Feeling guilty whateverer I do

[Kerryblue]

It's been a while since I last wrote. Our last attempts to get mum into a home fell apart at last minute. Mum was oblivious. There were problems with the home so we pulled out.
We have found another home and been waiting for a room. During the last few months we have been muddling through looking after mum but she really cannot be left alone. She cannot feed herself or remember anything short term at all.

Sadly she still prefers the company of others to us, her two children. She has spent Christmas With some very kind and patient relatives who always offer to give my brother and I a break. before Mum left she continued to insist she was perfectly fine and can look after herself. She has no insight or perception of her condition but sometimes she shows high emotional intelligence. She is paranoid and in flashes of clarity says she will never leave her home. She refuses to have carers or strangers help her and we are literally unable to cope with her. She has never been very kind to us. I am actually afraid of her and I am fifty!!!

We have now arranged for her to try the new home in ten days time. My brother and my lovely daughter are going to take her there when they pick her up from our relatives. We are giving an excuse why she cannot go home.

I know people do this all the time. I know I sound pathetic. I literally feel so so guilty. Part of me wants to stop the process now and try to get a full time carer at her home instead but she would never let them in or stay. She has driven everyone away when we tried before. Although this was with people we knew. She will hate going into the home even though it is lovely and she will be looked after. I have faith in the home but I fear the wrath of my mum when she realises what we have done and where she is.

The home fully understand the problem. My mum blames me for everything. I have "sent her away" for Christmas even though she was invited. Therefore I am not going on the day she is taken to the home. We have decided it is better to take her straight there rather than back to her home after her Xmas trip away.

I suppose I am looking for reassurance. Why do I feel so wretched? I feel a failure and hate myself that our relationship is and always has been so bad that I cannot look after her or live with her. I am returning to work soon after a year of serious illness. I have been taking her meals in twice a day and my brother has been staying with her some days of the week. If she were "nicer" it could be different but deep down I don't think it would be as she is unmanageable. Strangely she behaves perfectly with everyone else apart from my brother and I. She cannot follow a conversation or take part and has no short term memory at all. We have been told by her consultant that she needs 24 hour care.

The truth is that the guilt is eating me up. I cannot sleep. I go from feeling desperately sorry for her and then as soon as she is horrid to me again I cannot wait to get away from her. I cannot see her lasting in thr home. I think she will go balastic. On the other hand she could actually really benefit from the company and care etc.

I do not mean for this to be pathetic and winging post. I just wonder if others are out there who have always had such a turbulent relationship with their parents and find themselves in this position. Any advice would be gratefully received. What ever happens I just want my mum to be happy but she can't stay home alone and I cannot live with her. Are we being cruel by doing the one thing she said she never wanted to happen? Thank you for reading. I feel like a big black cloud is hanging over me and a big army of doom is approaching at D Day looms nearer.

 

[Amy in the US]

you are not alone

You do NOT sound pathetic.

You are NOT whinging.

What you sound like, is someone who is overwhelmed and at the end of their tether.

She needs 24 hour care, and you are making sure she gets what she needs.

You are NOT being cruel because you are going the care home route.

Repeat: it is okay for her to move into the care home!!! (And it is possible the care home could work out.)

I will start with this, so you get a response, and write more, but I do know there are others of us here on TP who have difficult parents with whom we've never had a satisfying or warm relationship, who now have dementia, and we find ourselves having to care for them even thought we'd rather not because they weren't stellar parents to us, and there are boatloads of resentment and anger and guilt and just a lot of misery all around.

I'm so, so, so sorry.

 

[Wildlife]

Hi Kerryblue-
I'm not in exactly the same position as you, but I do have some idea of how you're feeling. I've always had quite a good relationship with my Mum (who came to live with us 5 years ago in the early stages of AD), but I still need regular breaks from caring. This afternoon we took her to a care home for a week's respite care (telling her we've got decorators in - not true, we just need a break!)
And here comes the guilt - even though I know I (and more importantly, OH) need a rest, the guilt monster is still on my shoulder.
I think you just have to keep telling yourself that you're doing what is best for everyone, that your mother is just one person in the family and everyone is equally entitled to a life. Your mother will be safe (and might even enjoy the care home more than you think). Sending hugs.

