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Feeling guilty


Registered User
Nov 16, 2015
I've just had to move my aunt into a care home as she can no longer live alone. She was in hospital for 8 weeks with a severe UTI, she wouldn't accept any care at home and went mad at me for calling her GP. My partner and I have looked after her for a long time; before she was ill, she was very demanding and quite needy (I know how horrible that sounds). My uncle had dementia and Parkinsons, and although my aunt tried to look after him, she couldn't manage, even with our help, and I had to force her to accept some home care for him. Unfortunately he passed away 2 years ago. It's been a very difficult time as I'd lost my mum the year before, and I lost my dad last year. I've not been able to come to terms with the loss as I've constantly had to look after my aunt, as well as holding down a job. I feel so guilty that she's had to move into a nursing home, even though I know that it's the safest place for her, and there's no alternative. We've been visiting her most days, but it's so difficult because even though she doesn't recognise us a lot of the time, she sobs and says she wants to be at home with my uncle. Any advice please?


Registered User
Aug 21, 2014
south london
Hi I am too in a similar position to you, my 92 yr old nan went into respite 5 weeks ago she is not I still don't know if this is permanent as it may have to go to a best interest meeting with social services...the feeling is awful, I am her only relative and I have been caring for her for the last year, I too get tears and anger every time I visit the care home advised I visit every 3 days not every other day which I found very hard but have come to terms that it's me that feels so awful and need to let go, the home has told me that when I don't visit my nan doesn't ask for me, I can see how visiting so often unsettles her.

I know it's a extremely hard move to make but I'm sure if your aunt was capable there would be no way you would put her in a home. She is safe looked after,clean and feed with activities to help stimulate her also someone around if she feels unwell..
I really do know how your feeling and im still new at this too, I know in my case when I'm not around she is fine when I visit I get bombarded with tears and I want to go home...I tell her she needs to get strong enough first...then I have asked her where is her home she says the name of the road she lived in over 60 years ago.

Dementia is evil,sad and scary and I'm still learning...
Be safe in the knowledge you have done your best
I'm not much help I'm sorry just to say your not on your own xx


Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
SW London
It's always a horrible and upsetting time if the person doesn't settle fairly easily. Have you asked the staff how she is when you're not there? If she's better then, it might be advisable to cut your visits down for now. It sometimes happens that a familiar face (even if the person no longer knows who you are ) will set things off.

Most people do settle eventually, and many forget the home they have left. I never thought my mother would, but she did, and when she later spoke of going home, she meant to her parents' house, where she hadn't lived since before WW2.

The awful thing about dementia is, that all too often the person no longer has the ability to be happy or contented anywhere. Even when people ARE at home, in the house they may have lived in for decades, it's common for them to want to 'go home', or to want to see long dead loved ones.

Your aunt will almost certainly settle down eventually. You have done the best you can for her, so please give that guilt monster a good kick - though this is easier said than done, I know.

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