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Feeling guilty.

Sianey

Registered User
Mar 23, 2015
103
Yorkshire
Hi,

I had a lovely day out today, at first I said I didn't want to as I felt guilty, but while out couldnt stop thinking about Mam in the care home and what she is doing. She loved holidays abroad and doing her garden, I suppose I feel guilty for enjoying myself. Hubbie didn't notice my tears though as he was driving. Then I thought if she was at home still Id be worrying she was wandering. Does anyone else feel like this?
 

daisydi

Registered User
Feb 25, 2015
255
Norfolk
Hi,

I had a lovely day out today, at first I said I didn't want to as I felt guilty, but while out couldnt stop thinking about Mam in the care home and what she is doing. She loved holidays abroad and doing her garden, I suppose I feel guilty for enjoying myself. Hubbie didn't notice my tears though as he was driving. Then I thought if she was at home still Id be worrying she was wandering. Does anyone else feel like this?
I too am feeling very sad. It's been such a beautiful day and everybody is out and about and I pop in to see my mum in the care home and it just makes me so sad that she is stuck in there. Now I am in tears!
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,772
England
I feel the same. My thought when I go somewhere is I can go but my husband can't. The fact that he can now longer understand what he is missing or even the fact if I go somewhere I am missing makes no difference. It just feels wrong.
 

Blackfield

Registered User
Mar 8, 2015
21
tears will often start to flow when I think of dad in the CH, especially as I cannot visit him without him accusing me of ruining his life. However, I then remember what he was like at home and that the person in the CH is not really my dad anymore. Life has improved considerably now we do not have to look after dad and we are beginning to smile again. The moments of sadness get less.
 

daisydi

Registered User
Feb 25, 2015
255
Norfolk
I just wish I could go and bring her back home to my house but I really really cant be there for her 24/7. She is so fit and spritely for an 83 year old. When I went today she was helping to clear the tea cups from the lounge. My dad died 26 years ago so she was such a young widow and I suppose I have always been there for her but now I'm not. Can't somebody come up with a miracle cure!
 

Sianey

Registered User
Mar 23, 2015
103
Yorkshire
Guilt

Daisydi, is your Mum well enough to come to your house? I haven't read your threads before of how long your Mum has been in the care home.

I just feel sometimes I should even bring Mam to mine for a change, but we took her out the other week for her birthday, but she was so confused and kept needing the loo, we wondered if it was worth doing it when we got back to the care home, she didn't even know it was her birthday.

My Mam was widowed 25 years ago, I know how you feel. They seemed so old at the time as we were younger weren't we but now you realise they were young really. It's a long time to be on your own like you say.

It's sad feeling like we do I know but I'm glad people do feel like it on here, sometimes I feel like I'm getting so stressed and down with it all, it's nice to know others felt the same today.
 

daisydi

Registered User
Feb 25, 2015
255
Norfolk
Daisydi, is your Mum well enough to come to your house? I haven't read your threads before of how long your Mum has been in the care home.

I just feel sometimes I should even bring Mam to mine for a change, but we took her out the other week for her birthday, but she was so confused and kept needing the loo, we wondered if it was worth doing it when we got back to the care home, she didn't even know it was her birthday.

My Mam was widowed 25 years ago, I know how you feel. They seemed so old at the time as we were younger weren't we but now you realise they were young really. It's a long time to be on your own like you say.

It's sad feeling like we do I know but I'm glad people do feel like it on here, sometimes I feel like I'm getting so stressed and down with it all, it's nice to know others felt the same today.
She was taken into care in January mainly because she was wandering around and anxious all the time. Last Sunday was my birthday and she came out for the first time for lunch, only for a couple of hours and it went ok but usually when I ask her if she wants to come out she says no. She wont even go into the garden at the care home. I think I am beginning to grieve the loss of my mum as sometimes when I see her she is just like a stranger. Unfortunately my sister who lives close by doesnt have the same feelings as me. I was her primary carer and I suppose it is just beginning to hit me that she has gone. It is nice to chat to someone who knows how I am feeling as I think my sister thinks I'm crazy!
 

Sianey

Registered User
Mar 23, 2015
103
Yorkshire
:) I can relate to the crazy thing. I think when you care for your Mam and see them more than other siblings I think it hits us harder not that it doesn't them, I feel it is like grieving although they haven't died, maybe that's why we get upset like today. It's good you were close to your Mum. I wasn't mine but since she needed me I was her main carer I suppose I am sad at all the years I wasn't close to my Mam like some are and think what a waste of all those years.

My mam has always had long painted nails she doesn't paint them now so I painted them pink for her yesterday, she'll probably tell people her sister did them that's who she says I am to everyone.

It's good your Mum enjoyed her trip out, I think they have such a routine in the homes don't you maybe that's why they feel strange going out.
 

daisydi

Registered User
Feb 25, 2015
255
Norfolk
:) I can relate to the crazy thing. I think when you care for your Mam and see them more than other siblings I think it hits us harder not that it doesn't them, I feel it is like grieving although they haven't died, maybe that's why we get upset like today. It's good you were close to your Mum. I wasn't mine but since she needed me I was her main carer I suppose I am sad at all the years I wasn't close to my Mam like some are and think what a waste of all those years.

My mam has always had long painted nails she doesn't paint them now so I painted them pink for her yesterday, she'll probably tell people her sister did them that's who she says I am to everyone.

It's good your Mum enjoyed her trip out, I think they have such a routine in the homes don't you maybe that's why they feel strange going out.
That's nice that you did her nails. A friend of ours in the village, who also works in the care home as a carer sometimes goes in and paints all their nails shocking pink. Looks so funny, all these old ladies with shocking pink nail varnish. I do think that routine is what they need, like a baby, but sometimes when I go I think she seems so well that she shouldn't be there and then the next time everything is so confusing for her. Sometimes I go and she says what are you doing here as if I dont fit in to the routine and it makes her more confused.Not sure what to do for the best but I think she needs to stay there unfortunately. Good talking to you. Hope you are feeling better. I am. It's good to get things off your chest!