 

[fizzie]

Kerry please don't feel guilty. You and your brother have done everything that you can to prolong the time that she could spend at home. Neither of you could have done more and the consultant has told you that she needs 24 hour care. It seems to me that you have tried every option and now it is time for a place of safety. You have chosen a home and then felt it wasn't good enough - that is the sign of a wonderful, caring daughter - and now you have found her somewhere lovely.

You might be surprised after the settling in period and she may adapt very well to being looked after full time. We are all afraid of the unknown and things won't change overnight but the one thing you can be sure of is that you could not have done more to keep your Mum safe. I hope you get some sleep (when I am really stressed or distressed I take Kalms - they take the edge off it all for me - might work

Keep posting, we all care xxxxx

 

[Amy in the US]

Some threads you might like to peruse

Here are some threads you might want to look at, to help reinforce the idea that you are not alone:

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...o-doesnt-care-back&highlight=difficult+parent

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...a-difficult-parent&highlight=difficult+parent

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?85405-I-am-a-dutiful-daughter

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?84995-So-stressed-today-about-mum

 

[DINKIEDOO69]

dont

It's been a while since I last wrote. Our last attempts to get mum into a home fell apart at last minute. Mum was oblivious. There were problems with the home so we pulled out.
We have found another home and been waiting for a room. During the last few months we have been muddling through looking after mum but she really cannot be left alone. She cannot feed herself or remember anything short term at all.

Sadly she still prefers the company of others to us, her two children. She has spent Christmas With some very kind and patient relatives who always offer to give my brother and I a break. before Mum left she continued to insist she was perfectly fine and can look after herself. She has no insight or perception of her condition but sometimes she shows high emotional intelligence. She is paranoid and in flashes of clarity says she will never leave her home. She refuses to have carers or strangers help her and we are literally unable to cope with her. She has never been very kind to us. I am actually afraid of her and I am fifty!!!

We have now arranged for her to try the new home in ten days time. My brother and my lovely daughter are going to take her there when they pick her up from our relatives. We are giving an excuse why she cannot go home.

I know people do this all the time. I know I sound pathetic. I literally feel so so guilty. Part of me wants to stop the process now and try to get a full time carer at her home instead but she would never let them in or stay. She has driven everyone away when we tried before. Although this was with people we knew. She will hate going into the home even though it is lovely and she will be looked after. I have faith in the home but I fear the wrath of my mum when she realises what we have done and where she is.

The home fully understand the problem. My mum blames me for everything. I have "sent her away" for Christmas even though she was invited. Therefore I am not going on the day she is taken to the home. We have decided it is better to take her straight there rather than back to her home after her Xmas trip away.

I suppose I am looking for reassurance. Why do I feel so wretched? I feel a failure and hate myself that our relationship is and always has been so bad that I cannot look after her or live with her. I am returning to work soon after a year of serious illness. I have been taking her meals in twice a day and my brother has been staying with her some days of the week. If she were "nicer" it could be different but deep down I don't think it would be as she is unmanageable. Strangely she behaves perfectly with everyone else apart from my brother and I. She cannot follow a conversation or take part and has no short term memory at all. We have been told by her consultant that she needs 24 hour care.

The truth is that the guilt is eating me up. I cannot sleep. I go from feeling desperately sorry for her and then as soon as she is horrid to me again I cannot wait to get away from her. I cannot see her lasting in thr home. I think she will go balastic. On the other hand she could actually really benefit from the company and care etc.

