1. garfield3

    garfield3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    Hello fellow ex -journeymen,

    Hope things are not too bad for all.

    Got a few questions for you. Generally feeling ok stressed about flights but know that will be sorted tomorrow, hopefully! !
    The funeral will be w/c 21st Oct. No date yet.dad is doing the registration, looking at a plots & seeing F. D. tomorrow.
    I feel bothered that I'm not worse? At my uncles cremation in Feb i was a basket case and cried for the whole sevice. I don't want this to happen again with mum. How can I help myself? It was the longest 45mims in my life. It is going to be in the local church and therefore longer?? *****!! More people probably. Uncle's only 12.

    I also want to see mum .I wasn't there for her at the end and wanted to be. feel I owe her. Hubby doesn't understand and thinks it is a bad idea. My worry is that I will have a really bad experience and it'll give me problems at the funeral or later.

    Any advice would be much appreciated. Sorry for the ramblings

  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It sounds as if you are holding it together Sue until you get here and until you decide whether or not you will visit your mother.

    If your mum is being embalmed your fears may be groundless.

    I have no experience of visiting a funeral parlour or chapel of rest other than for my husband. I was adamant I didn`t want to see him but changed my mind , not wanting any regrets.

    He was embalmed and it was a great comfort to me to see him looking so peaceful and 100 times better than he had looked at the end of his life. My reaction caused our son to visit him too and he was glad and relieved he had done so.

    You have time to decide. Don`t rush .
  3. garfield3

    garfield3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    #3 garfield3, Oct 14, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2019
    Thanks Granny Get. I think part of it is that I aways visited mum at the home when I /we were back. Phoned once a week. Saw her as much as possible. This year one time she was a nasty white colour. Need to say a proper cheerio. I spoke to dad Friday and he said that he'll speak to the funeral directors today after registration about viewing. I'll be heartbroken if I can't. Still might bottle on the day though.

    Saw gran when I was twelve at home and was tramatised for months. Also saw my uncle about a month before he died, in bed really poorly . He was blind too. Stood near the door frightened to go nearer. Really, ***! ! Always regretted it and have vowed not to be like it again.

    I know mum will look different.

    Thanks suexx
  4. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    I have spent the last week looking at photos and videos of The Banjoman taken several years ago to remind me of what he used to be like rather than how he looked for the past couple of years and immediately before he died. There is no way I want to remember him like that!
  5. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    #5 Bunpoots, Oct 14, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2019
    I went to see my mum at the funeral directors. She looked really peaceful, as if she was sleeping - I almost expected her to wake up! I chose not to see my dad. I saw him at the carehome and he looked peaceful, he was still warm and tucked up in bed. It was a month before the funeral could be held so I chose not to see him again.

    I don't remember my parents like that when I think of them now. But they both looked more peaceful at the end than they had while in the grasp of dementia so I'm glad I made those last visits.

    I found that with both mum and dad, because they'd been so ill and gradually drifted away from me, that I grieved less for them than I did for my aunt who was still with us mentally when she died.
  6. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    East Midlands
    So sorry for the loss of your mum @garfield3 it is very hard but also a very personal decision if you decide to see her at the funeral place. I decided not to see my mum. I stayed with her in hospital for long stays when she was put on end of life care meds & I wasn’t with her when she passed but I preferred to remember her in life in other ways prior to dementia & didn’t want to feel even more traumatised than I felt already. That was just my view xx
  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    I totally get what you are going through, my biological Mum assed away over a year ago ( I’m adopted) & I wasn’t there ( allowed by her husband to be present ) at her passing.
    I so desperately wanted to see her at the time but wasn’t allowed or given the chance.

    in hindsight after Mum had died she wasn’t there in her body anymore. I’m glad that I didn’t have the last experience now of holding a cold hand; that memory of holding her warm but unresponsive hand / I want the occasional twitch to have meant she knew I was there but by that point who knows .... has brought me the knowledge with hindsight that the body is a vessel we travel life in. For me I now know that it wouldn’t be right & would just distress myself further.

    The fact that dementia takes so much from our loved ones means at times physically they are almost unrecognisable, so I look at photos of my lovely vibrant loving laughing mum & cry & sme at the warm sunny times we had.

    you must do what feels right for you. Your husband is worried about you, & while the turmoil of bereavement carries us along its very hard to be objective ( looking back I can see this only to clearly) there is o right or wrong decisions - but do think about you a little more at this sad time

    sending love & light & ((((((hugs))))))
  8. Marnie63

    Marnie63 Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    It's very personal, as we all know, but you'll never get that chance again. I'm not the bravest of people, and of course it's very shocking to see someone dead, but for me it's some kind of closure, to see them right at the end. Mum looked very poorly and pained when she passed in hospital, but when I went to see her a couple of days later in the bereavement suite (still at the hospital), her face was so relaxed. She looked like mum, she even looked like she was about to break into a smile. It was horrid to see her dead in one sense, but it was comforting to see her relaxed face. I also went to see her several times at the FDs and on the day of the funeral I stayed with her while they sealed the coffin. Again, it gave me comfort that I saw her through to the end.

    It's not for everyone, but it gives me comfort that I saw both of my parents right to the end, even in death.
  9. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    I went to see my Dad when he passed away (not dementia), he had been in a lot of pain but when we saw him he looked like he used to before he was ill. He really looked as if he was asleep and I am glad that I did go. I was very close to my Dad and I worried that I would break down at the funeral, but I didn't want to upset Mum, just about managed it and broke down afterwards at home, but now I feel bad in case people thought I wasn't upset - sometimes we can't get things right no matter what we do.

    My mum, years ago, went to see her sister when she died and she too looked peaceful but my Mum did say that the Funeral Directors hadn't got her hair "styled" properly. I don't know if it is possible, but it might be something to think about, and that is if you have a photo of your Mum then take it to the F.D.

    Of course it has to be your decision whether to go or not, but if you do go then please try and get someone to go with you, for moral support - it does help. Whatever you decide it has to be what you feel comfortable with.

    Sending hugs and take care x
  10. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    I think as a society we worry to much about how we are perceived. Grief is a personal experience & no one person experiences it the same. At funerals a wide gamut of emotions is experienced- don’t feel bad.

    at my granny’s funeral I got a case of the giggles .... at the lowering of the coffin I almost lost my balance & fell in as the ground was very wet- what springs into my mind the Absolutely Fabulous episode where Patsy falls in the grave!

    I had to try & stop giggling, impossible....so
    what I am saying is really don’t worry about if you cried or not I’ve done far worse things & survived & explained how I felt & it was excepted by all( few raised eyebrows but hey!!)

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