Hi all, thank you so much for your empathic replies (and apologies for the typos and grammatical errors.......this time I'll proof read before posting ha!).
Apologies for not replying sooner, to be honest I've found navigating my way around here a little confusing and at times I've just given up trying to find out if I had had any replies....for goodness sake, I'm such a daft at times. Anyhow, this morning I persevered to find out what a lovely lot you are. THANK YOU for taking the time to tell me your feelings, I've received more understanding, empathy and kindness from you lovely peeps on here than I've had for such a long time. I'm lucky really, I receive a weekly phone call from a member of the Community Mental Health Team to check up on us, and mum's meds are delivered weekly too, I also have our shopping delivered so how can I complain? I don't, not about that part of our life, I'm more than grateful actually because these people are protecting mum from the possibility of catching Covid19! However, the isolation is crippling! As I'm sure you all know from experiencing lockdown yourselves. I'm sat in the garden now, wrapped in a fleece dressing gown, covered by a fleece blanket with one pooch on my knee and the other sat in his doggy bed at my side, heaven! The birds are tweeting and singing, there's a gentle breeze filling me with deep breaths of fresh air and sounds of life from surrounding neighbours adding to the joy of today BUT mum's sat in her sitting room watching her TV and all the while I'm listening out for her as I've always done and it's wearing me out. There isn't an hour that goes by that my mind rests as it's on alert all the time. She'd never eat and never move if I didn't keep popping my head around her door to motivate her. I've come to instinctively read her moods, pain threshold and so much more to the detriment of my own sanity at times, which, I'm told is typical behaviour of a carer! Of course, I will do this until the time comes when I'm no longer needed but..........I want to just hibernate under my quilt and not think, not move, not clean, not cook, not anything! Yes, I'm depressed and have medication to support my depression but where do I get my hug from? Where do I get that tlc and "there there" from? I know what I'm going through is par for the course, I know how to deal with my depression, I don't need a pep talk, I just need a decent conversation and a good cry about everything and nothing! I'm in the garden attempting to read a book entitled
"Reasons To Stay Alive", author Matt Haig as I sent a copy to my sister recently after she attempted suicide for the 4th time. I feel (even though I'm not, and never have been, suicidal) it will help knock me in to shape and remind me how lucky I am.......BUT I know I'll want to talk about it and how it affects me with someone because that's me, I love a good debate and chat, so I'm hesitating to start because I haven't anyone to share it with. I would love to discuss it with my sister but there are issues that she still needs to work on that stop her communicating with me. I won't even get a SMS from her about this book or about the welfare of our mum or anything! I'm saddened to think that I, her big sister, am the last person she'd contact about anything. Anyhow, I'd better finish my essay (oooops, sorry peeps, this is a long one lol), as I've got cramp in my fingers from holding my phone for so long. Once again, thank to you all for your replies to my first post and please take care, stay safe and I send you all a warm hug.