Feeling Guilty Now....

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Taffy, Nov 15, 2007.

  1. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    When I placed mum in a home last May I never felt guilty as such because I had explored every possible avenue to keep mum at home but hit a brick wall every time.

    The sorrow always run deep but the guilt now, is enormous. Some may remember my post based on the lack of care mum received after her fall and my concerns about her personal care. All these things were addressed with management. I was given all the lame excuses and assured things would improve, her personal care did improve but was short lived.

    About ten days ago when I visited mum she had a crepe bandage on her leg when I asked her what had happened to her leg she looked down at the bandage and said, some one must have sneaked in when I wasn't looking and put that on, I don't know what their caper is. I told her to leave it on and whoever put it there would come back for it, she thought that was a good idea. (I think I'm madder than her at times.)

    The most feasible reason for her cut leg is she walked into something.(probably no glasses) Mum removed the bandage and the wound was then dressed with gauze, sterile patch and tape. I was concerned about the redness and went and asked the RN if she could look at mum's leg when she had a spare minute her reply was I'll come now as I don't want to be in trouble ( this remark was because of the other incident that I took to management) I choose to ignore that comment as I'm sure it was just to let me know she wasn't happy over the management involvement, she would have being less happy if I had of taken it to the CEO.

    The RN said she would keep a eye on mum's leg and if the GP visited she would have him look at it. The GP didn't visit, the leg didn't get any better and in all fairness mum's picking at the wound didn't help. Last Monday I wasn't happy with mum or her leg and went to tell the RN, she was on holidays and the other RN came and said mum needs antibiotics and because the GP wouldn't be in until the end of the week she would fax and request a prescription for antibiotics this was Monday and she thought that they should arrive Tuesday afternoon at the latest.

    Tuesday, mum is very agitated she always asks about coming home and I told her that I would take her to my daughters tomorrow. I couldn't take her then because I had running around to do for dad. Wednesday, mum is sound asleep in the chair when I arrived I took her to my daughters and she slept nearly the whole time the carer told me that she had to wake mum that morning and said she was confused. No antibiotics had arrived I phoned again last night to see if they had come and was told no.

    This morning I went to the RN and asked WHY no antibiotics, this is the reason she gave me; I know I told you that I faxed the GP but, he never got back to me and he came yesterday and I got him to see your mother and he has ordered antibiotics and hopefully they arrive to-day.

    I just feel sick with all of this and if anything happens to mum while she is there it's more my fault because I am aware of things. My daughters friend is a care attendant and rang and told me not to bring mum home as her experience with people doing so after the resident had became institutionalised is disastrous. I have looked into another home which I have heard is excellent only fifteen residents but with the waiting list, priority is given to whom posts the largest bond and the money they are talking, the house would have to be sold but, not possible, as dad lives there and he could go also into the assisted hostel, but he wont. I don't blame him. Thanks for listening I'm feeling really down. Taffy.
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Taffy

    I'm not surprised you're down. It's hard enough letting our loved ones go into care, without having to feel they're being neglected.

    It does sound as if your mum's leg should have had treatment much earlier, and I hope she's getting the antibiotics now.

    It can take 3/4 days for the antibiotic to kick in, and it would be natural for your mum to be sleeping a lot. John started on antibiotics on Monday evening, and yesterday and the day before he slept all the time. I'm despertely worried about him, but I know he's receiving the best possible treatment. I'd be climbing the walls otherwise.

    I think you should certainly be considering a move, if at all possible.

    One of the most worrying aspects is that it looks as if you may be being penalised for complaining. I know that's something we all fear, but it really shouldn't happen. The staff should be as concerned as you are for your mum's welfare.

    Not much I can say to help, but I do know how you feel.

    Love and hugs,
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,884
    Kent
    Dear Taffy,
    I`m so sorry you`re taking on the responsibility for everyone else`s failings.

    Because the home isn`t living up to the standard promised, it isn`t your fault. I know you feel that as you are aware of your mother`s problems it`s up to you to solve them, but it really is not.

    If your mother is in residential care, it is the responsibility of the care home to address all her needs. It is not your responsibility to police them in order to draw the attention of the home to them.

    As far as having to sell your parent`s home to finance better care for your mother, are you sure? I don`t know about Australia, but I do know in the UK, no-one can be forced out of their home to finance care for a husband or wife. But I know nothing about the `Bonds` you wrote about.

