Feeling helpless

Bevhar

Registered User
Mar 23, 2023
290
0
I’ve had a bad day today I’m still in so much pain after my fall in my ribs & broken hand Since my hand has been plastered it’s hurting more than ever I feel I’m such an awful wife at the moment We we’re so happy before my husband got Alzheimers We we’re doing ok before my fall but now everything is so difficult for me & not driving is making life so hard Im feeling very low & can’t see any joy in our lives Just feel so sad as my husband is still loving & tries so hard
 

sapphire turner

Registered User
Jan 14, 2022
611
0
Oh dear it’s amazing how things fall to pieces when we carers become injured or ill. It makes us realise how much burden we were carrying in the house without even realising it ourselves. This is a sign that you really really need some help before the wheels fall off completely. Please ask for help!! Don’t be shy don’t be brave tell the truth about how bad things are, for both your sakes. Wishing you love and strength ❤️❤️❤️
 

Bevhar

Registered User
Mar 23, 2023
290
0
Oh dear it’s amazing how things fall to pieces when we carers become injured or ill. It makes us realise how much burden we were carrying in the house without even realising it ourselves. This is a sign that you really really need some help before the wheels fall off completely. Please ask for help!! Don’t be shy don’t be brave tell the truth about how bad things are, for both your sakes. Wishing you love and strength ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks it’s so sad as we were doing well
 

333pjb

Registered User
Jun 17, 2024
22
0
Hi,

Reach out for the community, the church or the salvation army - it seems like you need immediate practical help but also some long term support as you are recovering. Phone lines and web sites are OK but there is no substitute for being able to speak to someone who has just made you a cup of tea and is there to first listen and then to offer help. The salvation army don’t judge and don’t fuss. They just offer practical help and support.


Salvationarmy.org.uk/map-page or headquarters
Tel 0207 367 4500

 

sapphire turner

Registered User
Jan 14, 2022
611
0
Thanks it’s so sad as we were doing well
Things might settle down again for a while but this is a wake up call that it’s all only ever going one way. Check out any benefits you might be able to get- attendance allowance and reduced council tax are not means tested, it’s a reasonable amount of money that can bring carers in to give you a break. The earlier you bring in more helpers the easier it is going forward. You are doing a great job but you can’t be everything to him now, it takes a team to cope! Sending love ❤️
 

Bevhar

Registered User
Mar 23, 2023
290
0
Hi,

Reach out for the community, the church or the salvation army - it seems like you need immediate practical help but also some long term support as you are recovering. Phone lines and web sites are OK but there is no substitute for being able to speak to someone who has just made you a cup of tea and is there to first listen and then to offer help. The salvation army don’t judge and don’t fuss. They just offer practical help and support.



Salvationarmy.org.uk/map-page or headquarters Tel 0207 367 4500
Thank you so much I’m just a bit down today my friend is visiting tomorrow Which will be lovely
 

Bevhar

Registered User
Mar 23, 2023
290
0
Things might settle down again for a while but this is a wake up call that it’s all only ever going one way. Check out any benefits you might be able to get- attendance allowance and reduced council tax are not means tested, it’s a reasonable amount of money that can bring carers in to give you a break. The earlier you bring in more helpers the easier it is going forward. You are doing a great job but you can’t be everything to him now, it takes a team to cope! Sending love ❤️
Thank you so much It’s just I’m feeling inadequate A lot of people on this forum sawn to do so Well without help I can’t remember who it was but one person wrote that it was there duty to look after their partner
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,777
0
Dorset
Thank you so much It’s just I’m feeling inadequate A lot of people on this forum sawn to do so Well without help I can’t remember who it was but one person wrote that it was there duty to look after their partner
Nobody else is dealing with a broken hand and cracked ribs so no matter what anybody else thinks or feels is “their duty” towards their partner they aren’t having to cope with what you are currently. Get in some help for yourself and your husband because that is what YOU need at this moment.
 

Bevhar

Registered User
Mar 23, 2023
290
0
Nobody else is dealing with a broken hand and cracked ribs so no matter what anybody else thinks or feels is “their duty” towards their partner they aren’t having to cope with what you are currently. Get in some help for yourself and your husband because that is what YOU need at this moment.
Thank you
 

sapphire turner

Registered User
Jan 14, 2022
611
0
Blimey no one signed up for this in their marriage vows! I am doing my very best and I choose to do that out of past love and friendship and the loyalty related to that. I am getting all the carer help that I can before he drags me under, and already thinking about care homes. Sending love ❤️
 

maggie6445

Registered User
Dec 29, 2023
1,804
0
Gosh , I'm not married but like @sapphire turner I care for my oh for the same reasons. I'm looking for respite for a family wedding that I had every intention of taking him to but circumstances change and sometimes we all have to accept that extra help is needed.
Please ask for a bit of help, have the surgery on your hand if it's not too late and as my go to phrase says " accept the things you can not change and have courage to change the things you can"

Oh... ,some may seem like they cope. ,my coffee club friends think I'm brilliant , I'm not sure why but believe me ,they are wrong! I I have my shouts and frustration just like they do. Just good at putting on a smile and maybe a bit quicker at bouncing back.

Hope you feel a bit brighter after seeing your friend. Xx
 
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My Mum's Daughter

Registered User
Feb 8, 2020
773
0
Thank you so much It’s just I’m feeling inadequate A lot of people on this forum sawn to do so Well without help I can’t remember who it was but one person wrote that it was there duty to look after their partner
I've seen numerous posts saying much the same thing which makes many of us feel inadequate however, it has now been proven that in one case, the PWD was a nursing home resident.

