Feeling Guilty

[LucindaS]

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 3 years ago, throughout this time I have cared for her along with carers at her home. I didn't live with mum, but called in every day, during my lunch breaks, before and after work, to assist as much as possible, doing the shopping, washing, cleaning etc, as well as hold down a full time job, and have my grandchildren to stay as much as possible. My brother lives away, so he hasn't been able to support me very much.

In between the carers visits, I would find mum in bed at all times of the day, or find her wandering about in soiled clothing and would have to wash her as best as possible before the carers next visit, and getting back to work. I constantly worried about her during the night when she was on her own.

I made the decision to get her in to respite in December, as I felt that I needed a break also. Mum settled in lovely and I knew that this would be the best option for her, being cared for 24hrs a day and having stimulation throughout the day.

When I visit mum in the care home she looks very sad sometimes, but other times she looks happy. I wish I could explain to her the reason why I took her there.

Why do I now feel so sad and guilty that I made this decision? I am going through all the financial assessment processes which is stressing me so much. I have got to sell mum's house to fund her care.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't made this decision.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

your emotions are normal and common but you are ow in the best place for support.

Now that you have found us please keep posting.

 

[Karola]

I think one of the worst consequences of dementia is guilt - it's one felt by those who love and care for the person who is ill. After a certain point, we can't ask the person who is ill what they want or need and so we do what we think is best for them. We can't check with them if they would have changed their mind or want different things now, but they are still there, needing us. Please try not to beat yourself up, you have made a decision based on what your Mum needs and because you love her. No one can ask more of you than that.

 

[canary]

I think that what you are feeling is sadness - sadness that your lovely mum has come to this. It is difficult to make decisions for someone else at the best of times, but when its a decision like that it is very hard. I dont think it helps that the general population views a care home as failure, whereas (as you have discovered) it is often a success.

If you had not made this decision your mum would still be living in squalid and unhygienic conditions, deprived of dignity and stimulation - that would be a failure. Instead, though, you have successfully found a nice home that she has settled into and that can keep her safe, clean and with dignity.

I do understand about selling the house, though. It feels like you are going behind their back. It would be different if you could talk it over with them, but you cant - they wouldnt understand and would just get upset.

 

[LucindaS]

Thank you for all your kind and reassuring words. I love my mum with all my heart and I have given her the chance of a better quality of life.