Feeling down

[rosiek]

Mum has been in the CH for 4 months now and although confused most of the time, (she keeps asking if her Mum and Dad are OK, but is aware that my Dad is dead) is really looking very well, is enjoying her meals, the activities and has taken to the carers. She still asks to go home, but I tell her that the carers really love her and want her to stay with them so they can help me look after her. All of her friends and the family thinks she is doing great, but.... why do I feel so lost and to be honest depressed. The OH and I have been away for two breaks, which I enjoyed, but did not fully relax and now I feel that I need a week off work to sleep. The last 9 months have been really difficult with decisions on Mum's care and wellbeing having to be made ( I am an only child) and trying to hold down a stressful full time job have taken its toll. I wonder if feeling like this is a normal reaction, I really do not want to go to the doctor to get tablets to feel normal again. Has anyone else felt the same.

Sorry for the ramble, but had to get this off my chest.

Rosie

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Rosie

I had a wobble a while after my husband went into the home.

At first I enjoyed my freedom. It was so good to have some time to myself. But once the novelty wore off I knew I wasn`t living the life I`d have chosen so had to adjust all over again.

Now I accept there is no way I can change our situation so I`m afraid I try not to think about it too much.

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Rosie,

Yes, I guess this must be normal. Certainly your post has struck a chord with me.

My Mum has been in her care home for about 10 weeks now and although she seems reasonably settled I still feel guilty, worried and a little lost.

I know she's safe, though and she wasn't at home.

And for that I'm really grateful. Also, there's someone there to reassure her when she wakes up frightened. That's something else I couldn't bear, the fact that I just couldn't be there 24/7 to reassure her.

You've done your very best for your Mum, Rosie. Please try to be easy on yourself. You really do need to relax and try to enjoy your visits now. If you can get some joy out of your own life now you'll have something to share with your Mum when you see her.

I'm sure there will be someone else along soon who can give you some encouragement, too.

Big hugs,

Maggie

 

[Bumble B]

I think there's a clue in " I'm an only child " ( me too ).

No matter how much support you have,ultimately the responsibility for Mum is yours.There's also the realisation that her life may be drawing to a close,and with Dad gone already,with us only children,there will be nobody to share memories of childhood.

I've been chasing around after both my parents for eighteen months,and I find the mental burden a lot harder to bear than the physical one.The fact that it's me,and nobody else,who has to deal with practicalities and try to make the right decisions,can lie very heavily.

I'm luckier than you in that I don't work,but you're also dealing with work responsibilities,so you've had a lot on your shoulders.
Even though Mum is happy and settled in the home,this is an enormous change,and you're bound to still feel concerned.

I'd say that you'll feel better in time,but don't dismiss the idea of anti-depressants completely. I've taken them for short periods,and whilst they didn't turn me into the life and soul of the party,they certainly made me feel more positive and able to cope.

Best wishes to you and Mum.

 

[TinaT]

It has taken a long time for me to accept that my husband is in the best place for the care he needs. I've fretted the last few years away blaming myself for the fact that he couldn't be cared for properly at home and have taken him out for visits to the shops and even brough him home for visits. These visits could only last a very short time because he has become severely agitated and wanted to go back. I've had to accept that no matter where he is, it is not the place his mind is seeking to be.

Having someone in residential care is like moving your worries from a rock to a hard place and swapping one set of worries for another set.

xxTinaT

 

[PatH]

I think it's natural that you're 'feeling down' ,after all life has changed and taken a different route,but once you come to understand (as Tina has said) your mum is getting the best care for her needs you will start to come to terms with the situation. It's not easy by any means ,even after the years my husband has been in a CH the demon guilt raises it's head on a regular basis. Always remember you havent abandoned your mum you have sought the best care for her and will be there to love and support her.Take care Patx

 

[sistermillicent]

Sympathies, Rosie, I think this is absolutely normal, tablets may help you through it should you feel you want that sort of help and there is no shame in taking them, but equally you are entitled to work your own way through it in your own time.
Pippa xx

 

[CathT]

Ditto!

I feel exactly the same. My mum has been in a care home for 4 weeks now following a 5 month stay in an assessment unit. I too am an only child working full time with a family of my own. I also have to look out for my 82 year old father who fortunately is in good health but struggles with understanding my mums condition and the financial aspects. The last 18 months have been awful and I am totally worn out and extremely heavy hearted. The feeling of responsibility is immense and I torture myself thinking about my poor mum all alone in the care home which I feel isn't the best environment for her.

I guess we are overwhelmed and suffering from stress and depression. I keep telling myself that this is a phase which will end but at the moment there is no end in sight.

Like you I feel as though I could sleep for a week but sleep doesn't come easy these days.

I apologise for rambling too but maybe we can get some comfort from knowing that others are feeling exactly the same.

With best wishes and sending you strength to face the days and challenges ahead.

 

[sanford99]

Mum has been in the CH for 4 months now and although confused most of the time, (she keeps asking if her Mum and Dad are OK, but is aware that my Dad is dead) is really looking very well, is enjoying her meals, the activities and has taken to the carers. She still asks to go home, but I tell her that the carers really love her and want her to stay with them so they can help me look after her. All of her friends and the family thinks she is doing great, but.... why do I feel so lost and to be honest depressed. The OH and I have been away for two breaks, which I enjoyed, but did not fully relax and now I feel that I need a week off work to sleep. The last 9 months have been really difficult with decisions on Mum's care and wellbeing having to be made ( I am an only child) and trying to hold down a stressful full time job have taken its toll. I wonder if feeling like this is a normal reaction, I really do not want to go to the doctor to get tablets to feel normal again. Has anyone else felt the same.

Sorry for the ramble, but had to get this off my chest.

Rosie

Well, the short reply is - it is completely normal. Err.... do you want the longer one???? You will find most of the answers in the previous posts, but I guess I could add my twopennyworth into the mix....but I figure why bother?? You completely normal, your reactions are completely normal and are to be expected and if you could sleep for at least a week I really would........


But honestly, if you want fuller reply as to how I know this, feel free to ask.......:

And oh yes, whilst I am one of 5, I really am one of one when it comes to mum......