1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Feeling drained and guilty........

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by kennedy1948, Aug 27, 2015.

  1. kennedy1948

    kennedy1948 Registered User

    Oct 7, 2013
    58
    Huntingdon
    My husband Tony was diagnosed with vascular dementia just over a year ago although his symptoms have gone on for much longer. I look in on the forum frequently and am thankful for all the knowledge I have gained from you all. In the past 3 months the disease has progressed and we have had the most awful 10 days and I'm not coping very well. I was out for 30 minutes last week and came back to find he had drunk concentrate fabric conditioner........thinking it was lemon drink! Our G.P called the poisons unit who confirmed that it was a corrosive toxin and advised taking him to A & E. We were there for 6 hours while they monitored him ........thankfully no harm done and I've locked the cleaning stuff away. Yesterday I was spending the afternoon with my friend and I arranged for family to be with him for most of the time I was out. My daughter had to pop out for 20 minutes and in that time my neighbour found him crying in the garden having been searching for me and saying that he couldn't find me and that someone had taken me away. I had left big notes all over the house saying where I was, who I was with and what time I would be home. He was in such a state and had had an anxiety attack, which is something new. He follows me around a lot now and is fine when I am with him. I am so sad and feel guilty that I wasn't home. I don't know what to do for the best.
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,490
    Female
    London
    You need to get help! This can't all be on your shoulders. Get assessments from Social Services. Look into day centres and sitting service. If he gets himself into danger when left alone then he is a vulnerable adult at risk and they can't turn you away. They are the ones with duty of care, not you. Phone them tomorrow.
     
  3. kennedy1948

    kennedy1948 Registered User

    Oct 7, 2013
    58
    Huntingdon
    Thank you Beate .........I will
     
  4. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Absolutely agree with Beate. You can't cope on your own, 24/7, and though you may have to be, er, firm with Social Services etc, you must insist. Good luck. xxx
     
  5. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    979
    Colchester
    Feeling drained.

    Please try to arrange for him to go to day care even if only a few hours a week. I left it too late and my husband will not let me leave him anywhere. I have managed to get a fews hours with Crossroads which is where someone comes to your home and stays to keep your OH safe. I feel like I have no life because even going out with him is a constant worry. He distracts me when I,m driving. He has to be watched in shops as he puts things in his pockets. He does peculiar things at the table when eating so eating out is spoilt. Talks to complete strangers like he has known them for years. The only way I can have a little bit of time to myself is when Crossroads man sits in but that time has to be spent doing the food shop and other boring things. Once your OH gets used to daycare you may get a chance at a few short breaks. Please try. If not ask about Crossroads and if you can register with them you can go out knowing he is being looked after. Good luck.
     
  6. kennedy1948

    kennedy1948 Registered User

    Oct 7, 2013
    58
    Huntingdon
    Thank you for your advice . I spoke to Social Services today and they are coming to see me in 2 weeks. I will also look into Crossroads. Completely understand about OH talking to complete strangers as Tony does that and swears that they must be friends and insists that I know them. I feel like a prisioner in my own marriage ........that makes me sound so selfish but it's how I feel.
     
  7. tigerqueen

    tigerqueen Registered User

    Mar 11, 2014
    75
    Essex
    I agree with all the advice given, and please don't beat yourself up. I'm sure everyone here understands what you are going through, I certainly do. xx
     
  8. kennedy1948

    kennedy1948 Registered User

    Oct 7, 2013
    58
    Huntingdon
    Thank you all so much xx
     
  9. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    979
    Colchester
    Feeling drained.

    I absolutely understand. And I don't think you are selfish. Our life as we knew it ended slowly over the last 7 years.Now whatever we do usually ends up with me feeling very embarrassed and wound up. Shopping has become so difficult that since last week I am now going to go shopping whilst crossroads sit in with him. I cannot remember when I last had the pleasure of looking round the shops in peace. Also he doesn't like to have to wait about to long so appointments like the dentist on Saturday I have to keep getting him to sit down again when he wants to walk out and I try to keep him interested in pictures in magazines. I would love to have a short break but until I find somewhere that will be happy to look after him that is not going to happen. Please try really hard to get him in day care even if only once a week. Just for the simple reason of getting him used to being without you for a few hours. I wish I had tried him much earlier when his could have perhaps have been interested in what happened in Daycare. Good luck with crossroads.x
     
  10. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Sorry if I offend anyone here by stating the obvious, but rather than spending your really precious me time on doing the weekly shop, give on line shopping a try. You can add to your list all week, review it, and get it delivered too. The supermarkets are always offering money off for your first delivery etc and if you rotate the supermarkets and ignore the ones you have done , they email you with another discount to get you back.