@Bevhar I think you need and deserve some time to recover and if that means respite care, then you should go for it.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,514
0
South coast
I can’t remember who it was but one person wrote that it was there duty to look after their partner
We all want to look after our PWD at home and lots of people say this, especially in the early stages, but I do wonder how many people actually manage this to the end.

Im looking after my OH out of a feeling of duty, but it is getting harder and I know that the time will come (possibly quite soon) when I will have to seriously consider a care home.

Please do not rule out a care home because of what other people think that you "should" do
xxx
 

DawnR

Registered User
Sep 14, 2022
155
0
Northumberland
@Bevhar it’s the guilt monster, try not to let those comments get to you.

My husband has gone into residential care just over two weeks ago, and some of the comments I read really got to me. I had to give myself a good talking to, my circumstances are unique as are yours. And I wasn’t unwell! Please get some help with your husband so you can recover.

My husband’s consultant psychiatrist said to me he didn’t want me as his patient. He made me realise I had to think about what was in my best interests as well as my husband’s.

I hope you have a lovely day with your friend x
 

scotlass

Registered User
Jul 9, 2023
322
0
yes we all feel the same at the start, if you've had a loving relationship with you o h , then you think you can cope ,but every case is different, some progress slower that others, and nobody knows what it's going to be like down the line. you have it all day..and night ...every day...carers in a care home can go home after their shift and have the time to themselves, I think it gets to a stage where we have to think about ourselves, our mental and physical health,,,who will look after our pwd...if we're not able to, right now you're needing some tlc....x
 

RM3

Registered User
Feb 4, 2024
725
0
Hi Bev @Bevhar. How are you? Sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment. If the whole situation isn't difficult enough in itself (on a good day), you are having to contend with your own pain from broken bones. Please don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t judge yourself.
I hope you have a lovely visit with your friend tomorrow and maybe get the opportunity to open up about how you feel.
We all deserve some happiness in our days and I hope that you can put some things in place to give you some space to feel this.
Sending you a sprinkling of happiness and hugs 🤗 xxx
 

Bevhar

Registered User
Mar 23, 2023
290
0
Hi Bev @Bevhar. How are you? Sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment. If the whole situation isn't difficult enough in itself (on a good day), you are having to contend with your own pain from broken bones. Please don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t judge yourself.
I hope you have a lovely visit with your friend tomorrow and maybe get the opportunity to open up about how you feel.
We all deserve some happiness in our days and I hope that you can put some things in place to give you some space to feel this.
Sending you a sprinkling of happiness and hugs 🤗 xxx
Wish I lived near you to buy you a coffee & have a chat I have been quite down as the pain has been quite tough I love my husband so much and want to be the strongest I can for him Hope your doing ok Is the memory clinic next week Everything crossed for you sending virtual hugs xx
 

RM3

Registered User
Feb 4, 2024
725
0
Wish I lived near you to buy you a coffee & have a chat I have been quite down as the pain has been quite tough I love my husband so much and want to be the strongest I can for him Hope your doing ok Is the memory clinic next week Everything crossed for you sending virtual hugs x
You never know Bev - one day we may just get to do that ☕️.
I can see how much you love your husband. Struggling to manage your pain and recovery, will mean you can’t be your usual self and cope with the things you would usually cope with. Be kind to yourself and forgiving of the struggles that you are having. You will feel better in time but may need some help here and there until then.
Yes, memory clinic is next Tuesday - I’m so glad it is no further away than that. We are very ready for some answers and to plan going forward.
I will keep you posted.
Sending love, Rachel x
 

Bevhar

Registered User
Mar 23, 2023
290
0
You never know Bev - one day we may just get to do that ☕️.
I can see how much you love your husband. Struggling to manage your pain and recovery, will mean you can’t be your usual self and cope with the things you would usually cope with. Be kind to yourself and forgiving of the struggles that you are having. You will feel better in time but may need some help here and there until then.
Yes, memory clinic is next Tuesday - I’m so glad it is no further away than that. We are very ready for some answers and to plan going forward.
I will keep you posted.
Sending love, Rachel x
Ahh thanks Rachel will be thinking of you both & I know whatever the outcome you will deal with it together I think Maggie explained it well she said once she had acceptance she felt a lot calmer I seem to have turned a corner with the pain thank goodness I always enjoy our chats love Bev xx
 

annieka 56

Registered User
Aug 8, 2022
372
0
Thank you so much It’s just I’m feeling inadequate A lot of people on this forum sawn to do so Well without help I can’t remember who it was but one person wrote that it was there duty to look after their partner
Hello Bev

I hope you're doing ok and I read you have broken ribs and a broken hand too which in itself is difficult let alone when caring for someone.
Whoever wrote it was their duty to care for their partner - well it is, but ultimately it may not be at home.
Every single one of us is in a unique situation. Every single person with dementia is different from the next one.
Looking for the best care is all we can do whether it's at home or in a care of nursing home.
If I had an upstairs shower room it might have been a bit easier. But we don't so all personal care became a nightmare.
If he had not been mobile and bed bound it might have been easier too but he isn't. Instead he has systematically destroyed every room upstairs over time (he couldn't go downstairs due to falls risk.)
I love my husband very much and we have been together for 40 years but he is now in a nursing home for the past 2 weeks where they can care for him way better than I could even with 4x daily carers.
I'm not suggesting you are at that stage as it sounds like you need physical recovery after broken bones, my goodness you poor woman.
But if and when it comes to it, don't be scared or guilt tripped.
People who can keep their life partners at home just have a different partner from mine, that's all I can say.
Good luck Bev x