Feeling helpess

[Jomoessex]

I am at a bit of a loss and this post is therapy really, I just need to get my feelings down.....
Mum is diagnosed and I would say is early, nearing mid term mixed type Dementia. Dad is home with Mum. They are supported by me, their eldest of 2 daughters and my younger sister. They are passed the denial stage, they are the the midst of some troubling and upsetting times for both of them but still they refuse help and support from all avenues. They have no social network for support and won't attend a day centre for social interactions and support and after just 2 monthly peer group meetings aren't going there either. My Dad needs support and a break as does Mum but I don't know what to do next. They don't want to interact with anybody, on a professional, social or any blasted level.........I am not trying to tell them how to live their lives, just trying to make them as comfortable, happy and supported as they can be.....


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[Emac]

It's tough when you can see what is needed but your parents wont accept help. What I have learned is that you need to help them see what support is out there then stand aside and let them make their own choices in their own way and in their own time. Hard to do I know! The only exception to that is if you think they are at risk in some way- or were at crisis point then I would interfere like mad! Hope writing it down helped!

 

[Jesskle66]

It is such a worrying time, as there is very little you can do and are probably being met with resentment at your suggestions. They will be feeling scared and will want to ward off intervention as long as possible. As hard as it for you, at the moment you have to respect that. I found it very difficult to be 'hands off' when mum was at that stage and it affected our relationship badly. I did visit mum's gp without her to talk about it, it helped when the crisis came because there was a record of my concerns and observations. I know it's much, but it did help me feel like I was doing something.

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[Peirre]

Are there any Memory Cafes or singing for the brain sessions run by the AS held in your area? I found them invaluable as a way of introducing them to my family without pressuring them. It also gave us an avenue to introduce help from the AS and open doors to help from SS, LA etc

 

[smartieplum]

I am at a bit of a loss and this post is therapy really, I just need to get my feelings down.....
Mum is diagnosed and I would say is early, nearing mid term mixed type Dementia. Dad is home with Mum. They are supported by me, their eldest of 2 daughters and my younger sister. They are passed the denial stage, they are the the midst of some troubling and upsetting times for both of them but still they refuse help and support from all avenues. They have no social network for support and won't attend a day centre for social interactions and support and after just 2 monthly peer group meetings aren't going there either. My Dad needs support and a break as does Mum but I don't know what to do next. They don't want to interact with anybody, on a professional, social or any blasted level.........I am not trying to tell them how to live their lives, just trying to make them as comfortable, happy and supported as they can be.....


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For a second, i thought i was reading my own post! So troubling when they refuse help.

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[Safiya]

Yes, this could be my post as well. Unfortunately in many cases, you just have to wait for that first fall, hospital visit etc until they can see past the denial and accept the help they need. In fact, this was how my parents first accepted help when my father fell and was hospitalised, and a Counsellor took me aside and asked how things were going at home. Of course I told her and she read my mother the riot act and help was finally organised. Prior to this, I found that continual arguments simply eroded our relationship and then they stopped telling me when things happened so it was even worse.

Mine are still in some denial, my mother told me she doesn't like seeing my father in the care placement he is in because 'all those people who can't talk or interact are not good for him'. I actually laughed out loud as my father hasn't been able to talk/communicate/interact very well for a couple of years and is probably the most dis-abled person on his wing.

I can only wish you luck and patience, just keep chipping away, making suggestions and being supportive. They are very lucky to have such caring children. If there was a magic wand, I would share mine with you.

 

[BetsyX]

Hi Jomoessex,

This must be very frustrating and upsetting for you as I can imagine all you want to do is help and make things as easy as possible for them both.

If you are really struggling and feel they may be a danger to each other or even to themselves by avoiding any help then I would suggest making help come to them. By this I mean reaching out to social services etc, seek support elsewhere, someone who will offer them help, which will take that stress from you.

I know from experience it is hard to get any sort of help without the patient actually admitting and conveying they need help. Mum put on such a big cover up when we first started seeking help, she actually recently bluffed a Policeman into thinking she was still working full-time, still drove etc, the Policeman genuinely thought we were the ones pulling the wool over his eyes!!!

Best wishes to you and your family.

Betsy

 

[Jomoessex]

It's tough when you can see what is needed but your parents wont accept help. What I have learned is that you need to help them see what support is out there then stand aside and let them make their own choices in their own way and in their own time. Hard to do I know! The only exception to that is if you think they are at risk in some way- or were at crisis point then I would interfere like mad! Hope writing it down helped!

Hi EMac, thank you for taking the time to reply. This forum is a blessing and I do find that writing is therapy. Sharing is caring as I can see from here. I hope today was a good day in your world


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[Jomoessex]

Yes, this could be my post as well. Unfortunately in many cases, you just have to wait for that first fall, hospital visit etc until they can see past the denial and accept the help they need. In fact, this was how my parents first accepted help when my father fell and was hospitalised, and a Counsellor took me aside and asked how things were going at home. Of course I told her and she read my mother the riot act and help was finally organised. Prior to this, I found that continual arguments simply eroded our relationship and then they stopped telling me when things happened so it was even worse.

Mine are still in some denial, my mother told me she doesn't like seeing my father in the care placement he is in because 'all those people who can't talk or interact are not good for him'. I actually laughed out loud as my father hasn't been able to talk/communicate/interact very well for a couple of years and is probably the most dis-abled person on his wing.

I can only wish you luck and patience, just keep chipping away, making suggestions and being supportive. They are very lucky to have such caring children. If there was a magic wand, I would share mine with you.

Hi Safiya,
I am sorry to read about your poor Dad. I hope that you find a way to get support and a place to breath, scream or do whatever helps relieve the stress. You sound as if you've been doing an awesome job fighting what can mostly seem like a losing battle.
I wish you well and thank you for your words of support




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[Jomoessex]

Hi Jomoessex,

This must be very frustrating and upsetting for you as I can imagine all you want to do is help and make things as easy as possible for them both.

If you are really struggling and feel they may be a danger to each other or even to themselves by avoiding any help then I would suggest making help come to them. By this I mean reaching out to social services etc, seek support elsewhere, someone who will offer them help, which will take that stress from you.

I know from experience it is hard to get any sort of help without the patient actually admitting and conveying they need help. Mum put on such a big cover up when we first started seeking help, she actually recently bluffed a Policeman into thinking she was still working full-time, still drove etc, the Policeman genuinely thought we were the ones pulling the wool over his eyes!!!

Best wishes to you and your family.

Betsy

Hi Betsy, thank you for your reply. You have given me some very good advice.
I had a good day today - I accompanied Mum and Dad to a GP appointment and from next week, Mum is going to be taking an antidepressant that will hopefully help her to feel less sad, and ultimately improve both Mum and Dads daily lives.
Also, I have my Dad's agreement to having a carer assessment. Social services were amazing on the phone and so I am hoping this will flow through to a good assessment and help for them both.
I hope you had a good day today and wish you well


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[Jomoessex]

For a second, i thought i was reading my own post! So troubling when they refuse help.

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Hey Smartieplum, so, very, very troubling. I hope you've had a good day today and wish you and your family very well


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