I do not mean for this to be pathetic and winging post. I just wonder if others are out there who have always had such a turbulent relationship with their parents and find themselves in this position. Any advice would be gratefully received. What ever happens I just want my mum to be happy but she can't stay home alone and I cannot live with her. Are we being cruel by doing the one thing she said she never wanted to happen? Thank you for reading. I feel like a big black cloud is hanging over me and a big army of doom is approaching at D Day looms nearer.

DONT feel guilty. you are doing whats best for your mum
Your feelings are normal. She may flourish in the home she may not but its not your doing.
How would you feel if she fell at home and you wernt there ? or if some other mishap occurred ?
Its a womans burden to feel guilty about kids parents etc etc but please dont and keep posting .

 

[Quilty]

Hello. I too have never had a goid relationship with my mother. It sounds to me that yoyr guilt is partvof grieving over this relationship. I fekt like this beforevmum moved to the care home. She was so horrible to me and so sweet to strangers. I git to the point that i hated her and felt so guilty about it. I have finally made peace with tge fact she will never be the mother i want or need. She is healthier and happier in the ch than she ever was at home. When she moved she list her power as she was no longer in charge. It can work so give it time. Im still recovering from the past 3 years of abuse and 46 years of bad parenting. Firgive yourself. Its not your fault - you didnt cause it or choose it. Big hug for strength. Love quilty.

 

[Kerryblue]

Hello. I too have never had a goid relationship with my mother. It sounds to me that yoyr guilt is partvof grieving over this relationship. I fekt like this beforevmum moved to the care home. She was so horrible to me and so sweet to strangers. I git to the point that i hated her and felt so guilty about it. I have finally made peace with tge fact she will never be the mother i want or need. She is healthier and happier in the ch than she ever was at home. When she moved she list her power as she was no longer in charge. It can work so give it time. Im still recovering from the past 3 years of abuse and 46 years of bad parenting. Firgive yourself. Its not your fault - you didnt cause it or choose it. Big hug for strength. Love quilty.

Thank you for responding. I feel for you and am glad you have acceptance. The trouble is I feel that it is my fault! I feel guilty writing such things but I have to say them. My mum now tells me she misses me. She wants to hug me and kiss me. I wish I felt the same. I can easily tell you it's not your fault. Need to follow my own advice!! Thank you again xx

 

[Kerryblue]

Hello. I too have never had a goid relationship with my mother. It sounds to me that yoyr guilt is partvof grieving over this relationship. I fekt like this beforevmum moved to the care home. She was so horrible to me and so sweet to strangers. I git to the point that i hated her and felt so guilty about it. I have finally made peace with tge fact she will never be the mother i want or need. She is healthier and happier in the ch than she ever was at home. When she moved she list her power as she was no longer in charge. It can work so give it time. Im still recovering from the past 3 years of abuse and 46 years of bad parenting. Firgive yourself. Its not your fault - you didnt cause it or choose it. Big hug for strength. Love quilty.

You are so right. Thank you for your time. I am grieving. I am still grieving for my lovely dad who shielded us so much from what I believe was mum's long standing narcissism and mental illness. I am glad your mum is happy and healthier in the care home. My mum might change too. I don't know. Thank you so much xxxxx

 

[Kerryblue]

DONT feel guilty. you are doing whats best for your mum
Your feelings are normal. She may flourish in the home she may not but its not your doing.
How would you feel if she fell at home and you wernt there ? or if some other mishap occurred ?
Its a womans burden to feel guilty about kids parents etc etc but please dont and keep posting .

Thank you. You are so right. I said the same thing to my brother. We will feel worse if she does have an accident I even feel guilty thinking and writing about what I feel. It's not about me and yet I am eaten up inside. This forum is such a help. Guilt and confusion. Not a good combination. My brother has been really good though as I was in hospital for months and unable to do anything but his relationship was always better with my mum than mine. Now she horrible to him and he says he is only doing what he has to do as a sense of duty. Thank you again xxx

 

[Kerryblue]

Here are some threads you might want to look at, to help reinforce the idea that you are not alone:

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...o-doesnt-care-back&highlight=difficult+parent

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...a-difficult-parent&highlight=difficult+parent

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?85405-I-am-a-dutiful-daughter

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?84995-So-stressed-today-about-mum

Amy thank you again. So much in common with these postings..... Really helpful xxx

 

[Kerryblue]

You do NOT sound pathetic.

