Feeling Judged by the Carer!

[Seaholly]

At last, we have found what appears to be a really great care agency to come in 2 days a week to give me a break. The carer gets on really well with mum and she's happy to see her and no longer gets 'Carer Panic' when she knows I'm not coming, so I really want to keep the carer who comes to mum with us.
The problem is that there are a few things at mum's house that to an outside pair of eyes don't look good at all (and that's putting it mildly!) These are outside my control and involve other family members and what with spending 60-70 hours a week with mum and running my own house and trying to hold down a part-time job, I have to pick my battles.
However, I always feel on the back-foot with the carer. She is formal and polite with me, but no more. She gets on really well with everyone else but me and no matter how objective I try to be, I feel hurt and just a bit humiliated after every exchange we have. Each time I try to bring something up relating to mum's care, she bats it back and gets really defensive and will often come back with a "Well, I had to do X yesterday because ...."
I really can't seem to get along with her and I'm sure she doesn't like me, but she does such a great job with mum that I don't want to fall out with her. I just wish I knew how to handle the situation because if she honestly knew what I'd been through and how much I really do for the family, she might not be so cold and dismissive!
I want her to stay and keep doing a good job with mum, because that's really all that matters, but it's getting me down

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Seaholly . Employer/employee relationships can be tricky. Do you think the carer may be being cool because she is trying to maintain a professional relationship with you or am I being too kind? If you're frazzled (which you will be!) and not feeling that confident, you might be misreading signs. It's unlikely that she doesn't like you. You sound extremely nice! Maybe she feels a bit uncomfortable too and trying to prove how good she is. I say give it a bit of time and just be yourself. Tell her what a good job she's doing and how pleased you are that she's there. That might soften her up a bit.

 

[canary]

OH has carers coming in and to start with I was horribly embarrassed about the things that were broken/untidy/needed cleaning/sorting out/throwing away. After a while I tentatively mentioned that I felt so badly about the house and she was genuinely amazed. She said that I aught to see some of the places that she went to - she said there was one place that she went to that was so filthy that she got hold of some plastic overshoes to put on because she didnt want to tread on the floor and our house was like a palace.

If your mums carer has any sort of experience at all she will have seen all sorts and will not be expecting high standards. She might be worried about how you see her! I agree, give it a bit of time

 

[She-Luna]

Please don't beat yourself up. I'm trying to put fingers in so many dykes at the moment as Mum has gone downhill in a big way over the last fortnight, and I wept to my OH this evening that 'everyone' would think it was my fault and that I wasn't doing enough! You sound as if you've done, and are doing, a fantastic job. If there is a good rapport between your Mum and the carer, that's the main thing. Give her a little time, and carry on being your true, nice self.

 

[Frank24]

My mum had a live in Carer who my mum really got on with who did a good job... but who drove me totally mad. I think the relationship can be a really hard dynamic to get used to. We all feel bad about the things we are not on top off but it’s impossible balancing work, our own lives and someone else’s especially if like mine no one else in my family ever lifted a finger or took responsibility. In fact that went on for so many years that recently my brother offered to do something and I instantly felt he was getting at me and being critical.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Seaholly

If the carer is with your mum two days a week to give you a break, do you need to have much contact with her? I would stay away and let her do her job, especially if you are satisfied with her care and your mum likes her.

The problem is that there are a few things at mum's house that to an outside pair of eyes don't look good at all (and that's putting it mildly!) These are outside my control and involve other family members

This is not the carer`s business and there is no need for the carer`s approval. Nor is there any need for you to feel self conscious.

If you have contact with the carer at a handover, try to keep it as impersonal as possible. As long as your mother is happy, that is all you need.

 

[MartinWL]

I am intrigued. I wonder what the skeletons in the cupboard might be? A rotting animal in the larder? A display of indecent underwear in the wardrobe? No need to tell us, let us wonder! Anyway you say you need to choose your battles and many of us can identify with that. You might try telling her that, it is something she may well understand.

 

[lollyc]

We currently have carers, following a hospital discharge, and I am mortified by the state of my house. Someone on here (sorry, can't find the post), described it as " Care Home Shabby Chic" (or, a my friend's dad would have it, Shabby ****!). But what can I do? The carpet is stained by all manner of fluids that Mum has leaked or spilled, the constant movement of hospital bed, hoist and now Mackworth have loosened its attachment to the floor, and the paint work has suffered from being constantly scraped by zimmer frames! Logistically it would be impossible to consider replacing / repainting, and I know, even if I could, that within a few weeks we would be back to the same well-worn look. Another of the many joys that dementia throws our way!

 

[MartinWL]

Professional carpet cleaning can be very effective and isn't hugely expensive.

 

[Seaholly]

The carpet is the least of my worries! The carpet is fine!

 

[Milvus]

Since you are doing so much of your mum's care, maybe the carer is a bit apprehensive of your opinion of her care. She's coming into your domain where she may do things differently and may have to make decisions, conscious that it may or may not meet with your approval. Sounds daft I know, if she's a professional but perhaps she's not all that confident, hence the defensiveness and the need to justify what she's done. It might explain why it's just you that she's reserved with. If she's doing a good job and your Mum is happy, that's great. Relax and enjoy your days off!

 

[Seaholly]

@Milvus, that's something I hadn't thought of and I think you may have hit on something