    Just an idea but thought it may help you to free your time to enjoy yourself once in a while.
     
  11. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    I would love to try that but have heard of awful stories of them sending stuff they think suitable because what you have asked for is out of stock.

    But I like my "me time" to wander round the aisles browsing.......lets me think
     
  12. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,839
    Suffolk
    If they do, send it back! If it's really bad, don't use that supermarket again. But with most of them you can specify exactly what you want.
    Im sure you can think of somewhere nicer to chill out!
     
  13. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    I know what you mean....but I think the delivery services are on the whole very good.

    I get all my basics delivered, especially heavy things, then if I feel like it, I can wander about choosing fresh food like fruit or fish or the like. Or even having the odd coffee :D xx
     
  14. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    Yes I suppose the park or the beach, but I like to write so like to people watch
     
  15. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    979
    Colchester
    Mrsbusy

    Thankyou and I have done online shopping but I much prefer to go and look around. I live in a village with no shops,pubs or anything so I need to go shopping just to feel normal. Online when I have to but not every week. Thankyou anyway.x
     
  16. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,719
    Female
    Dundee
    They tell you when it's delivered if they have put in an alternative. You're given the option to not accept that alternative. I find the one I use very reliable.
     
  17. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    I was an online grocery virgin until about 5 years ago. I tried them all, until I decided which one to use. I've been delighted with the service I've received. If anything isn't up to scratch, they immediately refund you.
     
  18. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    647
    NW UK
    I recommend online shopping too. I get most of my heavy shopping delivered too.
    Then I can shop for extra fresh meat and veggies at my leisure.
    I've had a few odd items substituted, but not many, and you can always refuse them.

    I've only done it a couple of times, but when the quality of something was not as good /bad,
    I send an email, saying I was not happy with X, and they have refunded me.
    I didn't send a bolshy letter, just a few lines of Customer Feedback.

    Please give it a go...

    I had trouble shopping with my husband too. Over a couple of years we gradually stopped .
    Tried a smaller 'express' supermarket , after a few months, even this was too much.
    Too much stimulation, light, noise, negotiating people, aisles....

    In the end, the only shopping trips we did were to have a snack, meal, coffee.
    we would only go out a quieter times, not busy lunch/evening.

    I used to use my Crossroads time ( 1 x month ) for doing something other than shopping.


    If I had to pop out, just for 20-30 minutes, one of the ways that worked for my husband (for a little while)
    was to find a programme on TV he liked, and give him a picnic lunch to eat in front of the TV
    (as long as your husband is not at risk of choking/ swallowing, he should be OK)

    I gave him extra food, knowing that it would take him ages to eat, and told him I would be back by the end of the programme (fingers crossed).

    I left large instructions notes too, with my mobile number on and 'last number dialled' if he needed to call me.
    Notes in the bathroom, kitchen, front door, next to him on the couch, in front of the TV....


    I know what you mean about feeling guilty, please try and make sure you do something for you.
     
  19. kennedy1948

    kennedy1948 Registered User

    Oct 7, 2013
    58
    Huntingdon
    Sometimes I just have to laugh

    My husband Tony is having "good day" so came outside to help me this morning. I took some paving slabs round to my neighbours, unloaded them and went inside to have a cuppa with her. When I looked out of the window Tony had put the slabs back in the wheelbarrow and took them back to our garden .....:)
     
  20. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Grey Lad, I don't even have to send emails if anything isn't up to scratch. The home page asks "everything OK with your last order?", and if it isn't, you click on "no", and your shopping list appears, and you tick the box(es) next to anything that wasn't suitable.

    The money is refunded immediately. Their name begins and ends with "O" ;)
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.