1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    103
    Yorkshire
    I'd love to hear from anyone if they have really down days after visiting their relatives in care home. Everytime I go I seem so depressed not straight away the day after. I've suffered with depression in the past and to be honest it makes me feel so sad visiting. Dont get me wrong I try to remain up beat when I visit, maybe that's the problem.

    It didn't help yesterday another resident who has had a go at my Mam about Mam wandering around 'her home she owns with her sister' had a go at me for moving a chair near Mam as Mam was sat with her legs up due to them being swelled and couldn't move to another chair. The lady without me knowing moved my chair and had I not checked where it was could of really fallen trying to sit down which then the lady decided to spit over and over at me, who knows why. I just wanted to burst in tears it was too much.

    So now when I visit tomorrow I dread going and will have to keep out the living room where the woman is.

    I've chatted with the social worker about how I feel who did understand. I do worry about Mam though as she wouldn't hurt a fly.

    There are some lovely people in Mams home especially one lady I always chat to I think this one woman just hates me chatting to them or just me being there,


    Sorry, just needed a moan.
     
  2. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    500
    Scotland
    Dear Sianey - I look after OH at home but I have visited relatives in NH in the past. I think so much effort on our part goes into trying to make it a good visit that it is not surprising that the after effect hits us later, even after the best possible visit. No-one wants to see loved ones in CH but life decrees otherwise unfortunately.

    However what happened when you visited your mum cannot be allowed to continue. Did any of the staff see what happened - surely not, as they would have intervened? I would suggest phoning the CH to make sure they know about it - maybe something like this has happened to someone else before and certainly could happen again. They need to reassure you that mum is safe and well looked after - hopefully place mum beside the nice lady you have been chatting to.

    Nursing Home visits can be very stressful for most of us without anything "extra" to contend with so I hope this gets sorted out right away. xx
     
  3. Isabella41

    Isabella41 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2012
    901
    Northern Ireland
    #3 Isabella41, Jun 8, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2015
    Hi Sianey. You're not alone. I can drive to mum's care home singing merrily in the car and want to bawl my eyes out on the home leg of the journey. There is one woman in mum's home who sprews the most hateful words at me on a regular basis. She calls me by the same name over and over so I guess I must remind her of someone in her past that she particulary disliked. She gets so vocal on occasion that staff have to step in and take her away. This really upsets my mother and indeed other residents. Mum starts shouting at this woman to leave me alone. Apart from this I often sit and look around me and think how I dread if this too will be my lot one day.
    I've now made a deliberate choice that I put happy music on in the car on the drive home to try to lift my mood again. Would it be possible for you to take your mum out or to her room when you visit as this way you stand less chance of coming in contact with this other woman. Obviously she doesn't know what she's doing but as its upsetting you (as it would anyone) its best to avoid her as much as possible.
     
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,841
    Suffolk
    In these cases I feel the staff should be more aware and take steps to see that they don't happen. So first, tell the staff and make sure they understand the problems. Use another room if possible, go outside this weather for instance, get the staff to interact with person causing trouble. There must be something they can do!
     
  5. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    1,071
    Moved to Leicester
    there should be quiet rooms where your mum and you can move to if things get noisy. I've often tried to get mum to go to the conservatory so we can have a nice visit but she's so afraid she'll miss something interesting happening she won't go!
     
  6. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    103
    Yorkshire
    Feeling down

    Lilac Blossom, thank you, no no staff saw what happened, other residents and my husband did, the two other ladies nearby stepped in telling her to stop and asked me to use her walking stick to wack her with:( forgot to say she wouldn't stop punching my arm.

    I think like you say it is a stressful place to be. mam has had a massive bruise on her arm from someone grabbing her I don't know who did that though. She can't stick up for herself Mam just had quiet shock on her face.

    The social worker did say to me and I do think she is right that just because some people have dementia they could of been nasty people younger whose means of getting what they want was by being aggressive. I just don't know how you stop it happening though.
     
  7. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    103
    Yorkshire
    Isabella41, thank you, yeah I go to Mams room with her even just to check where her things are as she has a tendency to take things out of her room. We got out sometimes to the local shops for her treats but Mam is so incontinent it puts her off going out.
     
  8. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Sianey, I just wanted to thank you for your thread about feeling down a day after visiting. I was just feeling down myself about this and so you had great timing. I definitely get the delayed reaction you mention, usually the next day, and sometimes two days later. This also happens with cleaning my mother's place (she moved to a care home in February, her previous home is an hour and a half from where I live, so my husband and I go there usually one day a weekend to work on it--we are ALMOST finished sorting through the mess). If we go to clean on a Saturday I almost always feel icky (emotionally) on the Sunday and sometimes also on the Monday after.

    Frankly I thought this was just me being odd so I appreciate knowing other people experience this as well. So thanks for speaking up.

    I'm sorry your visits to your mum are so very challenging. I agree with the suggestion to speak to the staff at the care home about the behaviour of the "difficult" resident. While I'm sure they are aware (but what if they aren't?), it's good to speak to them about specific interactions and problems so they know what needs to be addressed. And do try to keep in mind that you're not responsible for this other lady. Best wishes to you and everyone here.
     
  9. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    103
    Yorkshire
    Amy in the US, Aww, you're doing the job I haven't got to doing yet, it must take it out of you doing that then visiting as well. It must be upsetting sorting through it all.

    I don't really tell anyone how I feel apart from me doing it on here, who would understand anyway and I thought maybe it was me being emotional as always but maybe it's to do with what we are going through then if others feel the same.

    I suppose I made allowances for the lady and didn't want to tittle tattle to the staff or draw attention to myself I think my self esteem has gone down as well and I did think well I must of done something to deserve it as you do when you feel low.

    My daughter made some earrings for her Grannie which the lady delighted in saying were awful, Mams the only one in there with dangly earrings:) now.

    Maybe we feel down delayed as we are looking forward to seeing them at the home it's very hard to reason why. Before going I know I didn't feel down though.

    If it happens again I'll take the advice given and will say something next time.
     
  10. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    My own mam isn't in a care home but still lives at home with my dad. I can really identify with the low feelings after seeing her.

    It puts me in an awful position; I have had depression myself, and it's better for my own mental health not to see my mam too much as it just drags me down. But on the other hand, she's my mam :), I love her, hate what's happening to her, and want to support dad as much as I can because I know he goes through some dreadful times.

    So being pulled one way then the other is very hard to deal with. Throw guilt into the mix, and hey presto, a horrible situation to be in. Guilt that I can't save her, guilt that I can't do what dad does, and guilt for wanting a life of my own.

    Thank you for starting this thread, because although I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it does help to know that it's not just me.

    With big hugs for you xx
     
  11. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    103
    Yorkshire
    College girl, I arent a 'huggy person' but same to you
     

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