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    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

feeling guilty wishing my nan would pass quickly

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by luvmenan, Jun 30, 2019.

  1. luvmenan

    luvmenan New member

    Jun 30, 2019
    4
    Please don't comment if your going to judge me but my nan (85) is now living in a nursing home which she hates but she can not live alone anymore. She was such an outgoing person travelled all over the world and the country on her own, went out with friends and even still played badminton/volleyball up until about 5 years ago. She went into care early this year and has gone downhill very quickly my nans body is overall healthy no problems other than vascular dementia but she is not my nan anymore I was one of her careers and to see how much she has changed in the last year is heartbreaking. Me and my nan were so close and I no from her seeing friends and family end up in homes she never wanted to end up like this I love my nan to bits and don't want her to die but I don't want to watch this scared, frail, crying when we leave wonderful women to suffer she would hate to know how her life has turned out and that she can't even dress herself etc. Does anyone else out their feel like this or am I just being selfish.
    Thanks
     
  2. Flutterby17

    Flutterby17 Registered User

    Apr 23, 2017
    19
    It's so very hard to watch this disease destroy someone you love. I'm in a similar position with my dad. I too wish he would pass quickly. Not because (as he thinks) that I want rid of him but because I want him to be at peace. He deserves that xx
     
  3. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,470
    @luvmenan it is perfectly normal to feel like you do. In fact I suspect that many carers of people with dementia feel the same way.

    I wish every day that my dad will die in his sleep but he won't. His alzheimers is getting worse, he has advanced cancer and he survived pneumonia, a heart attack and a stroke earlier this year. He is still in his own home with me caring for him but it's just going to get worse.

    I have no answers for you but I sympathise because it's hard.
     
  4. Rob_E

    Rob_E Registered User

    Feb 1, 2015
    162
    Male
    Liverpool
    #4 Rob_E, Jun 30, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2019
    I think it's very understandable that you feel as you do. Please don't feel guilty. It's awful seeing what this disease does to people. I've had similar feelings myself, was very close to mum, would stay up late sometimes talking over a cup of tea, sometimes something stronger, would regularly go out for dinner together and much more. Over the last 5 years that has all stopped and she has gone from being an active, independant woman to becoming totally dependant on others and lives in a very confused, frightening world.
     
  5. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    983
    Female
    Dorset
    Join the club lovemenan, join the club!
     
  6. luvmenan

    luvmenan New member

    Jun 30, 2019
    4
    Thanks for replying it's her 85 bday today but I saw her yesterday we thought too many people going today would be too much and it was a nice visit in a way but I don't really understand what she's saying anymore and I feel guilty that after a couple of hrs I just leave as I feel I have had enough this is my 1st post and I no I'm suffering from depression i feel lost and wish there was something I could do when she cries and tells me she wants to go home or why has her mum not been to visit her ( she died 50 yrs ago) all I can do is change the subject but its hard iv never had to deal with anything like this before so thanks again for the replies xx
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,890
    Female
    South coast
    I think things like birthdays always make it seem harder @luvmenan - perhaps because the milestone really brings it home how much they have changed. Dont feel guilty about leaving after a couple of hours - your mum will probably be worn out after that long anyway. Even if you have to leave after 20 mins, thats OK.
     
  8. silversea2020

    silversea2020 Registered User

    May 12, 2019
    81
    I think all we want for our loved ones when faced with situations like this is peace, peace for them and us not having to go through it....it’s very tough indeed - you are a lovely caring granddaughter
     
  9. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    336
    I'm another one who can empathise with you @luvmenan I have felt anger against my parents in my teens and younger days when I was told off for something or not allowed to do something I wanted to do but even then never wished for them to perish.

    My dad is now more or less a shell of his former shelf, requires 24hr care, doesn't speak coherently, is doubly incontinent, and can hardly do anything for himself. I don't think he's ever put down going into a care home but I know for sure he would be disgusted at the state he has declined to.
     
  10. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,227
    Essex
    Dad passed away nearly three weeks ago but when I was a carer there were times when I felt the same as you especially before diagnosis.

    MaNaAk
     
  11. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    235
    Female
    Know what you mean - I wish it every day for my Mum, I will be heartbroken when something does happen, but I wish she could go to sleep and not wake up. She has been in a nursing home for nearly 12 months now, it was one of her biggest fears, and she is not the Mum that I knew. I just want her to be at peace.
    Sending hugs
     
  12. Portia100874

    Portia100874 Registered User

    Jan 29, 2018
    42
    I totally feel the same, my darling mum is in later stages and it's devastating. She is a shell of her former self and is very anxious and far away when I visit. I long for her to be at peace it's what she deserves.
     
  13. Rach1985

    Rach1985 Registered User

    Jun 9, 2019
    398
    My Dad isn’t at that stage yet, but I have the feeling of wishing we could do some kind of negotiations, whereby we get 3 more good years then a heart attack. It sounds brutal and selfish but I have thought it. Like oh I only want the good stuff, but I feel if I could honestly have that conversation with my dad he would agree. So I do think we’ve all probably thought it, just not everyone admits to it. Doesn’t mean we feel it all the time, but I know I have done
     
  14. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    114
    channel islands
    Totally agree - my MIL says all the time she wishes she wasn't here and means it as she is aware she is deteriorating and would like to go for a swim and not come back. We often joke that I can drive here there as she cant walk far and that makes light of it. But in all seriousness, we all have some selfishness in us it not cruel, just human nature that we care even at the detriment of ourselves. Although this is not the case for other family members as others will know!
     
  15. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,293
    SW London
    I think your feelings are very normal. If you love someone, why would you want them to go on when they're not at all happy, are only going to get worse, and you know very well that the person they were before, would have absolutely hated to end up in this pitiful state, with every shred of dignity and independence stripped away?

    I felt just the same about my poor mother. She'd have been the first to say, For God's sake just let me go, and I only wish I could have ended it peacefully for her. We would never have allowed any 'striving to keep alive' for her, but thankfully the situation never arose.
    Please don't feel bad for feeling like this.
     
  16. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    387
    Female
    High Peak

    I echo these sentiments! I know full well what my mother felt about dementia because she has talked about it endlessly all my life! Mum valued her keen mind and independence more than anything. Her Living Will states her wishes to have no further medical treatment should she lose mental capacity.

    But here we are, 2 and a half years into care home life. With every visit a little more of her is gone. She lives in a frightening twilight world of delusion, confabulation, poor cognition, anxiety and paranoia. Plus all the usual things - broken hip a year ago so now only able to walk short distances with a frame, doubly incontinent yet still in denial that anything is wrong with her. But with few co-morbidities she could go on for years. I watch her decline and find myself thinking, 'How bad does she have to get, how long does she have to suffer? Why does she have to go through this degrading, undignified end for years when the only prognosis is further decline then death?

    The open-ended thing is so hard. I feel I've put my life on hold now, for the rest of her life which is very depressing. (We have never been close - she's not a nice person and really not my 'lovely old mum'!) It would be so much easier to deal with if someone said, 'It will end on such and such a date.' As it is I just feel inextricably tied to mum's twilight existence for the forseeable future...

    It could easily be another 10 years :(
     

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