    Would you consider putting all your complaints in writing to the management of your mother`s home. They seem to have a very laid back attitude.

    I really sympathize. My mother was in a home which presented itself as a 5* hotel, but the care left a lot to be desired. It took me ages to have her moved, and I did feel guilty each time I visited and each time I left her there.

    But her home had already been sold, as she was a widow, so the finance was there.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Wish I new what to say that would make you feel better, but am not in your shoes , but does sound like your doing your best and guilt just a waste of energy that you don't need in your life now XX
     
  5. cynron

    cynron Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    429
    east sussex
    Yes my husband was also in a 5 star hotel pretender where the care was also missing I moved him out, this time he needed an ambulance:eek:,although 5 weeks earlier he had walked in from my car.


    Cynthia x x
     
  6. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Sory taffy for your mums and your plight.I don't know how things work with GP's where you live,but the ones we deal with are brilliant.We can phone them with any problem and if possible get a script there and then,if need be the GP will visit the same day.It's unfair to expect an elderly person to have an infection and it go without treatment because of the day of the week.It's a sad state of affairs when this happens and i hope you and mum are ok.love elainex
     
  7. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Hazel,
    Mum finally received the antibiotics yesterday afternoon and like you said, they will take 3/4 days to make a difference but thank heavens she has them now. I went early this morning to see her and despite saying her leg was sore mum was more aware. I can only hope the antibiotics are the right ones as her wound is oozing through the dressing. I agree with you Hazel I feel this RN wasn't going to be told by me that mum needed to see a doctor. The RN drew with pen a line around the infection and said if it spreads outside the line she will get her antibiotics despite the fact mum's leg was very red and hot. I do hope that you soon see a improvement with John. Best Wishes to you both.

    Dear Sylvia,
    No one can force you to sell your house and I'll try to explain about the bond...it's called an Accommodation Bond and it's like a interest free loan to the care home and it must be used to improve building standards or care services provided etc. The government sets a maximum retention amount of $273.50 a month for up to five years. Because dad is still living in the house the house isn't an asset and both mum and dad must be left with $33,000 each in assets so what ever they have over this amount is halved and mum share is asked for as a bond.

    There is no fixed amount for a bond it is agreed upon between you and the provider and usually that amount is whatever is left after the $33,000. It's a fair system I feel because whatever is left after the five year retention is deducted (provided your there for the five years) is returned to either the person or their estate minus the interest of cause, this is what the care homes rely on. This is why it is very hard to get into the better care homes they want large bonds and prefer single home owners or couples both prepared to enter their establishment. All providers must take at least a minimum number of concessional and assisted residents.

    Sylvia, you hit the nail on the head with "very laid back attitude" I'm sure they have had a number of complaints. I am writing to management as then they have to file the complaint and I have to receive a written response.

    Dear Margarita, thank you for your reply and your right I could do without the guilt but I know from Hazel's post how sick the infection made John and with a UTI it's usually well established before treatment starts but in mum's case it was very obvious a week ago.

    Dear Cynthia, you have to wonder how management sleeps at night. I feel where mum is, the lack of care is due solely on miserly management. One carer told me the staff moral is at a all time low.

    Dear Elaine, the Dr's surgery mum attended wont visit the care home so she sees the visiting GP and he comes once a week having said that, the RN that first looked at mum's leg said it was if ee (SP) if the Dr would come that week as their were only a few to see. The reality of it is the care home needs him so he calls the shots that's my opinion. I'm waiting on a call from a government body to find out our rights in taking mum to a GP outside the home and about how the medication side would work.

    Thanks Taffy.
     
  8. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Taffy.i think your right about the GP calling the shots.preposterous if you ask me.I went in work today(after being off ill for 3 weeks) to get the gen on whats going on as i am back in tomorrow.Whilst i was ther i witnessed the care team leader speaking to one of our GP's.She actually demanded a visit and threatend to call 999 if they didn't visit(knowing it wasn't a 999 anyway).The fact was that a resident has some infection that is making them portray very very unusual behaviour,Deb wasn't letting this go as it is now weekend and the resident needed medication.she got a result and the GP visited!We all do it,but it takes a strong will not to back down.Thats where my mercenary title comes from i think,i would have done exactly the same as Deb did.Not all staff are the same and i accept that,but care is the title of their job and persistence and insistence is sometimes called for.love elainex
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Taffy, I hope the antibiotics kick in soon. John's didn't work, so he's now started on a new one.