You are NOT whinging.

What you sound like, is someone who is overwhelmed and at the end of their tether.

She needs 24 hour care, and you are making sure she gets what she needs.

You are NOT being cruel because you are going the care home route.

Repeat: it is okay for her to move into the care home!!! (And it is possible the care home could work out.)

I will start with this, so you get a response, and write more, but I do know there are others of us here on TP who have difficult parents with whom we've never had a satisfying or warm relationship, who now have dementia, and we find ourselves having to care for them even thought we'd rather not because they weren't stellar parents to us, and there are boatloads of resentment and anger and guilt and just a lot of misery all around.

I'm so, so, so sorry.

Thank you for replying. You certainly got the ball rolling for me! I don't know what will happen none of us do. She might forget home and be okay but I fear the worse. I agree time will tell. While she has been away over Christmss her long standing neighbour has moved away. She is even more alone and vulnerable. We cannot put off the inevitable. Thanks for your kindness. It means a lot.

 

[Kerryblue]

Hi Kerryblue-
I'm not in exactly the same position as you, but I do have some idea of how you're feeling. I've always had quite a good relationship with my Mum (who came to live with us 5 years ago in the early stages of AD), but I still need regular breaks from caring. This afternoon we took her to a care home for a week's respite care (telling her we've got decorators in - not true, we just need a break!)
And here comes the guilt - even though I know I (and more importantly, OH) need a rest, the guilt monster is still on my shoulder.
I think you just have to keep telling yourself that you're doing what is best for everyone, that your mother is just one person in the family and everyone is equally entitled to a life. Your mother will be safe (and might even enjoy the care home more than you think). Sending hugs.

Thank you. I am glad you are getting a break. I don't know what my mum realises and does not. I don't know how or why she can turn on and off her pleasantness to others. Will that go or stay? Anyway while you have a break enjoy some quality time with your OH and get some rest xxx

 

[Josooty]

Hi kerryblue, I've just found TP, your situation sounds very similar to mine. I'm going out of my mind with guilt, sadness, mourning, hurt, frustration, bitterness to name but a few. I just need someone to talk to who understands.
My mom has been slowly getting more and more forgetful and confused over the past couple of years and it's recently dawned on me that the person who was my mom has now gone and now she doesn't seem to care at all about me and my children any more. I've had to take over all of her finances and anytime her and my dad (who is also deteriorating rapidly after a stroke) need anything they call me. However she'll then turn on me for the least little thing and accuse me of taking all her money and taking over her life. She'll then forget she's said it and I have to try and move on. I try my hardest to find ways to explain things to her so she can understand but she's just so ungrateful and nasty to me which makes it really hard for me to motivate myself with her. She won't accept help from anyone else.
We used to see each other every day but now she never calls me and goes past my house to walk her dog and doesn't pop in to see us. The hurt is consuming me but still I call her and try to be upbeat and cheery - which is so hard.
She used to spend every Christmas Day with us but this year I took my children to see her. She had no recollection of the presents I'd took her to get as she'd moved them into another room after I'd wrapped them for her. My son said she looked like a child who'd been told off when I went to go and find them. I just don't know how to communicate with my mom anymore, I'm not her parent yet I have to act like one! She used to be my rock and now she's gone, yet I can still see her!
I have no help with my parents as my brothers don't bother with them and I'm a single parent and therefore have no one who understands what I'm going through. My one brother took advantage of the situation and stole from her but she's forgot that and all that I did to rectify it and now just thinks I'm nasty for not getting on with him. She says to me 'at least he calls me everyday!'

Good luck with getting your mum to go into the home, I can fully appreciate what your going through as my mom would be exactly the same. Jo x