It's been a while since I last wrote. Our last attempts to get mum into a home fell apart at last minute. Mum was oblivious. There were problems with the home so we pulled out. We have found another home and been waiting for a room. During the last few months we have been muddling through looking after mum but she really cannot be left alone. She cannot feed herself or remember anything short term at all. Sadly she still prefers the company of others to us, her two children. She has spent Christmas With some very kind and patient relatives who always offer to give my brother and I a break. before Mum left she continued to insist she was perfectly fine and can look after herself. She has no insight or perception of her condition but sometimes she shows high emotional intelligence. She is paranoid and in flashes of clarity says she will never leave her home. She refuses to have carers or strangers help her and we are literally unable to cope with her. She has never been very kind to us. I am actually afraid of her and I am fifty!!! We have now arranged for her to try the new home in ten days time. My brother and my lovely daughter are going to take her there when they pick her up from our relatives. We are giving an excuse why she cannot go home. I know people do this all the time. I know I sound pathetic. I literally feel so so guilty. Part of me wants to stop the process now and try to get a full time carer at her home instead but she would never let them in or stay. She has driven everyone away when we tried before. Although this was with people we knew. She will hate going into the home even though it is lovely and she will be looked after. I have faith in the home but I fear the wrath of my mum when she realises what we have done and where she is. The home fully understand the problem. My mum blames me for everything. I have "sent her away" for Christmas even though she was invited. Therefore I am not going on the day she is taken to the home. We have decided it is better to take her straight there rather than back to her home after her Xmas trip away. I suppose I am looking for reassurance. Why do I feel so wretched? I feel a failure and hate myself that our relationship is and always has been so bad that I cannot look after her or live with her. I am returning to work soon after a year of serious illness. I have been taking her meals in twice a day and my brother has been staying with her some days of the week. If she were "nicer" it could be different but deep down I don't think it would be as she is unmanageable. Strangely she behaves perfectly with everyone else apart from my brother and I. She cannot follow a conversation or take part and has no short term memory at all. We have been told by her consultant that she needs 24 hour care. The truth is that the guilt is eating me up. I cannot sleep. I go from feeling desperately sorry for her and then as soon as she is horrid to me again I cannot wait to get away from her. I cannot see her lasting in thr home. I think she will go balastic. On the other hand she could actually really benefit from the company and care etc. I do not mean for this to be pathetic and winging post. I just wonder if others are out there who have always had such a turbulent relationship with their parents and find themselves in this position. Any advice would be gratefully received. What ever happens I just want my mum to be happy but she can't stay home alone and I cannot live with her. Are we being cruel by doing the one thing she said she never wanted to happen? Thank you for reading. I feel like a big black cloud is hanging over me and a big army of doom is approaching at D Day looms nearer.