    In John's NH they keep their own GP, and the charge nurse calls them in when required. That's if the patient is local, of course. I don't know what the system is for those who come from outside the area.

    Love,
     
  10. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Taffy,
    I am so very sorry to hear about your Mum. The worry and stres as we all know we can well do without.
    Peter, although he is in the latter stages, had dangerously high blood pressure, normally he ends up having another mild strok.
    The Care Home phones the Doctor and he came immediately.
    For a couple of weeks now Peter has been stacking furniture up and climbing up it. In fact he is climbing on anything. Later Tuesday night my case worker and also a brilliant friend had gone to see Peter. Next morning, I telephoned his Consultant and within 10 minutes had phone N.H. to increase a drug. He will call into see Peter before his surgery Monday morning.
    Manager of N.H. was quite taken back as he had never encountered this from a Consultant before. Peter's Consultant knows all about my disability and has been brilliant. I do pray the antibiotics work. At the end of the day, we know our loved ones better than anyone.
    Take care of your self. Bet wishes. Christine
     
  11. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Hazel, I am sorry the first lot of antibiotics didn't work for John. Hope and prayers the next lot will. Mum is improving, today the redness has stopped spreading and may even have decreased a little. I went in at lunch time and she ate all her lunch and I asked for her dressing to be changed before I left as it was the same one as yesterday morning and mum had put some paper towel behind the dressing. I think this was probably because she seen the oozing. I hope you see a big improvement in John soon. Love Taffy.



    Dear Elaine, The care homes GP is a 10 min(if that) drive away. The home likes you to have one GP only which is understandable I could take mum to her old GP but he wont go to the home. Mum is fortunate that she doesn't have any other health problems she is only on a anti-depressant plus two panadol three times a day for her shoulder pain. I was told today that I can make an appointment and take mum to the homes GP as other family members do. I'll definitely be doing this in the future, any sign of redness it will be off to the GP. Love Taffy


    Dear Christine, you also have your share of worries. I am glad that you have such a caring case worker and what a bonus a true friend as well. The consultant is a blessing as well, it's nice to know people do actually care. How is your son Going? I do hope that things are OK there. I hope the new dosage of medication works for Peter. Love Taffy.
     
  12. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    We all feel guilty in some way

    Dear Taffy,
    Thank you for your message. Like us all you are going through that GUILT feeling.Each time I visit Peter I feel guilty, when I am at home I feel guilty. At the end of the day we are making sure our loved ones are receiving the correct care. Thank you for asking about my son. He is like me stubborn and taking each day as it comes. They say it doesn't rain but pour.His youngest son who is in the Army and of to Iraq in March, is now is Hospital - lost the top of his finger on training. Now if it had been taking the top of a bottle of beer, I would have understood. Last December he was in Australia (where I have family) on training.
    We can only do our best and you are doing so much for your Mum out of love. She would be proud of you. Take Care. Christine
     
  13. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Christine, sorry about your grandson hope he is out of hospital soon, I bet he found Australia hot in December. We are already getting the hot days and I don't like the heat.

    My sister and her family live in the UK she is also severely disabled her disabilities are caused from severe osteoporosis the Dr's there have been marvellous with her. Her kidneys are failing now and last year she had a heart attack but, like you and your son she is a real fighter she takes after my dad there. I think the antibiotics are working for mum her leg didn't look quite as red today although yesterday she seemed better in herself than she appeared today. Caring Thoughts Taffy.
     
  14. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    dear taffy and christine,amcrying now at the post,love and am thinkin bout you all elainex
     
  15. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Up Date On Mum

    Mum's leg is much better now and the wound has formed a scab. I have being smothering her legs with sorbolene as they are very dry and I don't wont her to scratch the scab off.

    I was told that it is my right to take mum to another DR if I choose. I will only do this if I feel she needs medical treatment and the visiting GP isn't available. This GP has rooms within 10 min drive of the facility. I would try there first and if I can't get a appointment then I'll take mum to her own GP.

    I'm not real keen on the visiting GP he has a arrogant attitude but having said that, I have to be mindful that if mum does take sick and is too unwell to visit her GP then it's wise not to upset the apple cart. Thankfully, mum doesn't have any real health problems.

    It is my intention to one day move mum and I have looked into other facilities but I feel it is in mum's best interest to stay put until such times as when the house can be sold. I must get it right next time. Regards Taffy.
     

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