, you both have stood by her and held her hand for these days - you have surrounded her with your love and laughter and thoughtfulness so however far you may be in miles, you are right there with her in spirit
    peace and comfort to you all
     
  5. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014
    182
    BRIDGEND
    No you are not

    you far from being a bad daughters. A bad daughter or son .is one who dont look after thay mam or dad .when needed. One who after the house or money in the bank.who morns be cause thay life is put out.looking after someone with this illinss. Is very hard indeed. Sorry im dis lix so you are ther. Hop you can be there for mam when she pass. I was with my wife in march this year when she pass .had lewy body .only 62.i was so glad i was there .
     

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